Ridiculous Search Terms and Show Tonight!

September 3, 2010

In case I haven’t reminded you enough, The Mystery Hour is tonight! Get ready for a lineup of guests worthy of a real late night talk shows. Speaking of real late night talk shows, what is the difference between a real late night talk show and The Mystery Hour? Nothing, we have microphones now! You may point out that real late night talk shows are on actual television, but I disagree.

Plus, I just saw the new intro video, it’s really really cool.

10:15! Tonight!

It is the day of The Mystery Hour, so you know what that means, it’s time for Ridiculous Search Terms! These are actual search terms that brought people to this website. Included in each entry is a unique disappointment level the searcher must have felt upon arrival at this crappy website.

tv show Who looks up “tv show?” Are they wondering what a tv show is? Plus, we are as much a tv show as a low sodium Wheat Thin, in that we’re not on TV. Disappointment level: The internet.

do it baby, oh do the humpty dump Only if you ask nicely. Disappointment level: Using a word that don’t mean nothing, like looptid.

can you make an ice by poring cool aid? No, that’s how you make a popsicle. Disappointment level: Spell checking what you just wrote.

say happy birthday ex boyfriend Happy Birthday. Hello, Denise. Disappointment level: Your ex girlfriend, Denise, finding your website.

90 pop Take one down, pass it around, 89 pop on wall. Disappointment level: Having a pop/soda discussion with someone from a different region of the US

“rubbing his butt on” face This search must have been related to my blog on spending the summer at camp. Is this about someone rubbing their butt on someone else’s face, or is it about someone who has a facial expression that just screams  “rubbing his butt on?” Disappointment level: Your face being associated whatsoever with the idea of a rubbing butt.

goodguyopen.com  This is a really cool website where people request good guys open things for their pleasure. “Good guy, open this jar of Miracle Whip. Do it faster, don’t get angry, you’re a good guy.” Disappointment level: Good guys opening up emotionally.

Of Baseball Cards and Deadbeat Dads

September 3, 2010

I have been busy. Yuck. But, here I am. Did you hear that the Mystery Hour is tomorrow night? It is indeed. Not only that, it is the Season 5 premiere, which means only one thing…a new intro video! We just filmed it last weekend and I’ve got to say I think it will be awesome.

Here are some pictures from it:

 

For the last prompt I asked, “What are you doing tonight?”

I will use Derek’s answer:

“In Mt. Vernon selling my baseball card collection to a guy who is trying to make up for his stepson’s deadbeat dad who sold his the kid’s collection. Craigslist saves the day!”

Oh, baseball cards, most guys’ introduction to capitalism. If you are a woman and you ever want to settle your man down because he’s angry, or worked up, or out of control for some reason just ask him to remember his baseball card collection. He will turn to jelly immediately. He will immediately tell you a story about getting his cards as kids. I remember riding bikes to Kwik Shop to get cards. We would always get Topps when we started out because those packs had a piece of gum inside that was a cross between gum and jawbreaker. There was such an element of surprise when you opened a pack, not knowing what cards would be inside. I suppose there isn’t any equivalent to that when you are an adult. Except for, I suppose, not knowing the sexof your baby before it’s born. But, even then, it doesn’t come out with a piece of gum.

Then, you would assemble your best cards and invite your friends over to trade cards. You would have to use Beckett Monthly to make sure that you weren’t getting ripped off. I had a neighbor up the street that knew my brothers and I were suckers and he would invite his friends over to come down to our house to fleece us. “I’ll trade you 16 cards for just one of your Barry Bonds rookie cards.” I would say, “Okay.” It turns out that was a precursor to my adult life in terms of wise investments. Two current thoughts: Trading baseball cards was exactly the same as trading Fantasy players. Two, all of my old worthwhile baseball cards growing up have turned out to be steroid users. Thanks a lot guys.

Every kid collecting baseball cards was sure that he/she was going to get rick off them someday, then one of two things happened. One, their mom through out their cards. Two, the only way to make money off of cards now is to be an adult who collects them at the expense of healthy social lives.

Things you would hear kids say about baseball cards:

-Yeah! I got a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card!

-I’ll trade you a 1987 Roger Clemens for a 1988 Jose Canseco straight up

-Someday these cards will be worth millions of dollars!

Things you would hear adults say about baseball cards:

-I remember when I had baseball cards, but I guess kids and family and growing up got in the way.

-I still have baseball cards. Shut up Mom! I’m trying to have a conversation down here! You said the basement was my space, now leave me alone! Oh, and make me some Rice Krispie treats! With the chocolate on top! Mom! With the chocolate on top!

-I’ll trade you a Roger Clemens vial for a Jose Canseco needle

Next prompt: What is your least embarrassing moment?

Next Show Info! It Gonna Be a Good One! With Mics! Season 5 Premiere!

August 28, 2010

It’s time for the SEASON FIVE PREMIERE!

-They’re talking about it coast to coast (both sides of Springfield Lake).

-Countless people are gathering in huge groups (a man remembered and told his wife).

-People are writing songs, bands are marching, the world is celebrating (Jeff bought a world music CD)

Here is the actually big news. We have mics arrriving on Monday. We’ve got two wireless lavalier mics, and a real desk mic. You hear that? A real desk mic! You’ve got to come see and hear them in action for the first time.

Plus, we have a guest list worthy of a real talk show.

 

 

Friday, September 3rd

 

10:15 pm

 

Skinny Improv Comedy Theatre

 

 

GUESTS:
-KELLY KNAUER Writer/Editor for all of TIME (Magazine) Books. Plus, he happens to be hilarious.

-PAM PRICE and ANIMALS FROM THE ZOO, they’re back to thrill and defecate.

-BERCH, awesome musical guest, we’re lucky to get them.

Plus, appearances by your favorite Skinny Improv performers

$5.00

More info at www.themysteryhour.com

Tickets at www.theskinnyimprov.com

Video: Interview Highlights!

August 25, 2010

Hey! Have you missed some of the interviews over the years? Fret not, here are highlights from interviews over the years! They have varying audio quality, so turn your volume up.

and

“Thanks A Lot Czar Obama!” The Messed Up World of Online Commenters.

August 23, 2010

Check out the guests for our next show! It will be a good one. Be honest, did you know that the writr/editor for all of TIME Magazine Books lives in Springfield? No? It’s true, he doesn’t like giving interviews, but he’s going to at The Mystery Hour just for you (and I blackmailed him). Plus, we’ll have animals from the zoo on again. It was a big hit once before.

I got a comment from my last post, but I got it late and I had already started on a post. Sorry Allan. You deserve to be treated better. Here, this link is just for you.

Since I did not get a comment before I started writing, I decided to do what I want. I read a lot of articles online, and nearly everytime I do so I read the comments under the article, so that I can be reminded that I have entirely too much faith in humanity. I’ve become a bit of a connoisseur of comments. People who comment on news articles generally are people who are just jerks, or people that are acting out of the worst of themselves, or are just plain crazy. This analysis excludes my beloved commenters, fyi.

The comments are often times reduced to a few categories:

-Hates the world guy. No matter what is written, he hates it. 54% of commenters

-Hates hates the world guy. No matter what someone else writes, he will respond with the same vitriole toward their comment. 20%.

-Pick a fight guy. He doesn’t feel too good about his slow internet connection in his mother’s basement, so he’s just looking for a fight with anyone. 11%

-Everything is politics guy. That’s what he does. 5%

-The wannabe editor. He is just looking to mock others for their typos/grammar. 6%

-Personal anecdote guy. He thinks that he has insight on every story because he has a cousin who has been through everything. 2.4%

-Reasonable man. Seeing a comment from reasonable man is like randomly getting a raisin in your Wheaties, it looks like it should belong, but it doesn’t. .6%

Hear is a great example. Here is an innocent article I just wrote, with a typical comment section underneath:

SPRINGFIELD, MO Penelope Henderson is a six year old whose day got a little bit brighter today. Penelope suffers from asthma and can’t get out of the house much these days. Instead, her parents brought the fun inside in the form of a puppy. Chuckles, the poodle was doing all the running while Penelope giggled with excitement. The Hendersons have an acreage just outside of town so the new puppy will have plenty of yard to run around in. As for Penelope, her asthma is doing better. Bill Henderson, her father says, “Things are looking up for us, this can only be seen as great news.”

Comments <Oldest to Newest>

omnipotence1: Looks like we have another American who will forever be reliant on handouts from others. Thanks a lot Czar Obama!

freeman86: 20 bucks that puppy came from a puppy mill. Get your act toogether Hendersons.

gagalover: I have a no-good brother who has asthma. Asthma is 90% mental. Get off the couch you waste of space.

redskins4ever: Hey, Freeman! Maybe they won’t get their act toogether because there’s no such thing. Its together. Learn to spell before you comment.

peopleloveme: Who names their kid Penelope? We wouldn’t have this problem if we had a Fair Tax…

freeman86: Redskins. I’ll fix mine when you fix yours. “Its” doesn’t make sense, there needs to be an apostrophe between the t and the s, unless of course, together is possessive, which it can’t be. I will come to your house and figt you with a tire iron and chains.

oppositeofloser: “An acreage outside of town?” Must be rich people. Meanwhile, there are circus workers looking for jobs. No one ever writes about the circus people not having jobs. First thing people cut out of their lives when the economy goes bad? Circuses. Why don’t you try covering some important news, Newspaper?

reasonable1: Wow, great story. I’m nothing but happy for that little girl. Oppositeofloser, there are different sections to the newspaper, this section doesn’t cover things like that.

weaselstheman: Who would read this article, let alone comment on it? You all are losers.

redskins4ever: You’re going to “figt” me freeman? How ’bout you Figt Newton me? Is that like fighting with a fig leaf? Your parent’s dropped you when you were a kid.

undertheradar: A six year old with a puppy? This world is going to hell in a handbasket. When I was six, I had a junebug as a pet. Now, these kids get whatever they want.

freeman86: redskins, you have no idea how apostrophes work, do you? When you put an s on a word, it doesn’t mean you have to put in an apostrophe. It’s ‘my parents dropped me as a kid.’ No apostrophe. I will fight you with only a blender and a keychain, you foul piece of crap.

reasonable1: I’m going to get off the internet and head to work.

freeman86,undertheradar,weaselstheman,omnipotence1, oppositeofloser, gagalover: Reasonable1, you are a tool in this world we created.

I like my commenters better.

Next prompt: Where will you be tonight?

The Scholastic Book Fair, How Did That Work So Well?

August 18, 2010

It is Thursday and I am wearing a tie. I don’t have to wear a tie, but sometimes a guy just wants to feel pretty. I feel like I look like an old timey banker.

Do you love Grandma Norma, aka G. Norm? Yeah, me too. Here is the very best of What is G. Norm Saying?!

For the last prompt I asked, “What do you remember about your first day of school?”

I will use Katie’s answer:

“Jeff, I love the historical news feeds. Hilarious!

I wore Catholic school uniforms for 13 years, so I definitely don’t remember “back-to-school clothes.” I just had the plaid skirt, the polo shirt. What I remember are fresh, new pencils and markers, smooth and unscuffed protractors, snazzy Trapper Keepers and (my favorite) the smell of ink on paper in new books. I still love that smell. I was a big Scholastic Book Club dork.”

Let’s break down the elements of your answer in no particular order.

Oh man, Scholastic Book Club. There is nothing in the adult life that compares to Scholastic Book Club. How do they generate so much excitement for books? Maybe that smell of ink on paper is actually crack and everytime you sniff it you get a high and associate it with Scholastic Books.

Here are the types of books I would always get from the Scholastic Book Fair:

–Joke books. I even got one that was about having good comebacks. Stuff like, Person: “Can you tell me what time it is?” Hilarious comeback: “Time for you to get a watch!” Person: “A penny for your thoughts?” Hilarious comeback: “Make it a dime and tell you!” Person: “Can you tell me where the restroom is?” Hilarious comeback: “I am going to stab you.”

–Drawing books. I loved to draw as a kid, and I loved to learn how to draw better. Interestingly, as a kid, I thought tracing to be as high of an art form as original art. I had no problem passing off a tracing work of art as my own. Mom: “Wow, Jeff, this is an astonishingly good kangaroo. It is accurate and vivid.” Me: “Thanks, I know.”

–World’s Dumbest Criminals. This is an actual book title, and actually it was my brother who got the book. But, he loved it so much, it had to be good. He would read it before he went to bed for months.

They say you use math throughout your life and I don’t disagree at all, however I can honestly say that I’ve never used a protractor since I hung up my math cleats. Same goes for protractor’s ambiguous partner, the compass. They had to be dating, right? I swear, they were always together. Why didn’t they just kiss and get it over with? 

My pencils were always wore down to nubs by October due to constant sharpening and overuse of my eraser. I would always erase stuff and then blow the eraser residue on the carpet. Multiply that by 20 kids and the janitor had to have great disdain for erasers.

Trapper Keepers. In my school you had to have one of those. It could have a pony on the front, or a rocket ship, or Kirk Cameron, but there had to be something on the front. Parents would say stuff like, “Why can’t you just use a three ring binder? I have one from my work conference last week, it’s perfectly good.” Like the Fresh Prince said, “No need to argue, parents just don’t understand.” 

School girl outfit. My only experience with those is the “slutty” versions on Halloween. No one has ever made a slutty version of my school outfit. It would be umbro shorts, a Michael Jordan shirt, tube socks, and velcro shoes. You couldn’t make that slutty if you tried, just like you shouldn’t with school girl outfits. Just stop it.

Next prompt: What will be something new that is discovered soon?

Facebook News Feed From Throughout History Volume II

August 17, 2010

Good afternoon party people. I write to you in a lavender shirt. I’m okay with it so you should be too. If you wanted to see some video from the famous proposal at the end of the show, here it is. This is Jeremy Larson proposing to Elsie Flannigan:

For the last prompt I asked, “How did you meet your significant other?

I will use Erik’s response:

“I met her through a mutual friend while we were both at church. We were both in the greenroom backstage and she and our mutual friend were “choreographing” ridiculous dances to the music coming from the stage. 2.5 years later we were both on staff together at the same church and we started dating in September of 2009.”

First. Al, I had the exact thought about the last post, and it just may well happen. Second, aawww, cute Erik. Thank you for indicating how long you have been together with a decimal. “What a cute little baby, how old is she? “She’s .8333333 years old and she’s already walking.” I can see a good relationship starting with dance moves, but choreographed moves takes it to another level, you must have a really good relationship. Somehow, this has inspired me to make another Facebook news feed from throughout history.

Facebook News Feed From Throughout History

 Abraham Lincoln is attending Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theatre

      John Wilkes Booth likes this

 Ronald Regan>Mikhail Gorbachev: Tear down this wall

 The 1980′s likes Cocaine

 Emporer Trajan Hey guys, just wanted to let you know that we’ve moved. Here’s our new address: Everywhere.

 Betsey Ross Oh great, now I have carpal tunnel

Harriet Tubman was tagged in an album

       

 Harriet Tubman Whoever tagged me in pictures, untag me! We’re supposed to be underground. Seriously!

 Abraham>Isaac Thinking about going into the wilderness this weekend, you in?

 Martin Luther tagged The Holy Catholic Church in his note: 95 Theses

George Washington Carver likes Peanut Butter

       Reginald Worthington What’s that?

       George Washington Carver You’ll see

Sigmund Freud Going to see my mother this weekend

       Id  Go for it

       Ego  Think about it

       Super Ego That sounds like a bad idea

 Isaac>Abraham Sounds like fun, what’s the occasion?

President Howard Taft Anyone have some WD-40, or butter, or something like that?

 Joseph Smith Lately, I feel like I’m seeing things.

 Lenni Lenape Anyone know if $24 is a good price for an island?

 Paul Revere Remember, it’s one like if by land, two likes if by sea.

       2 people like this

 Abraham>Isaac No reason, just a father/son bonding trip

Next prompt: What do you remember about the first day of school?

Scene: A Saga of the Office Equipment

August 10, 2010

Saturday night was an awesome show. The bands were so good, and the Gillioz was as beautiful as ever, and best of all there was a proposal from the stage. That’s right, musician extraordinaire, Jeremy Larson, proposed to his girlfriend, Elsie. She wrote about it on her uber popular blog. You can read it here. We’ll have some cool videos up soon from the show. It was a thrill to do the show in such a cool place. I felt more important than reality would suggest.

For the last prompt I asked, “What is the last thing you used a stapler for?

I will use Heather’s answer:

“Is this a trick question? Does anyone (besides ninjas) use a stapler for anything but stapling stuff? That’s what I used a stapler for last. Although if you have some good suggestions for alternative uses for staplers, I’m all ears.”

Heather, you should know by now that I’m not smart enough for trick questions. I first read your comment as a ninja stapler, which I kind of like the idea of. How about I do this? I would like to envision all of my cubicle objects personified, living together on my desk. Let’s see what happens. For the sake of this reality, the objects communicate by telepathy, so I never hear them. If you want to see them in your mind as moving their ‘lips,’ I won’t begrudge you. the objects are hanging out on my desk after a day’s work.

Phone: Whew! Another tough day. I didn’t know if I could handle a single other call. Jeff’s oily fingers and hot breath in my receiver are a nightmare.

Calculator: Whatever man. Just be happy you get noticed. I haven’t been used for like a year. I just want to be wanted.

Laptop: Maybe you put all your eggs in one basket. He prefers to use me. He’s already using me for other reasons, he might as well use my calculator.

Calculator: I can’t help it, I was born this way.

Laptop: It’s not about how you were born, it’s about pulling yourselves up by your own bootstraps and making something of your life. Don’t blame your circumstances.

Calculator. Shut up man. You don’t know what it’s like. You were given everything. You have an Intel processor. I have a sticker that says, “State Farm Insurance.”

Stapler: Hooey! Here I am

Phone: Whoa man, you just came out of nowhere.

Calculator: That’s because he’s a ninja.

Stapler: That’s right. Ninja. I’m off!

Phone: He’s off to hunt for the staple remover so they can battle. He’s too macho.

Highlighter walks in.

Laptop: Whoa…hello my lady. You are looking fine tonight.

Manila folder: You got no shot at her man.

Laptop: Why’s that? You want a piece of her?

Manila folder: No, you know she’s still dating Post It Notes

Laptop: So

Manila folder: She can’t work with you. What is she going to highlight? Nothing. She needs paper.

Calculator: Why you gotta be such a tool, laptop? You’re not better than anyone else, just different.

Laptop: Oh yeah? I got all y’all inside of me. Manila folder? Check. Calculator? Check. Stapler? No, but I’m workin…

Stapler: Hooey! Did I scare you guys? I’m back! And now I’m gone!

Empty coffee cup from last week: Hey guys, can I hang out?

All: No!

Recycled paper in the recycling bin: How about me?

All: No!

Recycled paper in the recycling bin: Oh yeah? I’ll be back! I guarantee it! Just you wait.

Highlighter: What are we talking about boys?

Manila Folder: Nothing…we’re just…I mean…your cap is looking nice

Highlighter: Thanks Manila

Laptop: Don’t talk to him. He’s worthless!

Motivational Poster: Don’t listen to him Manila. Remember, you can only soar with the eagles if you’re willing to jump.

Manila Folder: Thanks Moti.

Calculator: What do you guys think about unplugging Laptop?

Laptop: You wouldn’t. You ain’t got the computing power, and by computing power I mean cajones.

Manila: I think that’s a great idea.

They band together to yank the cord out of the back of Laptop

Laptop: Noooo! I’m nothing without my power. I’m not being properly shut down, items that were not saved will not be saved! Always save your work……

A great cheer goes out amongst the items.

Calculator: Yea! I can’t wait to see Jeff tomorrow!

Chair: I can.

Next prompt: How did you meet your significant other? If single, how did you meet your own heart?

Tonight’s Show Info!

August 7, 2010

Tonight is the night you’ve been waiting for all your life…all your months…all your weeks…you just heard about it today.

This may be the most important Mystery Hour of our generation. We’re doing it up big this time. We’re moving to prime time, and we’re going to the historic Gillioz. Some people’s favorite part of The Mystery Hour are the interviews, for some it’s the videos, for others it is the fact that it’s only once a month, but everyone loves the music.

That’s why we’re proud to announce the Mystery Hour Presents: The Best Concert Ever in Springfield* and Highlight Show!

Saturday, August 7th

7:30

Gillioz Theatre

The Mystery Hour has recently finished it’s 4th season, and in that time, we’ve had awesome musical guests, so we decided to assemble them all together for one HUGE concert.

But wait, it’s not just a concert, it’s also a clip show featuring your favorite highlights since Season One.
Check out these bands:

-Jeremy Larson
-Survival Car (featuring members of Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, The First Teenager Ever, New Monsters Collective)
-The Preservation Society
-Chatham and Grant
-Focus! Focus!

$8.00

A Scene from the Kool Aid Man Cult

Thursday, August 5, 2o1o

There is no Mystery Hour tomorrow night, remember it is on Saturday night. Remember that it is at 7:30, not 10. You should also remember that it is at the Gillioz. Remember how big the Gillioz is? So, you should bring lots of extra people with you.

Seriously, you won’t find a better concert lineup in Springfield in a better venue. If you don’t like music, keep in mind that half of the show will be clips from past Mystery Hour shows. Here’s the info—–>>>>>>

Here is a band that played on the show awhile ago called Pretty/Ugly. I just found this:

For the last prompt I asked something and didn’t get a response, so I get to be inspired from within my own brain. However, I want to sidetrack off of what I wrote last time.

I wrote about how there is the expression, “drink the Kool Aid” basically meaning to blindly follow a leader or an idea. The phrase comes from the Jonestown Massacre where a cult leader convinced his followers to drink Kool Aid with poison in it and they almost all died. So, I hypothesized, what would it be like if the Kool Aid Man himself was the leader of a cult. Let’s hypothesize some more.

Kool Aid Man Cult

People are gathered in the largest building on the sprawling compound. They sit in rapt attention waiting to hear their beloved, charismatic leader speak.

1st Speaker: We are gathered here to learn of the ways of our great and mighty leader. As you know, we never quite know when he will arrive, but he gets angry if you leave, so sit in quiet meditation while we wait.

1st Speaker: Hey Kool Aid Man!

A minute later, the Kool Aid Man crashes through the wall of the building.

Kool Aid Man: Oh yeah!

Similar sized holes line the wall of the building.

People: Oh, he is here, my soul feels quenched already.

Kool Aid Man makes his way to the microphone.

Kool Aid Man: You have seen my power and you know my strength. I have nourishing liquid inside me to offer to all, yet ‘they’ say it isn’t true. ‘They’ say it can’t be done. They would have you believe that a man made out of Kool Aid with the exoskeleton of a glass pitcher is not a man worth following. ‘They’ will tell you with their lies that science does not allow a man to be made of sugar and water with no lungs or heart. Yet, I tell you, use your own eyes, decide for yourself! Am I not here in front of you now? Oh yeah!

Do not be hoodwinked by society. That is why we are here now, separate from the heathens and their vile ways, like Five Alive and Tang. Oh yeah! We have work to be done today my little Dixie Cups! They want in, but we will not let them. We can only do it with the help of each other. Look to the person to your right and to your left. Ask them if they are willing to protect the Kool Aid Way.

Crowd: Are you willing to protect the Kool Aid Way?

Crowd: We will be Kool!

Crowd: We will Aid!  The one and only Kool Aid Man, bringer of deliciousness, bringer of all things good, unsafe for diabetics.

Crowd: Kooooollll!!

Crowd: Aaaaiiiiiiiddd!!!

Kool Aid: Yes, myDixie Cups be excited. Indeed my Dixie Cups, the diabetics are coming for us. They want me to die! Will you let them? You have a yearning to be part of something bigger, well that something is me. Remember you can tell if a person is one of us or is a diabetic by the existence of a brightly colored juice mustache. If you see someone without one, grab your insulin dart and shoot them. Don’t ask questions. The diabetics are evil and want nothing more than our destruction. Will you let them? Oh yeah! I mean no!

Remember the three things we live by.

One, Walls are not meant to confine us! They are meant to be destroyed with a body shaped hole.

Two, Together we are unified, apart we are not! It’s just a true statement that doesn’t really mean anything!

Three, Be Kool!

Now, drink from my empowering liquid. This is my Kool Aid poured out for you…

One Man: Isn’t that sacreligious? It’s awfully close to communion.

Another Man: Drown him!

Crowd: Yeah, drown him!

Kool Aid Man: Oh yeah! Grab him, put him in my pitcher body!

The man is grabbed and put in Kool Aid man’s liquid body as the crowd cheers.

Just then armed men crash through the walls led by Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Little Caesar, Trix Rabbit, Cap’n Crunch, and Janet Reno. They sequester all the innocent crowd and corner the Kool Aid Man.

Kool Aid Man: Go ahead, shoot me! I’ll just be a martyr.

Tony the Tiger pulls the trigger on his pistol, firing one shot into the Kool Aid Man’s body as a single hole pours Kool Aid out onto the floor.

Kool Aid Man: Nooo, at least tell me you’re not…you’re not…not…diabetics.

Tony the Tiger: Of course we are. Do you know how much sugar is in Frosted Flakes? You’ve just been ended by a diabetic. Take that with you to hell Kool Aid Man.

Next prompt: What did you last use a stapler for?