Party people! This is the place to be! I may have started another post similarly.  If I can’t remember, that means I’ve done a few of them. I must say I’m happy with my output so far. Ordinarily, I have the stick-to-it-iveness of the front of a post it note. Yet, here I am weeks later still posting. This is not to say that they are all quality, that is certainly not the case. Yet, they all exist…so there you go.

For my last prompt I asked: What is something that you can’t live without?

There were a lot of good responses, and there may have been a record for number of comments, although one was to correct a previous comment. Here at The Mystery Hour we believe that close is good enough!

I chose Art Vandelay’s answer, even though I’m still not convinced that Art is his real name:


“OK,OK, I relent. I started a blog at I hate to be that guy who plugs his website on other peoples’ comments pages, but what’s done is done. Oh, and the item I can’t leave without is my “According to Jim” Season 3 DVD set (collector’s edition).”


Art, I believe, is my good friend Jesse. He is an incredibly funny writer so you should check out his new blog. I met Jesse in sixth grade when my mom made me go introduce myself to the new kid in the neighborhood. I can still remember knocking on the screen door.

Jeff: “Hey, my mom told me to come here.”

Jesse: “_____”

Jeff: “Do you wanna play?”

Jesse: “What are you gonna play?”

Jeff: “I dunno.”

Jesse: “Okay”

That’s how you make a friendship in sixth grade. I would actually conjecture that making friends as an adult is infinitely more awkward. Now it involves barbecues and group outings and making jokes about how women are so different and crawl spaces and Communism.

Anyway, onto what was actually suggested, According to Jim is one of my least favorite shows ever. It actually fits into a special category of Shows that I Hate that I Watch as Often as I Can Because I Can’t Believe They’re on TV. My wife doesn’t understand it either. There are some that are so bad that I just can’t wait to see what is going to happen next so I can be further and further appalled.

Here’s my current list of shows in that category:

According to Jim

I Love New York

The Wiggles

Two and a Half Men

Daisy of Love

I guess just all of VH1’s lineup

Here is an According to Jim script that I’m making up right now.

Jim walks in the front door

Jim: “Honey I’m home.”

Cheryl (too hot for him): “Good! We need the toilet fixed and the kids need help with their homework, and my mother is coming over!”

Jim: “Well, how’s that for a welcome home o’ Love of my Life”

Jim: “I’m working like a dog to put food on the table for you.”

Cheryl: “Oh, that reminds me, the dog needs food.”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim feeds the dog and looks down at him

Jim: “That actually looks good compared to Cheryl’s cooking.”

(uproarious laughter)

(dog walks away)

Jim: “What happened to man’s best friend?”

(Uproarious laughter)

Next morning is a Saturday. Jim is talking to his friend, and Cheryl’s brother, Andy, in the backyard.

Jim: “I’ve got to figure out a way to get out of the house while the Mother in Lochness Monster is here!”

Andy: “Hey, that’s my mom too!”

Jim: “Oh yeah. What was it like growing up in Scotland?”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “Maybe I can pretend like I’m sick.”

Andy: “No. You did that last time.”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “What if I say that I got called away to a meeting. Yeah, a meeting in Cleveland.”

Andy: “Yeah, but then you’d have to go to Cleveland.”

Jim: “No, you idiot. I’m just saying I have to go to Cleveland.”

(uproarious laughter)

Andy: “Oh, that’s too bad. I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “What if I…”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “act…”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “sick…”

(uproarious laughter)

Jim: “and say I have to see a certain doctor in Cleveland.”

Andy: “That could work. What would you say you have?”

Jim: “I don’t know. I have Paleontosis. Yeah, that’s it. My bones are too old.”

Andy: “I believe that’s called osteoporosis.”

(dead silence)

Jim: “Fine. I have osteo-whats-it-tosis.”

(murderous rage)

Eventually Jim and Andy scheme and come up with a plot to get out of the house for the weekend. Cheryl gets wind of the plan but decides to play along for awhile until eventually she busts them as they’re golfing. It’s really funny, it involves Cheryl asking them where they are and Jim pretending like he’s sick and coughing. Only when he coughs he messes up Andy’s swing real bad. You should have seen his face. Finally, Jim apologizes to Cheryl, one of the kids makes a sassy comment, and the show is mercifully done.

TV gold. Scratch that. TV silver. Scratch that. TV burnt sienna.

Next prompt: “What would your name had been if you were the opposite sex?”

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Tiffany says:

    My name, if I’d been a boy, would’ve been Brandon. The awkward part about that is that my (now ex) husband’s name is Brandon. Talk about weird.

  2. Editor Matt says:

    If a girl, my name would have been Pamela. And I’m pretty sure I would go by Pamela, too, not Pam. And I would be a spinster or a pro golfer.

  3. Jenn Rogers says:

    Hmmm, second blog entry in a row where you point out the oppression your mother placed you under. It’s nice that you were still obeying her, even at the sixth-grade level…unheard of these days!

    Now I have no personal answer to your prompt, but I recall a period of time when you may have referred to your littlest brother as Cynthia. Was that to be his name, should he have been a girl?

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