I Eat Yogurt as if Yoplait Was Going out of Business

December 17, 2009

If you missed the last Mystery Hour, then you really missed out. Here is a clip from the show. The fight escalated really quickly, but in the end it was Christmas that won.

For the last prompt I asked: What is something that you often have to do but you aren’t very good at?

I will use Allan’s answer:

“grocery shop. i have trouble planning ahead and i don’t write out lists, so i forget to buy important items while impulsively buying food items i don’t need.”

Grocery shopping is the worst, especially when you are married. I don’t do much cooking. My idea of cooking is combining things together that don’t belong. I like to add pineapple to macaroni and cheese. I like to sprinkle cheese on things that didn’t have it before.  I’m the strip mall of cooking. I create meals that are made up of things that don’t belong together and weren’t all that good start with. Maybe I’m the equivalent of those fast food places that combine aLong John Silver’s with a KFC hoping that people will forget that it’s still just a Long John’s Silver and a KFC. Wait a minute, isn’t Long John Silver’s just the maritime equivalient of KFC? Think about it.

I am by no means a sexist, it just so happens that my wife likes to cook and I don’t. I don’t think that this is how it is supposed to be, but it has worked out that way. We’re an accidental stereotype. I would be very happy just eating a paper with oregano and cheese.

The worst then, is grocery shopping for both of us by myself. I don’t really know what she gets. I think she gets things like ingredients to make meals. I get ingredients already made into meals by what I can only assume are robots.

Here’s what I get at the store:

Lean Pockets. They tast the same as Hot Pockets, only the say ‘Lean’. I have yet to verify on the nutrition facts.

Fruit. Nature’s snack. Bananas come pre-packaged.

Ham Slices. Not for sandwiches even, I just eat them out of the package while standing in the kitchen with the dogs watching my every move.

Pizza and Applesauce and Apples with Pizza Sauce. Stuck in your head? Good.

Chunky Soup. Donovan McNabb’s mom was right, it eats like a meal…a meal with 14 canisters of salt poured on it.

Fruit Snacks. If fruit is nature’s snack then fruit snacks are the unnatural cyborg version. I get them as a reward to myself for shopping. I usually eat them on the way home.

Frozen Taquitos. This only happens when I talk on my phone when I’m shopping, which is most of the time. It is not only frozen taquitos. It is just something that I grab that I don’t think about because I’m too engrossed in my conversation about Glee. You can substitute Gatorade powder, pudding, pudding pops, or off brand Oreos. Basically, it’s whatever will illicit surprise while unpacking the groceries at home.

Yogurt. I eat yogurt as if Yoplait was going out of business and one of the executives e-mailed me saying it was my duty as an American to bail out the company the only way I know how…opening my face hole.

Cereal. I always get one sugary cereal to placate my id and a healthy one for my super ego. Sometimes if I just want to get one I’ll get the Freudy Pops to satisfy both.

Extra Banana Smoothie Gum. Yep. I’m the reason they have those things at the checkout.

Then when I arrive home my wife will say, “Oh thanks for going grocery shopping! That’s so great! What did you get? Nevermind…I’ll go again tomorrow.

Next prompt: When you are late to something, what is usually the reason?

Like an Arthritic Giant. Stories of Dancing

December 16, 2009

If there is a treat of any kind in front of me, I can’t help but eat it. I have about zero will power. Currently, I am full of chocolate covered raisins and chocolate covered almonds. Too much of a good thing. I heard that our rap, “Pizza and Applesauce” was on the radio this morning. Radioplay, that’s a big first step. I know the DJs of the morning show and had e-mailed it to them, but still. I feel like Frankie Valenz, only good things happened to him.

For the last prompt I asked: What was your favorite subject in elementary school?

I will use Katya’s answer:

“We had a dance class in elementary school. It was my favorite, and I always participated in every dance performance we had to do for school”

Katya, welcome to the commenting fold. You will find that they are a hearty, friendly people. Did you know that every person commenting for the first time gets a free oil change at Pepboys in your local area? Just print off a screen shot of this website with your comment and bring it in with you. Pepboys will feign ignorance. They’ll pretend like they’ve never heard of it, but they have, oh they have, big time.

I didn’t take dance class in elementary school. Wait, maybe I did for P.E. once. I do remember our school’s prehistoric production of “Where There’s a Wheel There’s a Way.” Alex “Sultry Voice” Vermillion had the lead. I believe I was an unnamed chorus member. Here’s what I remember from the title song, “Where there’s a wheel there’s a way/There’s always a waaay/ What would you do without a wheel?/Not very well I’d say!” It’s true if you think about it.

My mom, however, was a dance teacher while I was growing up, so there was plenty of dance all around me. She never made us kids take lessons or anything, so I don’t have that baggage. She would have her dance recital every year that we were supposed to attend.

I love dancing. Here are my top favorite dancing moments of my life (in no particular order):

1. Solon Beef Days. In high school two of my friends, Ben and Jesse, and I went to the small town outdoor festival. It was on their main street and they had carnival rides and a band playing in a band shell. I don’t remember their name, but it was something like, “Steer Clear.” There was a “teen dance” going on down the street with a DJ set up on the corner, but to our dismay there was not a soul dancing. We decided to take it over and get the party started. Within a few minutes of dancing there were people literally three deep watching us dance. They had never seen anything like it. Eventually it all filled in with people and the party had begun. Quote: I remember a couple of girls who claimed to be from California say to me, “You could dance with the brothers.”

Young Life Castaway Club. JJ “Crazy Legs” Alberhasky and were doing program in 2001and we did a rendition of “Pop” by ‘NSync inthat blew the roof off the place. People that were there almost remember it. Again, pre-YouTube days. Quote: “That guy moves like Lance Bass.”

2. Wedding Reception. This was my favorite wedding dance party ever. In the middle my wife grabbed the mic and spontaneously rapped the entire “Whatta Man” song to me while standing on a chair. By the end of the reception I triumphantly threw my shirt off for a great exit, stalled only by having to wait for the elevator. Quote: “My man is smooth like Barry and his voice got bass, a body like Arnold with a Denzel face.”

3. Dance Off. It was late on a Saturday night. Downtown Iowa City. I was standing outside a pizza slice place when I spontaneously got into a dance off with a guy on the sidewalk. He was very good. I’m not sure I won. My friend shot a video and it’s somewhere online, but it was pre-YouTube so I don’t know where to find it. Quote: “He can’t dance with the brothers.”

4. Yakov Angel Dance. I was briefly in Yakov Smirnoff’s Branson show, on Sundays, during the fall, 2 years ago. I had to sing and dance. Well, I had to lip sync and dance. Well, I had to lip sync and kind of dance. I was in a white tux with wings and a top hat, with another comedian and about 12 Russian actual dancers. I thought I fared all right, however, I’ve seen the video and I couldn’t dance as well and I towered over them, making me look like an arthritic giant. Quote: “Hey Adam, did you know you can sue people in heaven?” “Really?” “Yeah, but good luck finding a lawyer up here.”

Surprise Roommate. One time in college I decided that I needed to dance so I pushed all the furniture out of the way, cranked up Jock Jams and got to dancing. I had my shirt off and my back turned when my roommate, JJ, having quietly walked in, said softly, “Jeff?” Quote: “What’s wrong with you?”

Next prompt: What is something you have to often do that you aren’t very good at?

I Pooped a Rainbow in the Front Yard

December 14, 2009

Welcome to Monday, bask in the memory of the weekend. Our stand up night went very well. Very happy with it. Also, last night, my wife completed her last work for her graduate classes. She was more excited than a straw in a smoothie.

For the last prompt I asked: What is your most common distraction?

I’ll use Allan’s answer:

“right now, dog hair on my coat. it is all over, and multiplying as if jesus is blessing each strand to provide me extra warmth….”

Dog hair, man, what are you going to do with it? I used to think it was weird when people had dog hair all over their coats, now I’m that guy. No matter how much swiping or brushing of your sweater you do, they still stick around. Growing up I only had hypo-allergenic dogs. Basically, they were just dogs that didn’t shed…and were insane…and had a lot of issues. The worst, was my dog, Magic. He was a bichon frise, he was white and poofy and looked like a small poodle. But, oh, oh, beneath that charming and cute exterior, the inside was dark and twisted. 

If Magic was literate, had thumbs, and knew how to manipulate a pen or a keyboard, this is what I imagine his diary to look like.

May 16, 1989

Woke up today and looked for somewhere to relieve the old Einstein. I found a corner and it was good. Hehe, it was real good. As I was trotting around on my morning stroll, I came across some baseball cards. I ate them real good. Hehe, they tasted like old gum. The woman owner came over looking all upset and stuff. I gave her what I call the Sweet Nothings look. She seemed to buy it. I pooped a Dale Murphy card on the front lawn. Good day.

July 22, 1989

I’ve been sloppy lately. They still think I’m cute, but they’re starting to get suspicious. They got me a choke chain. It’s just a linked one that works as a slip knot. Big whoop. Talk to me when they get one with spikes. I ate 14 crayons today. I pooped a rainbow in the front yard.

October 31, 1989

The littlest one tried to dress me as a pumpkin today, I bit his chubby little finger. I caught an episode of My Two Dads today. I swear that show is going to last forever. I pooped an unknown bright object in the front yard.

December 25, 1989

Aaaahh, Christmas, the presents, the family, the joy, the smell of cayenne red pepper powder in the nose. Yep, my loving family got red pepper powder to shove in my nose when I have cornered human food. Little do they know, I’m impervious to it.  The middle one was up on the kitchen counter with a broom, red pepper powder, and a frightened look on his face trying to get some raisin bran away from my steely grip. It was exhilerating. I pooped a portion of a Troll doll in the front yard today.

December 26, 1989

Christmas with the extended family. I ate “Uncle Ken’s” glasses. You heard right. His whole glasses, glass and all. Am I the baddest bichon in history? You better believe it. I’m a freakin’ seeing eye dog! Get it? I pooped blood on the carpet.

January 16, 1990

My “family” got a choke chain with spikes today. I’m a fru-fru dog, but aawww, yeah, I got spikes. What they don’t realize is that this only increases my street cred. I’m feeling more empowered. They also don’t realize that I am impervious to their latest attempt at control. The middle boy tried to take me on a walk today. Pardon me, the boy literally dragged me up the street today. Point to Magic. I ate one pile of rubber bands today. Pooped a rubber band ball in the front yard.

August 11, 1990

Nearly ate off a child’s finger today. Pooped a pile of no regrets in the front yard.

April 29, 1991

Vet actually put me on steroids today. I convinced him I was allergic to something…whatever…I don’t remember what it was. As if I need anymore strength. I don’t have to worry about things shrinking, I don’t have anything there anymore. I ate a family picture today and pooped out a blank sheet of paper. Booyah, stomach acids!

January 19, 1994

I feel like my liver might be giving out. How could that be? It’s not like that’s the organ that processes all of the weird crap I’ve been eating. A flood of emotions have hit me as I’ve thought back on the type of life I’ve lived. If anyone ends up reading this journal, know that you shouldn’t live as I have lived. I have many regrets. I’m getting old. I ate a grape today. I pooped out a raisin in the front yard.

Next prompt: What was your best subject in elementary school and why?

Standup, sit down, night, nigHT NIGHT!! Standup Night at the Skinny

December 11, 2009

Once again I don’t have much time to post, however, I should let you know about a cool thing that we’re doing tonight at the Skinny.

Tonight at 10 pm we are having a show we call, Stand Up, Sit Down, Night NigHT NIGHT! It’s an all standup show featuring Skinny Improv members, Matt Barnes, Sarah Jenkins, me (Jeff Houghton), and Tyler Snodgrass. They stand up, you sit down, it’s at night. If you’ve wanted to check out stand up but can’t find it very much in Springfield, this is your chance. It should be a really quality show. You roll the dice to determine how much you pay ($1-$6). You hear that? You might just pay $1.00. The level of entertainment may be three times that much.

Also, here are are a couple of segments I did for KSPR-Channel 33 last week.

and…

I love you always,

Jeff

‘Pizza and Applesauce’ The Latest Rap Video

December 10, 2009

I don’t have time to post today, but I’m not going to leave you empty handed. Here is the latest rap video that debuted on The Mystery Hour last weekend. It is written by Jeff Houghton, directed by Nate Black, and performed by Jeff Houghton, Jeff Jenkins, with Dan Clair.

Ladies, have you ever wondered what your husband does when you’re out of town? Wonder no more. Now you know.

Birdwatching? Seriously?

December 9, 2009

I’m full of too much food. In a moment of strength I threw away half of an ooey gooey chocolate brownie. The rest of it is fighting with the turkey in my belly. I’m not sure which is winning, but I know that it is starting to get violent. You ever think about the strange mix of stuff going on in your belly after a meal? That’s why I like casseroles, it skips the middle man.

For the last prompt I asked: What is one of your sibling’s hobbies?

I’ll use Matt’s answer:

“I have no siblings, but there are people who are LIKE siblings to me. The closest person I have to a brother is a birder. He runs a birding blog and has a list of all the birds he’s ever seen in his life. Ever. No, he is not Rainman.”

That almost sounded like in place of a brother you have a birder. I would think a cousin would be closer, but to each his own. To each his own. I have never ever seen the appeal of birdwatching.

“Hey guys, we’re going out to the woods to look at birds through these here binoculars.”

“So you’re just looking at them?”

“Yes”

“So you get dressed, put on bug spray, pack a lunch, and wander the woods, for the chance to look at birds? I don’t get it.”

“Yes, but there is the complete thrill when you find one.”

“Explain to me that moment.”

“Well, like last week we were out and I saw a bird in the distance so I yelled to my brother, Paul, ‘Hey Paul! I see a bird over there.’ He said, ‘Where?’ So, I pointed toward the bird. We got our binoculars out so we could see it closer.”

“And?”

“Well, the very bird that I pointed out, we saw it, only closer.”

“Okay”

I’m certain that your birder is a cool guy, but a list of all the birds he has seen? That seems like a bit much. On a blog? I thought my blog was boring, that must be even more boring. Here is an abridged list of the things I have seen in the woods.

-People in a boat having sex. I was in high school and we first thought that it was the sound of kids yelling and a guy fixing his boat. There was Bonnie Raitt playing too.

-A squirrel riding a deer.

-A guy chasing my brothers, two friends, and me. We had been following him and his girlfriend at the time, spying, as you do when you’re young. my brother, Scott refused to go back in the woods.

-Ruins of Roman outposts on a solo bike ride of the mountains of Wales. I got lost, it was almost really bad.

-Two hunters that my friend and I had to frantically run away from as we were trespassing. At one point I hid behind a thin tree like an old cartoon, probably with my belly sticking out.

-Trees

-Black throated gray warbler. It was glorious!

Next prompt: What is your most common distraction?

Hole in Juan. Don’t Mess with the Arts Council.

December 8, 2009

If you missed the Mystery Hour on Friday, you really missed out on, everything. Jim O’Neal was great and Michelle Sherwood was fantastic. She may have been one of the funniest interviews yet. Plus, she gave me a kit to turn regular shoes into tap shoes…just in case. And, we premiered a new rap video. I’ll have that online soon.

For the last prompt I asked: What is the last thing you mailed?

I’ll use Amanda’s answer:

“Probably bills from the Arts Council. We need our money!!!”

Everyone needs money right now. But, if you owe the Arts Council money, it would be wise to pay up soon, they don’t mess around. Screwing around the Arts Council is like messing with the mafia. The Arts Council’s power and influence know no bounds. They will gladly mess you up. My buddy, Chris, messed with the Arts Council one time a few years ago. I haven’t seen from him since then and rumor is he was made into a mobile. Here’s an example of someone, named Jeremy, on the wrong end of the Arts Council.

Phone rings

Jeremy: Hello?

Arts Council: Jeremy, do yous know who this is?

Jeremy: No I don’t.

AC: I think yous do.

Jeremy: Honestly, I don’t. I don’t have any idea.

AC: Well then, it’s my job to ’splain it to yous.

Jeremy: Okay.

AC: Do you remember attending a classy, generous event called, Heart for the Arts?

Jeremy: Yeah…

AC: Do yous remember the silent auction?

Jeremy: Yeah..

AC: Well, then surely yous remember bidding on two free rounds of putt-putt golf at Hole in Juan, the classy Mexican themed miniature golf destination during the silent auction.

Jeremy: Yeah…

AC: Jeremy…

Jeremy: What?

AC: Jerrreeemmmyyy

Jeremy: What.

AC: Yous haven’t paid up. Do yous have any notion of what people like me do to people like you who don’t pay up? The auction isn’t the only thing I can make silent.

Jeremy: I meant to give it to you, honest, it’s just that…

AC: I don’t want no excuses Jeremy. I need the money. I can very easily turn your face from realism into abstract. I see two lines converging at the horizon and only one of us has a knife.

Jeremy: I’ll get you the money.

AC: Have you noticed how calm I am Jeremy? I’m a very understanding man. One question for you. Jeremy, do you not like children?

Jeremy: No they’re fine. I like children.

AC: Did you know that the Heart for the Arts event directly benefits children’s programming? So I want to know what you have against the little tikes.

Jeremy: Nothing, I’ve got nothing against them.

AC: Against who?

Jeremy: Kids.

AC: Who?

Jeremy: The little tikes.

AC: Say it.

Jeremy: I got nothing against the little tikes.

AC: Do you want to have little tikes of your own?

Jeremy: Yes, someday I would.

AC: You know I could make it so you wouldn’t be able to have kids. I’m very very adept with a wire clay cutter and a kiln. Just thought you might like to know that.

Jeremy: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

AC: Sorry doesn’t transform lives and enrich our community, Jeremy. You see Jeremy, when you pledged $21.00 in that silent auction, you pledged to be a part of our community. There is nothing more unforgivable than making a promise to your community and then backing out. There are kids out there who may be forced to do without the unquantifiable resource that arts brings them. I’m getting worked up right now. My doc said I shouldn’t get worked up, like the way I’m getting worked up right now, thinking of you, the scum of the earth. You know what is quantifiable, Jeremy? Jeremy, the number of fingers in my fist is quantifiable. The number of fists on my hand is quantifiable, the number of arms on my torso is quantifiable, the number of times I would beat you if only given the chance is quantifiable, Jeremy. You know what happens if I have none of those? I would just be a torso, legs and a head. You know what else is just a torso, legs and a head? That’s right, Venus De Milo. Venus De Milo is a masterpiece of art.

Jeremy: So you have breasts.

AC: What?

Jeremy: Venus De Milo is a woman.

AC: Shut yo’ mouth.

Jeremy: Are you going to come to my house to get the cash?

AC: No. We have a convenient PayPal button on our homepage, we’re not savages.

Jeremy: Okay.

AC: Or are we?

Next prompt: What is one of your sibling’s hobbies?

A Live Blog from Inside of a Real Webinar.

December 7, 2009

I find myself trapped in a webinar right now. The guards cannot see me on my Blackberry.

To set the scene, there are about 15 of us in a small conference room. It’s dark. There are powerpoint slides being shown on the wall. There is a British woman on the phone reading the slides. She may or may not have H1N1.

I came into this webinar with high hopes. I thought it was going to be ‘webinarly.’ It is webinot. The message is about proper donor incentive items for blood donors. It is as riveting as watching an Oreo reach its half-life.

I will post again if I am able to emerge from this darkness. If I do not survive, live well and love one another. Just love. Simply love. I will miss you world.

I’m being drawn toward the projector light. I’m being sucked into the vortex of the webinar. I feel surprisingly calm. Love.

Here’s the Info for the Show Tonight!

December 4, 2009

The Mystery Hour is tonight! I’m determined to have a great crowd because my archnemesis, John Tesh is in town performing at Juanita K. Hammons. Tesh and I have a deal that anytime we are performing in the same city, we compete to get the biggest crowd. Tonight will be no exception. I’m hoping to wipe the floor with him like I did in Cleveland. Things are going to get Teshy.

 

Info:

Friday, December 4th

10:15 pm

Skinny Improv Comedy Theatre

GUESTS:
MAYOR JIM O’NEAL, Springfield’s man at the top. He will be decreeing things left and right. It is every citizen’s duty to be there. He will be taking attendance and reducing your sales tax rate if you are in attendance.

MICHELLE SHERWOOD, lively KSPR anchor. I’ll be on her show at 4:00 today, set your DVR.

MUSICAL GUEST, Chris May

**Plus a new rap video and some bonus Christmas cheer

Tickets $7.00

www.themysteryhour.com

Get reservations online at www.theskinnyimprov.com

Top Search Terms! Beware.

December 3, 2009

The Mystery Hour is TOMORROW night! One of the guests is Mayor Jim O’Neal. It is every citizen’s duty to be at the show, he said so. Every attendee get’s 20% off their sales tax for a month. Not true.

I will use the prompt I asked last time later. Today, it’s time for the ever popular segment, Top Search Items. We’ll reveal what search terms brought people to this website and explain their dissapointment level upon arriving at this website. These are weird, and makes you wonder about people.

Humpty Dumpty. This was by far the leader in searches. I tried doing the search myself and found that it took more pages of search results to get to this website than I had patience for. Disappointment level: 14 gooey King’s Men.

The opposite of right is the opposite of. Deep. Disappointment level: The sound of one hand clapping

 Mystery Rash. This website offers no solutions or ointments. Disappointment level: 3 days of itching and oozing.

don’t hit me, i’m just an exchange stude . I think this one ended abruptly because the foreign exchange student had just been hit. Here’s a hint, if you’re about to get hit, while in a different country, don’t try to look up solutions for getting out of the situation. Disappointment level: Same as Americans seeing the exchange rate while abroad.

screw you smoothies. This can be taken two ways. One, out of anger at smoothies, “Screw you smoothies and your nutritional value!” or someone was not looking for a strawberry banana smoothie, instead, they were looking for a screw you smoothie. Yummy. Disappointment level: 4 packets of Turbinado

how to put hands in opposite pockets. Answer, wear your pants backwards. Dissapointment level: The opposite of finding ten bucks in your pocket.

Golden Corral commercial the bird says n. Let me finish that, “The bird says, never go there…without at least one senior citizen.  Disappointment level: Broccoli in the chocolate pudding.

what goes opposite of right 4 times. Left, left, left, left. What could this search have possibly been for? Is it a riddle? Disappointment level: a timeout after nap time.

male on male chestsitting. Physically impossible to do at the same time…oh wait…that’s gross isn’t it…oh, what…I’m leaving.