Mystery Hour Tonight! Plus, Ridiculous Search Terms!

March 5, 2010

It’s Mystery Hour night!

Get in out of the warm tonight and see The Mystery Hour!

Reasons, besides the amazing guests, you should come:

-There might be a free gift for everyone in the audience

-There might be a world premier of a music video

-There might be a new mustache

Info:
Friday, March 5th

10:15 pm

Skinny Improv Comedy Theater

Guests:
SUSAN SOMMER-LUARCA, renowned artist and official artist of the Winter Olympics. Here is an article I wrote about her for 417 Magazine

SHAWN MATTHEWS, owner of Vintage Vice
BROTHER WILEY, awesome musical guest

$5.00

www.theskinnyimprov.com

Every Mystery Hour day I choose to wow you with the absurdity of the search terms that brought people to this site, and their corresponding unique disappointment level. As always these are real search terms. Here we go.

Ridiculous Search Terms:

remack of walking on sun shine. Yep, this is the spot to find ‘remacks.’ A remack is when you hit on a girl and she turns you down, but you step up and remack on her again. Disappointment level: getting re-rejected.

i dont mean to be an a**hole. Then stop being one. Disappointment level: The same as needing to find comfort in other’s a**hole feelings about themselves so you search for it online. How did this possible bring them here? Wait a minute, am I one too?

mesh highlights. Breathability, comfort, style, the feeling that you’re wearing nothing at all. Disappointment level: Playing in a basketball game wear you realize you are actually wearing nothing at all.

golden corral sign come inside. Don’t let this tempt you. Sure, they’ll invite you in, but they won’t let you leave until you get a soft serve swirly cone that is impossible to stop coming out of the machine at the right time. Disappointment level: The meatloaf.

i ratted out co worker. Hello, Denise from accounting. I know it’s you. I didn’t know those cookies were for everybody. I’m hypoglycemic, lay off. Disappointment level: Realizing that accounting knows all your pertinent information.

do guys like pitiful guys? ummm…depends? Disappointment level: Hosting a pity party that no one else came to.

who is the street sharks mystery friend? His name is Kenny and he is highly contagious, so I would stop asking questions. Disappointment level: Finding what you think is  a shark’s tooth only to shockingly realize it’s your uncle’s incisor

glasses, little league. fiberglass, eyes. fish, desert. This is fun coming up with things that don’t go together. Phone calls, movie theaters. The Notebook, me. Disappointment level: Same as your SAT score.

starburst kiss myth. Oh yes, the myth that says that if you kiss a Starburst, it will turn into a diabetic prince. Disapointment level: Finding out you kissed Wilford Brimley.

See you tonight!

Where is my Birth Certificate?

March 4, 2010

The Mystery Hour is tomorrow night. Some of the guests have changed—->>>>

-Shawn Matthews owns Vintage Vice and is generally fascinating

-We will have the WORLD PREMIER of the greatest Cornbelt Chorus music video ever. You can’t see it anywhere else.

-Plus, the City of Springfield has actually asked for our help on something that we will do during the show. Intrigued yet?

For the last prompt I asked, “What is the last thing you wrote on your hand?

I will use Katie’s immediate random and funny answer:

“Right now the back of my hand says:
Shower gift
Tonight: plan Cali!
The palm of my hand says:
Reserve a racquetball court
Peanut butter
Where is my birth certificate?”

Katie, this makes your life seem really fascinating. I’m sure it all means a lot to you, but from this side it seems crazy–in a good way. Plus, you write on the palm of your hand? Interesting. You must not be too bad of a sweater. Is the back of your hand one category and the back another category? It seems like the back of your hand is exciting things and the palm is the fears.

I will do my best to try to guess what each of these things means to you, in your life, Katie. Here we go.

Shower gift-This can mean only one of two things. One,  you’re getting a gift for your shower, like a soft wash of the tub, a new head, or one of those homemade certificates for a free fifteen minute massage. Or, you and your shower are going in on a gift for someone else. You are going halfzies, getting someone flowers where you provide the flowers and the shower provides the water. Yep, the only two options.

Tonight: plan Cali! First, let me say, I’m glad you added the exclamation point even on your hand. My first thought was calisthenics, but that is not worthy of an exclamation point. My next guess is that you are going to California for the wedding of an old roommate and that is why you and the shower are going in on a gift together. You both miss her.

Reserve a racquetball court-This one is obvious. You are planning on playing basketball.

Peanut butter-Could somebody be a George Washington Carver fan? I think so. Tomorrow is the 67 year and two month exact anniversary of his death. Peanut loving people everywhere celebrate the day by gorging themselves on Jif. They spend the next day trying to wipe it off of their face.

Where is my birth certificate?-I don’t know, Katie Obama. Perhaps it’s time you showed everybody.

Next prompt: What is your favorite thing about the internet?

Continental Breakfast Sightings

March 1, 2010

Show is this Friday night—————————->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I just got back from my favorite weekend of the year, True/False film festival in Columbia, MO. It is one of the best, if not the best, documentary festivals out there. Incredible documentaries, they fly in directors and subjects from the films, and it’s cool standing in line and talking with people. You should go next year. I will save you a seat. My favorite was a film called Restrepo. When it is released, run to go see it.

For the last prompt I asked, “What will you do for your first activity on Saturday?”

I will use Jenn’s answer:

“Tomorrow I will wake up in a hotel that is a very nice hotel, but one that does not offer complimentary continental breakfast. How does a hotel get a three-star rating and 5.0 out of 5.0 costomer points on Expedia without a continental breakfast? It must have a killer in-room coffee pot. So besides the activity of waking up, I will make 4 cups of complimentary coffee in a really great little coffee pot.”

I would be remiss if I did not include her follow up as well:

“Edit to previous post: The first thing I really did this morning was answer the phone while I was still asleep. It was my mom, telling me that my 4-year-old, who I’d left with her overnight so I could enjoy the nice hotel, puked her guts out at 4:30 a.m. Rise and shine…time to go home early. No coffee from the incredible pot for me this morning.”

Sorry your wonderful hotel morning did not turn out the way you hoped. It’s another example of what my mom always told me, “You can never trust a 4 year old.” Your comments are ripe with inspiration for me, there’s puking, coffee, answering the phone while asleep, Expedia. I am going to choose the continental breakfast angle. According to the Wikipedia entry, the term continental breakfast originated in 1641 when the heads of states of various countries in Europe would convene quarterly to eat dry and cold food.

The experience of eating continental breakfast at a hotel is universal, no matter what city or what hotel you are staying at.

Here are the things you’ll see at a continental breakfast:

1. Oozing waffle irons. The hotels have figured out what a way to make you question the necessity of waffle chefs. Fill up a cup with batter, put it in the metal thing that looks like the inverse shape of what you want to eat, turn metal thing over and watch the clock go backwards while the batter flee out of the sides like Los Angelinos heading for the freeway in Independence Day.

2. Yogurt swimming in cold water. To be fair, the water was originally ice when it was put out at 5 a.m.

3. Retirees there for the day. They live only a few hours away and didn’t plan much of anything for the weekend getaway. They will often become the expert about one particular aspect of the continental breakfast because they’ve been there back when the water was ice. “Now, if I were you I’d put that bagel in the right toaster slot. If you put it in the left you’ll end up with a black bagel, and nobody wants that. Right Charlotte?” Charlotte cackles in agreement.

4. Bananas cut in half.

5. A teenager who can’t believe that she has to be on vacation with her family. She has her iPod on and is texting her boyfriend Nick, who misses her “like Edward misses Bella.”

6. Syrup on your elbow. You didn’t partake in the waffle, yet somehow, you get syrup on your elbow. It was from the table and it will be with you all day.

7. Cereal housed in containers from NASA. These are containers that aren’t seen anywhere else in the known world. They have an elaborate twisting and pulling mechanism similar to the International Space Station.

8. 10 year olds playing in a soccer tournament nearby. They remind you of when you used to try at life too.

9. Dale, the man in charge of the continental breakfast area. He tries really hard, but he spends most of his time cleaning up spills from the “think they’re better than you patrons that you have to treat like royalty, even though you’d like to shove a bagel up…”

10. Jeff Goldblum

Next prompt: What was the last thing you wrote on your hand?

Eleven Burritos and a Frosty

February 26, 2010

So, I just disappeared for a week. It’s difficult when you have a job. If my only job was keeping the basement clean enough for my mom to have a path to the laundry, I could be a prolific blogger. Tonight I will be in Columbia at the True/False Film Festival. It is just about my favorite thing ever, you should come. To all of the people looking to burgle me, I will have a house sitter who is an ex-con, martial arts instructor with pink eye.

For the last prompt I asked: Who was your first crush?

I will use Heather’s answer:

“Shaggy. And, no, he was not a pot smoker, so don’t even go there.”

Very interesting, Heather, especially considering that he was a cartoon. They say your first crush helps mold your idea of an ideal mate later in life. So, what you are searching for at this point is a two dimensional man in a van. That is coincidental that you mentioned Shaggy after I referenced Matthew Lillard in a post just last week, who played the real life Shaggy in the unforgettable live action Scooby Doo movies. The Matthew Lillard fan club has to be very excited right now.

I am jealous of Shaggy in the sense that he had a talking dog as a friend. I did actually watch Scooby Doo a lot as a child. I often wish my dogs could talk.

Here is a conversation I would like to have with my dog, Sammy.

Jeff: Hey, Sammy. How are you today? Have you been a good dog?

Sammy: Yeah, you know. I just laid around the house while you were gone, nothing too big.

Jeff: Good. Nothing else? I was gone a long time at work.

Sammy: Ha, well, yeah. I did watch some Tyra and a little bit of the Steve Wilkos show.

Jeff: I’ve heard of Tyra, and I’m appropriately ashamed of you, but what is the Steve Wilkos show?

Sammy: He used to be the head “security” guy on The Jerry Springer Show, now he has his own show.

Jeff: Why would he get a show? Why would anyone watch it?

Sammy: I don’t know. I’m not in charge of programming at the CW. It’s not very good though.

Jeff: So, nothing else…nothing at all?

Sammy: Nope, how was your day?

Jeff: It was pretty good. I got some work done. I worked out after work for awhile, I saw some funny videos online…

Sammy: Wow, cool. Any videos I might know about?

Jeff: Wait, you didn’t let me finish. I talked to my mom for awhile, and, oh yeah, I didn’t pee on any furniture. That’s about it.

Sammy: Well, good for you. Sounds like a full day.

Jeff: Did you catch the last one? I didn’t pee on any furniture.

Sammy: Yeah, I suppose that’s good. Your boss would have been mad.

Jeff: Yeah, I think any human would have been really mad.

Sammy: Yep.

Jeff: Sammy! You peed on the side of the couch and on the carpet below the couch!

Sammy: What?

Jeff: It wasn’t me! I was gone! Plus I would have had to be lying down to hit it at that angle! I don’t pee when I’m lying down Sammy!

Sammy: Jeff…

Jeff: Anymore!

Sammy: Okay, fine. I did it. What do you want me to say? I did it. I did it. What do you expect of me? You load me up on water day and night, you leave me in a confined space, you never taught me to use the toilet. You tell me what my options are.

Jeff: You can’t do it. It’s just unacceptable.

Sammy: Okay Mr. Big Man. Have you ever been in the situation where your driving on a trip and you just have to go, you really have to go, but you don’t know when the next exit is. You finally pull off and run to the bathroom only to find that it is locked, so you thought you were going get some relief only to find out that someone snuck in before you who had had eleven burritos and a frosty? Do you know that physical and mental agony? I think you know what I’m talking about. You been there?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Sammy: I haven’t. I can’t drive.

Jeff: So what’s your point?

Sammy: What’s your point?

Jeff: You can’t pee on the furniture.

Sammy: Then you have to get me a doggy door.

Jeff: Oh great, here we go again.

Sammy: You brought it up. All of the dogs I know have one. They can just go in and out as they please.

Jeff: They’re really expensive.

Sammy: More expensive than an upholstery cleaning bill?

Jeff: Maybe not.

Sammy: Good. It’s settled, get me a doggy door.

Jeff: Wait, I haven’t decided that.

Sammy (lifting his leg): You sure?

Jeff: That’s not fair

Sammy: Eh? eh? What do you think pretty boy?

Jeff: Alright, fine. Fine. I’ll get you a doggy door.

Sammy: Yes! Yes! Sammy’s gonna party, Sammy’s gonna party! Can I invite that yellow lab over?

Jeff: She’s twice your size.

Sammy: That’s how I like ‘em.

Jeff: Good. This will be solved once and for all by both of us coming together with a conversation. This is how it is supposed to work.

Sammy: Jeff. One more thing.

Jeff: Okay.

Sammy: I pooped in your Roo’s.

Next prompt: What will you do as your first activity on Saturday?

Get c$h—eap V((((i@gr’a

February 19, 2010

Hello my friends. I’m a little groggy today because I stayed up to watch the men’s free style figure skating. I think that they should shut the lights off for the figure skating and have the skaters just have LED lights all over their body. This would look very cool. The only problem would be that the skaters couldn’t see if it was dark, so you give them night vision goggles. This would make them look like flamboyant Robocops, which would be even cooler.

For the last prompt I asked: What is your second most annoying habit?

I didn’t get any answers, so I will use a spam comment that got caught by the spam filter, by somebody named Elgepq:

“Dm5Y7S uterqcowkepl, [url=http://xwhtkeodgbbu.com/]xwhtkeodgbbu[/url], [link=http://drjcpcisnkwg.com/]drjcpcisnkwg[/link], http://nfnnadeohqbn.com/“

I think that may have been written by a flamboyant Robocop skater. How do I respond to that? I’m too scared to click on the links for fear that I will get a virus and I don’t know what the combination letters means at any point in the comment.

Here is how I imagine the first meeting where a company decides that they are going to implement spamming in their business model.

Conference room in Modesto, CA

Boss: Thank you all for joining me here today, I know you’re really busy. Here’s the deal, our sales are down, and we just got a huge shipment of Viagra that’s burning a hole in the warehouse shelves. We need to come up with ideas.

Alexander: Where did they come from?

Boss: That’s not important, but if you must know, Mexico.

Alexander: But, boss, isn’t that illegal? We sell paper.

Boss: Wrong. We did sell paper, starting now we sell college diplomas on that paper. Oh, and yeah, Viagra too.

Ryan: Shouldn’t we go through the FDA?

Boss: We’re taking the company in a different direction.

Alexander: Really, what’s that?

Boss: You know how before we used to spend money on advertising, and promotion, sales force, customer service, and job training?

Alexander: Yeah, I’m one of those salespeople.

Boss: Not anymore. Now you’re a Bulk Electronic Media Specialist.

Alexander: What does that mean?

Boss: You know how you’ve always wanted to impact a lot of people’s lives? Now you’ll have the chance. You’ll meet millions of people a day. You’re a spammer now.

Alexander: So I’m going to be e-mailing all day? Why would strangers open an e-mail from me?

Boss: I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like it makes sense. You see, I went to DeVry and you didn’t so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. We’ll send it out to millions of people and we only need a few hundred to click on the e-mail.

Ryan: Yeah, but why would anybody click on it?

Boss: They’re bored. They’re bored with their lives and they wish they were something bigger, something more. They think that by clicking on an e-mail they’ll find the something more that they’ve been looking for.

Ryan: So we’ll just get crazy people?

Boss: Now you’re starting to understand. Crazy people buy Viagra from a paper company that got a surprise shipment of crates of blue tablets on their loading dock that through a not-soon-forgotten uncomfortable afternoon the boss concluded was not candy.

Alexander: Yeah, but won’t people have spam filters that weed out words like Viagra?

Boss: Dang it guys, you’re not capturing the vision. I’ve already thought of that. We never directly spell out Viagra. Instead of an e-mail that says, “Get Cheap Viagra!” It will say, Get c$h—eap V((((i@gr’a. Did you see that? Viagra is hidden in there! It’s brilliant! People will have a backpack full of Viagra on their doorstep before they know it.

Alexander: We’re shipping it to them in backpacks?

Boss: No. Ryan is delivering them in backpacks.

Ryan: What?

Boss: Yes. Remember last year we had the Backpacks for Kids program where people donated backpacks to go to needy children at the start of the school year? I kept them! I didn’t know why I was keeping them at the time, but sometimes the universe just smiles on one of your plans.

Alexander: Won’t people get ticked off at our e-mails?

Boss: Yes! They will be more angry than a geriatric at a bankrupt pudding factory.

Alexander: What?

Boss: Confusing, right? That’s the name of the game. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a business plan!

Next prompt: Who was your first crush?

Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day

February 18, 2010

Good morning party people.

I’ve got two things today. First is the Season 4 Intro Video for the Mystery Hour. It’s actually pretty cool, all credit goes to Nate Black for making it look so awesome.

Plus, here is an article I recently wrote for www.faircitynews.com that appeared Monday. Enjoy.

Highland Springs Sponsors ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day’

FairCityNews.com | Feb 16, 2010 | Comments 0

Taking daughter aged wives to work became popular in the 1920s

Springfield, MO—In an effort to inspire and educate the next generation of Springfieldians, Highland Springs Country Club is sponsoring a community-wide ‘Take Your Daughter Aged Wife to Work Day” on Thursday, February 25^th.  “We couldn’t be more excited about this upcoming day,” explains Highland Springs President Roger “Red” Anderson. “This will be a real opportunity for these young women to experience real work.”

The idea was the brainchild of a late night bull session ripe with cigars and brandy. “Bud was the first one who came up with the idea, and his wife is nearly two generations younger than him,” says member Fred Albatross. “We got to thinking that all of our wives do literally nothing all day, every day, and all of our wives are the same age as our daughters, why not show them what real life is like.”

The day will be nostalgic for banker Gerry Merryweather, “I can remember taking my oldest daughter to the bank with me nearly fifteen years ago. Now I have a chance to do it again with my wife. She’ll be giddy to see all that money.”

The wives are indeed looking forward to the day. “I can’t wait,” says Kimberley Albatross. “I think it will be like a real-life reality TV show. I don’t know most of the work words my husband uses when he comes home. What’s a slush fund?”

Anyone in the Springfield area are invited to join in the day, as long as they are at least 20 years older than their wife. Participants are encouraged to have their wives join them in routine tasks of the day. However, the Springfield Area Chamber of Commerce released a statement discouraging participants from allowing their daughter aged wives any real decision making power, “for the best interests of the community.”

Titles Found in the $.99 Movie Bin

February 17, 2010

Two days in a row? What is this, July ‘09? I’m like an Olympic snowboarder, even though I keep failing, I still keep trying for some reason.

Here’s another clip from the last show. This one involves Alec Jarvis, the funniest kid since Pee Wee Reese.

For the last prompt I asked: How did you celebrate President’s Day?

I will use Amanda’s answer:

“I went to the Blockbuster store that is closing on Independence (it’s where I had my first job, tear) and bought 9 DVDs for $55! That’s like $6 per DVD! Then I watched the Olympics. Snowboard cross is pretty sweet.”

There is nothing better than cheap DVD’s and there is nothing sadder than the movie rental store business. I don’t actually buy DVD’s that much because once I see a movie I want to move on and see something new. I have to wait like six months until I’m interested in a movie again, it’s analogous to my relationship with my dentist. What I do love, however, is the movies that you will see in a bin at Walgreen’s or Wal-Mart, or Walruses. Last one made up. They are either movies that went straight to video, or you kind of heard of them, or they involve a real movie star’s brother.

Here is a list of made up movies, and their storyline, you might find in a cheap movie bin:

Battle Scars

“One man’s journey from the killing fields, to the healing fields, of aloe.”

Emoticon

“The pre-quel to the blockbuster, Avatar. Jonny Idaho has to venture into an unknown world, the world of Yahoo chatrooms. Disguised only as a blushing smiley face, Jonny ends up having to choose between his mission and the sexy winking emoticon he meets while on the inside.”

Me+You=Meyou

“Cats in love, in precarious positions.”

I’m Falling in Love and I Can’t Stop

“The rollercoaster journey of a Prius owner.”

Oedipus Apartment Complex

“A Lifetime Orginal. A woman (Judith Light) falls in love with a younger man (Matthew Lillard) from her building, only to learn that the man is actually her son who had been kidnapped from a shopping mall fifteen years earlier. Horror and gratitude collide in such a way that by the end of the movie you will find yourself in a bathtub full of bleach and steel wool trying to clean the thoughts out of the inside of your head.”

Iceberg

“A classic frightening tale of a man against the elements. Chuck is a normal single man in his twenties, forced to confront the enormity of nature. Chuck is on a quest to find a restaurant that doesn’t just serve iceberg lettuce in their salads. Sure, the menu shows green leafy vegetables, but Chuck knows the conspiracy, and he’ll get to the bottom of it one crunchy piece of white lettuce at a time.”

Valkyrie 2: Look out Luke

Dwayne Cruise (Tom’s younger brother) reprises the role of Claus von Stauffenberg in this action thriller. This time Claus has his assasination scope set on Luke Wilson, of the AT&T commercials, where he has been ruthlessly murdering his own reputation. Will Claus get to him in time, or will Luke slice him first with a killer “Havin’ Fun in Sunny Tulsa” postcard.

Next prompt: What is your second most annoying habit?

I Taped it to My Cat, Mr. Filibuster

February 16, 2010

I’m back!!! I have fully recovered from organizing a 1,000 person blood drive at Missouri State University. There is a direct negative correlation between lives saved at my blood drives and blog postings. That’s all in the past, you forgive me, I forgive you. Don’t ask why you are forgiven, just be happy you are forgiven. As if you don’t know.

I’ve got three, count ‘em, three videos uploaded from the last show. Usually, that takes many months. Here is the latest What is G. Norm Saying?! It might be the best, especially because you can see the audience reaction. They go crazy for some G. Norm.

For the last prompt I asked: What is something memorable you have had stolen?

I will use Dan’s answer:

“In 2nd grade I had a shark tooth stolen from me when I brought it for show and tell one day. One minute it was sitting on my desk, and then when I went to the coat cubby to get my coat and backpack at the end of the day, I came back to find it gone…GONE!!

I went around looking for it on the ground all around my desk and on the way to and from the coat closet, but to no avail. I even asked some of those snot-nosed kids who called themselves my friends. They said they hadn’t seen it. That was when I realized they weren’t my friends, but simply my classmates.

That was a heavy day in Mrs. Pavuk’s 4th grade class.”

Dan, thanks for sharing. The Mystery Hour takes this very seriously, there will be grief counselors on hand. First off, how did you get a shark tooth? What follows is a series of diary entries from the main characters in the story.

Charles, The Shark

Tuesday, April 18, 1990

So I’m swimming around today minding my own business, looking at the tail going by. Darlene is looking hot, hot, hot. I think she’s been eating well. I had a fight with the old lady, so I was venturing around, anything to get out of the cove. The old lady is like, “Come back when you have something positive to provide for this family.” I’m heading into the harbor aways, when I see one of those TV cameras, with Discovery Channel on the side. This can me only one thing, Shark Week, or as we sharks like to say, “Reality TV.” I decide I’ll get on camera by eating someone., show the old lady I have some worth. I zero in on a gelatinous thigh. The victim struggles, and next thing I know it got away. I move my tongue around my mouth, and sure enough 2,999 teeth.

Dan

Thursday, October 11, 1992

I got a shark tooth. It’s from a real shark. Like the kind in the water. My mom says she got it from a tourist store in Ft. Lauderdale, but I’m pretty sure she got it from a pirate. I wonder if I can eat with it.

Saturday, October 13, 1992

Experiment failed, duct tape does not stick to roof of mouth or gums. Tongue has been punctured.

Thursday, October 25, 1992

It’s show and tell tomorrow, you know what that means. That’s right, the whole class will marvel at my shark tooth, most of all Tracy. They’ll probably give me a cool nickname like, Sea Carnivore. Still can’t eaty citrusy or salty foods without pain.

Friday, October 26, 1992

Disaster! My shark tooth is gone! One minute it was sitting on my desk, and then when I went to the coat cubby to get my coat and backpack at the end of the day, I came back to find it gone…GONE!! I looked everywhere, from my desk to my cubby, from my cubby to my desk, inside my backpack, outside my backpack. I found a fingernail, that’s it. Whoever stole this will rue the day! They will rue it! It will be rued! I will never forget this. I bet it was Marcus “The Dorkus” Newman. He’s been missing a front tooth for a year, and rumors are that it won’t grow back because he eats Pixie sticks and Sugar Daddies for breakfast.

Marcus “The Dorkus” Newman

Friday, October 26, 1992

It wasn’t me.

Tracy

Friday, October 26, 1992

I totally came home from school today and brushed my hair.

Saturday, October 27, 1992

Oh yeah, yesterday, right after recess, I was minding my own business when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, on the floor, in Dan’s backpack, under a napkin. When no one was looking, I took it. It wasn’t because I needed it or anything, I think I just have issues. I grabbed it and put it in my backpack, under a napkin. Meanwhile, Dan is looking everywhere shouting, “My tooth! My tooth! Where is my tooth?! I was supposed to be Sea Carnivore!” Or something like that. It was pitiful. It seems like something he’ll remember like 15 years later and still be upset. He is just a classmate, not a friend. I took the tooth home and I taped it to my cat, Mr. Filibuster, so that he could be a saber toothed tiger. It’s awesome, Mr. Filibuster hates it. I made my sister dress up like a caveman and chase him with a baseball bat. My mom is taking me to see a psychologist next week.

Mr. Filibuster

Saturday, October 27, 1992

What the f*&@, man?

Mrs. Pavuk

Saturday, October 27, 1992

That was a heavy day.

Next prompt: How did you celebrate President’s Day?

New VisionCon Video!

February 8, 2010

I swear that I will do the old thing of responding to your comments, but it won’t be this week. Here is a highlight from Friday’s show, which was really fun by the way. It’s a video of my trip to VisionCon, Springfield’s premier sci-fi convention. We did it last year and it was a crowd favorite, so we did it again this year.

Enjoy.

Ridiculous Search Terms and Tonight’s Show Info!

February 5, 2010

The Mystery Hour is tonight! Believe it. I did attend VisionCon again this year, there may be a video. Plus, a crowd favorite, that will remain a mystery. You need to come to see it. Plus these guests——>>>>>>>

Here’s a blast from the past video:

Plus, here it is, as I do every month on the day of The Mystery Hour, it’s Ridiculous Search Terms. As always, these are real search terms that brought people to this website. Why? I have no idea.

mystery mesh hat. Mesh hats are probably the most mysterious of all the hats. Disappointment level upon arriving at this website: Busted pegs on the adjustable strap.

teddy fendergrass’ real name? Teddy Pendergrass. Disappointment level: Oh great, I got a Google search, ‘Did you actually mean…’

“ripped his pants”. That’s what happens when you walk around wit’ your pants on the ground, pants on the ground. Disappointment level: Looking like a fool.

buckle down and work “cartoon” I can’t, my fingers are tired. Dad, I can’t do it. My fingers are bleeding. Stop it Dad, I don’t want to be a cartoonist -Billy Keane. Disappointment level: PJ’s future job prospects.

jeff houghton pizza I’ll admit, that one was me. I was hungry. Disappointment level: Calling to order pizza and finding out you’re not in their delivery territory, so you have to call like three other locations.

beaner beard rash I hope that clears up for you. Maybe you should stop exfolliating with pintos. Disappointment level: Having to explain it to your doctor.

guy wearing a hood Stop searching and run! You can never trust a guy wearing a hood. When has that ever been a good thing? Boy, honey, we seem to be lost in the Bronx, perhaps I’ll ask this friendly gentleman in a hood. Disappointment level: Someone pulling the strings really hard while you’re wearing a hood.

{searchterms} What? Why would you search for search terms? What could the situation possibly be to warrant looking up search terms? That’s like using Google to search, “Google”. It’s like going into a Dillard’s and asking if they have any Dillard’s. Disappointment level: Having to look yourself in the mirror.

See you tonight!