**The next Mystery Hour is this Friday night at 10:15! It’s the Season 3 finale, don’t miss it! The guests are listed next to this in the red.

Editor’s Note: G. Norm is Jeff’s grandmother, Grandma Norma. She appears periodically on the show and on the blog. She may or may not have actually typed this. Forensic evidence is inconclusive.

When I was a child on the farm in Winfield, our mattresses used to be made of piled high straw. It really was neat. Each night that we laid our little heads down to rest and have happy dreams, the bed would get a little bit thinner. Then by the time it got too thin we would just stuff it with more straw and begin all over again. Oh Heavens! It was wonderful.gnorm smile copy

Today I don’t want to talk about straw that you sleep on. I want to talk about strawberry shortcake that you eat when you wake up from sleeping. My family has eaten the same strawberry shortcake recipe for four generations. Is it good? You betcha! You just betcha. 

 It was my great grandfather Morris that first came up with the recipe. When people would complain that his shortcake was better than everyone in the county, he would say, “don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” Oh merciful days! You wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of G. Mor. In fact, his wife, my great grandmother, Euclid, used to make the best homemade milkshakes. She would always tell ole Morris that her milkshakes were superior to his shortcake. She would say, “My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard. They’re like, ‘I’m better than your (strawberry shortcake).'”

Anway, back to the strawberry shortcake. As my friends at the Manhattan Project would say about the recipe, “it’s the bomb.” G. Mor was out with the horses working on the back section of the soybean crop near the creek that year when they came across a patch of wild strawberries like he had never seen. Oh my stars, ole Salmonella and Chastity Belt were spooked! Yet, G. Mor knew he had come up on something special. He exclaimed, “I got 99 problems, but a (strawberry) patch ain’t one!” So he harvested that strawberry patch later that year. 

Then, with G. Euc’s shortcake recipe they had themselves a hit. Oh merciful days! They took the recipe to all of the phattest, dopest, illest county fairs in the southern end of the state. You just betcha, they won a blue ribbon at each fair. The recipe was always a family secret. Until now. I’m not sure how this whole internet whatzimajig works, but I imagine only a few people can see this. If the same number of people who come to the Mystery Hour come to read this blog, then I think the recipe is just fine and dandy.

Here is my family recipe for Strawberry Shortcake. Or was we call it, Strawbeezee Shortceezie

Ingredients:

  • 1 quart fresh strawberries, rinsed and hulled
  • 1 hump sugar, one hump, one hump, one hump, one hump
  • vanilla ice cream
  • 2 cups flour
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • 1/3 cup shortening
  • 1 cup milk
  • 1 cup brass monkey

Preparation:

Slice strawberries; sprinkle with sugar and let stand. Heat oven to 450°. Drop it like it’s hot. Grease an 8-inch round layer-cake pan. In a mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, salt, and sugar. Cut in shortening with pastry blender or 2 forks until crumbly. Stir in milk until just blended. Pat dough into prepared pan; bake 15 minutes or until golden brown. If not done in 15 minutes, back that thang up and put it in for a few more. Split horizontally and fill with berries; top with small scoops of ice cream when served. Strawberry shortcake serves 6. Or 8 shawties. Next thing you know, you’ve brought sexy back.

I’m in my glory! Holla!

G. Norm

Next prompt: What is something bigger than your bedroom?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. winnies33 says:

    you betcha!

  2. Leah says:

    Ooo I enjoyed this one.

    My house is bigger than my room.

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