Aaah, how ’bout that weekend? Whenever people ask me at work, “How was your weekend?” I don’t know how to respond. “Good,” is how I usually respond. Even worse than that is when people say, “So, how’s married life?” There are two options for that question.yakov_jeffoutside

1.” Great. Ha.  You know…”

2. “Thanks for asking, Acquaintance. Actually…you got a minute? I didn’t realize it was going to be this much work. I don’t feel like she understands my needs, we don’t communicate very well, and it turns out she only married me to get a green card. What do you think I should do? I’m glad you asked.”

Speaking of questions, for the last prompt I asked: “What is a bad excuse for being late to work?”

I will use Brian’s answer:


“‘The bus was late.’

Works even less if you are a school teacher.”


Thanks for the post, Brian. The bus. I generally love public transportation. You’re sitting next to people you don’t know, but you have one thing in common, you’re riding the same transportation. I like subways. Everyone is sitting and standing together in awkward positions, confined by the size of the space, trying not to stare at each other. It’s like Christmas with the extended family. I don’t generally like buses though. Buses lead to motion sickness for me.

Here is a listing of the type of bus rides I have been on:

1. School bus. I was always jealous of kids in movies and TV shows who got to ride to school on a bus. I would only ride on them on field trips. Because of my lack of school bus savvy, I would always end up sitting on the seat over the wheel with my knees up around my ears. I could also never get the windows down. Uggghhh. I get frustrated thinking about it.

2. Greyhound Bus. No one is happy to be there. I have ridden a Greyhound from NYC to Boston and from Kansas City to Springfield. You get the feeling on a Greyhound that you are a mishmash of unwanted Happy Meal toys stuffed in a tin box, hidden in a desk, that is on fire, and filled with underwear sweat. I feel like people should ride on an extended trip on a Greyhound at some point in their life, just to make them appreciate their lives a little more.

3. City bus. These can be okay. They have a high motion sickness probability because of all the stopping you have to do. There is usually a woman aboard who is working three jobs to help her kids. She sits with dignity. There’s a guy named Peter who is looking for a job, dressed in a nice thrift store suit. He sits nervously. There is usually a bizarre guy who keeps his fingernail clippings in a bag next to him and mumbles about the Mayan calendar and 2012. If you pressed him he might admit that he thinks that if the robots and the squirrels ever got together they could take over the world. He sits standing. Then there is the bus driver who apparently won a bus driving competition in 2002 according to the lettering on the side of the bus. He sits triumphantly.

4. Kneeling bus. What the crap does that mean?

5. Charter bus. This is similar to a Greyhound, but pretends to be better. These have the upholstery that feels like it might be made out of steel wool and fiberglass carpeting. I rode these from New Jersey into Manhattan everyday for several months. I would often fall asleep listening to my discman and miss my stop on the way back to the city. Sometimes I did it at like 3 in the morning and I had to walk back to my apartment through all kinds of sketchiness. My brothers made up for it when they visited though. Scott, puked on the bus from motion sickness in the aisle. They watched in horror as people would step in it on the way out. Yes, that is why they smell like that.

6. Buscar. Spanish for “to look for.”

Next prompt: What movie character would you want to be friends with in real life?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Having heard this monologue, I am ready to start the first scene… Love it!

  2. Jason says:

    A movie character in real life? Well, I could cheat and say Andy Kaufman because they DID make a movie about him but I’ll settle for a real fictional character in Jay Gatsby.

  3. Jenn Rogers says:

    Our family agreed that anyone would want to be friends with Nacho Libre. He is brave, he has the best interest of orphans in mind, he can sing, he prefers to cook with fresh ingredients, he has a nice accent, and who wouldn’t want a ride on his motorcycle-cart? And being a friend of Nacho’s would most certainly lead to a friendship with Skeleto, which would be wonderful as well.

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