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February 8, 2010
I swear that I will do the old thing of responding to your comments, but it won’t be this week. Here is a highlight from Friday’s show, which was really fun by the way. It’s a video of my trip to VisionCon, Springfield’s premier sci-fi convention. We did it last year and it was a crowd favorite, so we did it again this year.
Enjoy.
February 5, 2010
The Mystery Hour is tonight! Believe it. I did attend VisionCon again this year, there may be a video. Plus, a crowd favorite, that will remain a mystery. You need to come to see it. Plus these guests——>>>>>>>
Here’s a blast from the past video:
Plus, here it is, as I do every month on the day of The Mystery Hour, it’s Ridiculous Search Terms. As always, these are real search terms that brought people to this website. Why? I have no idea.
mystery mesh hat. Mesh hats are probably the most mysterious of all the hats. Disappointment level upon arriving at this website: Busted pegs on the adjustable strap.
teddy fendergrass’ real name? Teddy Pendergrass. Disappointment level: Oh great, I got a Google search, ‘Did you actually mean…’
“ripped his pants”. That’s what happens when you walk around wit’ your pants on the ground, pants on the ground. Disappointment level: Looking like a fool.
buckle down and work “cartoon” I can’t, my fingers are tired. Dad, I can’t do it. My fingers are bleeding. Stop it Dad, I don’t want to be a cartoonist -Billy Keane. Disappointment level: PJ’s future job prospects.
jeff houghton pizza I’ll admit, that one was me. I was hungry. Disappointment level: Calling to order pizza and finding out you’re not in their delivery territory, so you have to call like three other locations.
beaner beard rash I hope that clears up for you. Maybe you should stop exfolliating with pintos. Disappointment level: Having to explain it to your doctor.
guy wearing a hood Stop searching and run! You can never trust a guy wearing a hood. When has that ever been a good thing? Boy, honey, we seem to be lost in the Bronx, perhaps I’ll ask this friendly gentleman in a hood. Disappointment level: Someone pulling the strings really hard while you’re wearing a hood.
{searchterms} What? Why would you search for search terms? What could the situation possibly be to warrant looking up search terms? That’s like using Google to search, “Google”. It’s like going into a Dillard’s and asking if they have any Dillard’s. Disappointment level: Having to look yourself in the mirror.
See you tonight!
February 3, 2010
I have been a posting loser lately. I apologize to my fan. I’ve been crazy busy and it doesn’t let up until after next week. However, you should be reminded that The Mystery Hour The Show Not The Blog will be Friday night. I don’t want to give too much away, but it might just be an awesome show. We have a couple of great videos we’re showing and a couple great guests. Leah Jenkins is a guest and a friend. I have rarely interviewed someone that I’m already friends with, so that should be 
exciting. You don’t want to miss out on Brenda Harriman, she could talk about something like, say, chili, and it would be enertaining. In fact, hopefully she will. Plus, Preservation Society is one of my favorite bands. They are going to play a song like usual and then also play a theme song they wrote for the show and the crowd will get to vote on if it should remain the new song. We want to get an original theme song so we stop stealing from Cheap Trick/Beatles. When we all make it big we’ll need an original, so we might as well be ahead of the game, way ahead.
Since I don’t really have time, I’m going to post some of my favorite comments of all time (well, it turns out not all time, just the first trimester). If you haven’t noticed the people that comment on the posts are funnier than me, so I might as well recognize them. We have some that comment a lot and some that comment a little, but they’re all pretty darn good. In this post they’ll be completely out of context too! I won’t put comments up from the last post, but they’re the ones that gave me the idea. I will get to the last prompt soon hopefully.
In no particular order, the top comments:
Speedy Gonzales:
I love the movie Erin Brockovich… and I am a guy.
Tiffany:
My secret love is cereal for dinner. I loathe cooking, and I love cereal, so I cheat a LOT and have cereal for dinner. My favorite, though, is Cocoa Pebbles…and believe it or not, I consider this healthy. I’m a sucker for kids’ cereals, despite being nearly 30-years-old.
Matt:
A cheetah with three broken legs.
Allan:
The Hadron Collider would not fit in the bed of a pickup truck. But could you imagine the widespread panic that would result if someone had a potentially world-ending atomic collider in their vehicle instead of the stereotypical gun rack or ice chest full of refreshing beverages!?
I think Chrysler should consider making expensive scientific contraptions available for options for customers buying a vehicle. It would certainly reflect Obama’s attempt to redeem the United States’ Scientific edge. I think replacing cup holders with bunsen burners is a fantastic idea personally.
Jesse:
I conclude sneezes by performing a backflip and taunting all nearby witnesses. It gets me pumped up for the next sneeze.
Grant:
My couch. I gave it to my brother and sister-in-law for free…it was an old couch. They sent me a lovely card with a large amount of cash in it, as they insisted on paying for the couch. I tried to return the money, but my brother started raising his voice at me, just shy of yelling, and I thought I was about to get punched, so I kept the money. I am still, however, feeling bad about taking his money, and I’ll probably keep it in an envelope for 27 years and never spend it because to do so would make me a criminal of sorts.
Jeff:
oops. I was signed in as you. This is michelle.
April:
Banana Runts have always been the only Runts for me. Next time you buy some, set the yellow ones aside for next time I happen to see you.
Matt:
If a girl, my name would have been Pamela. And I’m pretty sure I would go by Pamela, too, not Pam. And I would be a spinster or a pro golfer.
Amanda:
Every morning I shout a not very nice word to my alarm clock. It starts with an “f.”
Laurel (The Jerk):
Actually, “science” does NOT say that Pluto is not a planet. Four percent of the International Astronomical Union, most of whom are not planetary scientists, say this. Their 2006 decision was immediately rejected by hundreds of other professional astronomers in a formal petition led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto.
Stern and like-minded scientists favor a broader planet definition that includes any non-self-luminous spheroidal body in orbit around a star. The spherical part is important because objects become spherical when they attain a state known as hydrostatic equilibrium, meaning they are large enough for their own gravity to pull them into a round shape. This is a characteristic of planets and not of shapeless asteroids and Kuiper Belt Objects. Pluto meets this criterion and is therefore a planet.
January 29, 2010
I just finished off some Raspberry Iced Tea, let’s do this. I’ve just added a second guest to the next show, Leah Jenkins, she is the Executive Director of the Springfield Regional Arts Council. She will be awesome, don’t forget it. The show is a week from this Friday on February 5th. There will be two new videos revisting a couple of crowd favorites. Plus, Preservation Society will be playing. They are one of the best bands we’ve had on the show.
For the last prompt I asked, what song was most recently stuck in your head.
I’ll use Matt’s answer:
“Walking on Sunshine. Stupid Glee.”
I will say that I passed on Amanda’s answer, but it inspired me for something else down the road. Walking on Sunshine is an infectiously happy song, Matt, it’s okay. The fact that it was on Glee makes it even that much more infectious, not that I watch that show…all the time.
Walking on Sunshine actually makes sense in Springfield, Missouri since there is a Sunshine Street. I wonder what that song would be like if it really was about walking on Sunshine Street. Sorry, if you’re not from Springfield, this won’t make sense. This is definitely worth following along with the music. Here is the video.
Walking on Sunshine (Street)
I used to think maybe you’re Cox, now I know you’re St. John’s
Had Mexican Villa last week, and it’s not all gone
Now everytime I sneak around ANPAC, don’t wanna be found
Restraining order stops me at Andy’s and no further down
[Chorus:]
I’m walking on Sunshine (Uh-oh)
I’m walking on Sunshine (Uh-oh)
I’m walking on Sunshine (Hey! Ever hear of turn signal, Jerkwad?!)
And it don’t feel good (HEY!) Not alright now
And it don’t feel good (HEY!) Got hit by a KIA just now
I used to think east side was bad, there’s just a Sam’s Club
But then I went west with the seedy, real seedy, strip clubs
Head to Schweitzer to cleanse, that didn’t work, no, no, no
Go to Canton Inn for some Mu Shu pork
I’m walking on Sunshine (Uh-oh)
I’m walking on Sunshine (Uh-oh)
I’m walking on Sunshine (There’s Bass Pro!)
But it’s on Campbell (HEY!) Then what is that now?!
Wonders of Wildlife (HEY!) Really empty now
But that’s a nice pond! (HEY!)
Walking on Sunshine
Walking on Sunshine
I see Fed Med, I see Fed Med, I see Fed Med that’s really weird
They are patients, but they’re felons, hope they don’t see me standing here
I’m on Sunshine, baby
I’m on Sunshine, baby
Next prompt: What is something memorable you have had stolen from you?
January 22, 2010
I’ve got a thing all day again today, so here is a news story that KSFX did on the Mystery Hour. Keep it real Internet!
{{desc}}
January 21, 2010
I have a work thing all day, so I’ll just put up Round Two of the public feud with KY3’s Dave Snider. Once again, here is Dave Snider being hysterical, while we try to keep up.
If you missed Round 1, it is posted below.
January 20, 2010
I’m back. I had to take some ‘me’ time to go find myself. Here I am.
Check out this video. It is round one of my public feud with KY3 weatherman, Dave Snider. He started it. This might be the funniest thing we’ve done. I can say this because it was all Dave Snider being hilarious.
For the last prompt I asked: What is the worst/best/most mediocre pick up line you’ve heard?
I’ll use Allan’s answer:
“Happy Anniversary! how many years have you been together? Well now I have to buy you that many drinks! *creepy wink*”
Yes, Allan, that is extremely creepy. There is nothing worse than a creepy wink. I bet that 82% of all winks are indeed creepy. The main exception being a wink from a grandma, they’re just sweet. I was thinking of doing a story about a guy who can’t wink very well, so it just looks like he’s blinking, but I’m deciding against it in order to go with the anniversary portion of the answer.
You know what’s stupid? The listing of wedding anniversary gifts by year. You know? Each year you are supposed to get your spouse a different kind of gift, based on what year anniversary it is. For example, Year 25 is silver. That is great and all, but the ones leading up to it are pretty ridiculous. However, I’m a great gift giver, so people often ask me my advice. Here are my ideas for husbands not sure what to get their wives for each anniversary.
Listing of anniversary year and gift:
1. Paper. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Paper mache sculpture of your wife’s face. Affix it to the wall in the living room
2. Cotton. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: A romantic getaway to a Bed and Breakfast near a cotton field, with an early morning excursion to pick cotton for the day.
3. Leather. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: An old cow.
4. Fruit or flowers. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: All expense paid trip to the Golden Corral Salad Bar.
5. Wood. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: A handsaw and a path to your neighbor’s tree that dumps leaves in your yard.
6. Iron. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: An iron, with a pile of your clothes.
7. Wool or copper. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Why not both? A sheep that died of copper poisoning
8. Bronze. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Two free passes for Mystic Tanning. It says, Let’s look hot, without the cancer.
9. Pottery. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Turn your bonus room into a kiln.
10. Tin or aluminum. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: A trip to the recycling center where you play the game, try not to get stung by the bees.
11. Steel. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Magnolias
12. Silk or linen. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: 12 silk worms
13. Lace. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: A year’s supply of doilies.
14. Ivory. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Poach an elephant, put it in the garage.
15. Crystal. Jeff’s Hot Gift Idea: Find an old lady at an old folks home named Crystal. Put her in a box. Wrap the box. Poke holes in the box. Surprise wife. Research Medicaid Part D.
Next prompt: What song was in your head most recently?
February 15, 2010
I went to Godfather’s for some lunch buffet today. Man, it is tasty and barely worth it. I had my fair share of dessert pizza, which is just about the best invention ever. It takes two great things, puts them together and makes something even better. It’s like Conan and Leno having their own shows every night on NBC…nevermind. 
As far as I can tell, there is only one solution to that problem. They need to blow the whole thing up, and search elsewhere, somewhere in middle America, skip looking on TV, start looking for second rate, monthly talk shows , when you find them, don’t choose the one that is the best, instead choose the most mediocre, if they need help I know a guy. Take that show and stick it in after the local news, surely it couldn’t be any worse than the problem they have now. My friend, Chad, at Fair City News wrote a similar satirical article here.
For the last prompt I asked: Where did you get your pants?
They were all so good that I’m going to use everyone’s answer:
“i’m wearing loaner pants. they are blue and i don’t have to wash them”
“I’m wearing hand-me downs. I don’t know where they were originally purchased, but they didn’t fit someone right, so they gave them to me. They don’t fit me exactly right, either, but they’re stretchy, which is always good after the holidays.”
“Express. That’s where most of my dress pants come from. I’m a slave to the “young professional” look.”
I will write a short story using all of these answers at some point in the story. I haven’t done this for awhile, let’s see how it goes.
A Good Day?
Brady hated this situation. He stood with his trumpet, waiting to be introduced for the pep assembly. Brady was the second chair trumpet, so he was also stood right behind Stacey in line. The cheerleaders finished their rousing rendition of “Let’s Go Comets!” As they giggled and pranced by, Brady started up his part for the “Hey Song.” When he reached midcourt things seemed to be going pretty well for the eighth grader. He wasn’t sweating too much as he tends to do in these situations, making a shiny gleen on his forehead beneath the red curly hair.
Then, as if the halfcourt line, reached up and grabbed his foot, as Teddy Fendergrass used to do, Brady was on the floor, his trumpet punching his cheek and his face headbutting his own reflection on the waxed floor. All that wasn’t even so bad, it was recoverable, but as his left foot fell forward, his right slipped back. His blue pant legs followed correspondingly, only the cotton fabric couldn’t stretch as much as his skin and muscles and tendons. He didn’t know he ripped his pants when it happened, he knew 3.5 seconds later when the over enthused students gasped, pointed, laughed, and began yelling, “Banana split pants!” instead of “Hey!” during the appropriate parts of the song. It was started by Teddy Fendergrass soon spreading to everyone, and only partially making any sense.
Brady finished the song through a mixture of clenched butt cheeks and limited movements. After the assembly Brady was at his locker putting things away when Teddy approached.
“Hey Brady, nice job in the assembly. I think I saw your crack!” said Teddy.
“Shut up man,” whispered Brady.
“What’d you say?!” said Teddy
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything,” replied Brady.
Good. I’m going to try to come up with a good nickname for you, that will stick forever,” replied Teddy.
“Lay off man, they’re loaner pants, they’re blue and I don’t have to wash them,” said Brady.
“What does that mean, loaner pants?” asked Teddy?
“It means I forgot my pants today, so the office gave me some loaner pants, that’s why they ripped, they don’t quite fit.”
“So you showed up to school without wearing pants?”
“I was in a hurry, and besides, I was wearing a long coat.”
“What are you going to do now, Crack the Ripper?”
“I’ll have to go to the office and have my mom bring me some new pants.”
“Ha! Your mom? You still live with your mom?”
“Yes. I’m eighth grade.”
“So am I, and I have my own apartment.”
“That’s ‘cuz this is your fourth year in the eighth grade.”
“What’d you say Torn Identity?”
“Nothing.”
Brady hugged the wall and made his way to the office, where the gatekeeper sat. She was in her 50’s and didn’t like anything. Anything.
“I need to call my mom and have her bring me my pants,” murmured Brady, shifting his weight and staring at a spot on the counter.
“Didn’t I give you pants this morning?” replied Karen “Don’t call me Karen” Oldstaff.
“Yes, but they ripped, and I need some my size. My mom won’t mind…”
“Son, let me tell you something about pants. I’m wearing hand-me downs. I don’t know where they were originally purchased, but they didn’t fit someone right, so they gave them to me,” explained Ms. Oldstaff. ”They don’t fit me exactly right, either, but they’re stretchy, which is always good after the holidays. So the next time you feel like complaining, just remember me in my pants.”
“I don’t want to,” whispered Brady under his breath and under his braces, but above his chin pimples. Brady took a deep breath, turned around and bent over so she could see the rip.
“Oooh, stop that. I get it. Stop it, Rip Butt Winkle”
Brady called his mom who agreed to come, so he took a seat on the bench up against the wall. He hadn’t noticed Addison sitting there already. She was also an eighth grader, she was about a foot taller than Brady. Addison had red hair, but not the bright kind, the subtle kind that Brady wished he had. Brady had always had a bit of a crush on her, but to be truthful, he had a bit of a crush on most of the girls in his grade. Brady slumped down and stared at the floor as he usually does.
“Why are you sitting here?” asked Addison.
“I had to get something for a project,” said Brady, lying.
“Was the project about repairing ripped pants?”
“You saw?”
“Yes, it was funny!”
“It seems like everyone thought that except me.”
“Oh, it wasn’t so bad. Not everyone noticed.”
“Yeah, I don’t know, I hope so.”
“Although I did see a video on Facebook already.”
Brady slumped up a little bit. He was still slumping, but more of an upright slump. No one else would have noticed, but there was a difference. He didn’t usually get the chance to talk to the pretty girls this long. It was usually either an, “excuse me,” or “pardon me” or a “I know this from a John Adams documentary on public television” in regards to a class project in American Studies, where Brady was an expert. He suspiciously tried to figure out why she was talking to him.
“Why are you talking to me?” he subtley asked.
“I don’t know, ‘cuz you’re here. You’re kind of like a celebrity today,” replied Addison.
“Yeah, but why are you here?” asked Brady
“Well…” said Addison. It was her turn to be nervous.
“What is it?” said Brady with surprising confidence, given the circumstances.
“Promise to not tell anyone?”
“Sure,” said Brady. Brady was usually on the outside of secrets, so this felt exciting.
“Well, you know when you ripped your pants and everyone was laughing?” said Addison.
“Ummm…yes.”
“Well, whenever I laugh a lot I pee my pants a little.”
“So, you peed your pants a little?”
“Well, kind of a lot.”
“Did anybody see?”
“No! I’m wearing my best pants today too. They’re from Express. That’s where most of my dress pants come from. I’m a slave to the ‘young professional’ look.”
“So you’re waiting for your mom to bring you new pants?”
“Yeah, my stepmom is coming,” said Addison keeping her trapper keeper on her lap.
“Yeah, but you’re popular, you don’t do things like that.”
“I know. Don’t tell anyone. You have to promise. This is our thing, okay? I would say I won’t tell anyone about your problem, but everyone already knows. This is just for us, right?”
“I promise, not to tell anyone you peed your pants,” said Brady a little too loudly. With that, Brady decided that today wasn’t a bad day anymore. In fact, it was a good day.
January 13, 2010
There may be more coming today, I’m not sure. But, in case you missed the bonus part of the show on Friday night, where I did stand up and Cornbelt Chorus did another song, a video has been leaked to the internet. By leaked I mean I put it on YouTube. Here is me doing some stand up from Friday night.
January 12, 2010
Good afternoon party people.
For the last prompt I asked: Who is your arch nemesis?
I’ll use Jason’s answer: “Bert Convy. Even though he’s dead the scumball still gets me.”
If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad, I had to look it up too. Bert Convy was a game show host in the ’70’s and ’80’s. He hosted Password, which I remember. We would watch it at my grandparent’s house and put a big brown pillow over the bottom of the screen to cover up the answer. It was a soft, ribbed, oversized pillow. Going over to my grandparent’s house was one of the most fun things ever. First of all, this is my grandma:
Secondly, we could do whatever we wanted and she thought it was precious. My parents would take a trip every spring break, so we would go to my grandparent’s house for the week. The first thing my grandma would do is take us to Randall’s grocery store and we could go through all the aisles and pick out whatever food we wanted. At home, we didn’t eat sugary cereals. We had things like Grape Nuts, Grape Nuts Flakes, Cheerios, and occasionally King Vitamin (Anyone remember King Vitamin? There was a picture of an older guy on the front in a crown, not a cartoon, a picture). Going shopping with Grandma Norma, however, meant we could run up and down the aisles like the kids who won the shopping sprees to Toys R Us on Nickelodeon. We would nab Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Pinwheels, Fudge Bars, Chips Ahoy, or any other crap we could get our grubby little hands on.
Then we would spend our mornings watching Price is Right, and Denise Austin workout shows. We would spread out as best we could in the small living room and try to keep up with the spunky host. Whatever fitness we gained, we quickly lost on overdoses of Cheese Nips, they are cousins to Cheez Its, only better.
One year I kept a diary while I was there. I must have been nine.
March 21, 1987
Today, I woke up and guessed the showcase showdown within $1,000, but I didn’t get anything for it. Scott bit me. I put some Pinwheels in with my Trix and now my stomach feels like the time I accidentally swallowed those tadpoles. Grandma Norma is nice. Grandpa Orrie is nice too. Today, we dressed up like we were in a band. Maybe someday I can be a singer. Cari says I sound like a fat man suffering with sleep apnea, whatever that is. Anyway, I’m having a great time.
Now, it’s time for the bonus. Here is a listing of what would be great game show host names:
Ted Chaching
Squinty Newburg
Peter Whistlestop
Cheeks McWalters
Roger Fiduciary
Bruce Nowhammies
Next prompt: Where did you get the pants you’re wearing today?
