I’m back from Denver. Look out! If you haven’t had the chance to vote for this blog for the Hot Hilarious Blogger for GO Magazine, you should do it here.

I just had Godfather’s buffet for lunch. Yummy. I’m thankful that God decided that two already amazing things could be combined. Of course I’m talking about dessert and pizza. Dessert pizza, for when your tongue and your arteries don’t communicate with each other.poor_pluto_1600x900

For the last prompt I asked, “What fact you learned in elementary school has stuck with you?”

I had a lot of great answers. Good gross answer Heather.

Ultimately, I chose Leah’s answer:

 

“My family and I would make up soap opera about our fellow passengers. It got pretty heated.

I like the line dancing one and will probably try it if I can get someone to play along.

The fact that Pluto is a planet has always stuck with me and always will. Because it is. A planet. I don’t care what science says.”

 

Of course everyone knows the plight of Pluto, moving from a planet to a dwarf planet. It was sad for everyone involved.

This is what I imagine happening when Pluto accidentally walks into the old hangout that all the planets always gather in during the day. The bar is called Black Hole in the Wall. The planets are sitting around a table.

Saturn: So then I said, ‘Oh yeah? Maybe I’ll wax your moon! You should have seen the look on his face!

Mercury: Ha! Good one. You always have the best stories!

Saturn: Did I ever tell you the one about the nova strutting around like he thought he was a supernova?

Uranus: Yes! Yes you did! But tell it again you gaseous ball!

(Earth laughs along followed by a torrent of coughs)

(Pluto sheepishly walks in the door)

Venus (whispering to the others): Well, well, well, look at what the celestial sphere dragged in

(Pluto stands near the door and pretends to get a phone call)

Pluto: Yeah! No way man. You guys are so crazy. I can’t keep up with you.

Saturn: Yo Pluto! Who you talking to?

Pluto (looking surprised): Oh me? I’m just talking to some of my dwarf planet friends. They want to get drunk and play laser tag. Like I said. I don’t know if you heard me or not, but they’re so crazy.

Saturn: Oh yeah?

Pluto: Yeah. I can’t keep up with them. I love it.

Saturn: Yeah, well, your phone was off the whole time.

Pluto: What? Oh.

Venus: Don’t be such a jerk Saturn!

Saturn: Oh yeah, because you guys used to date you feel like you have to protect him.

Pluto: Shut up man. I can defend myself.

Saturn: How come it took you so long to get over here? You walked all the way around the bar to get to our table. Nice irregular orbit there, pal.

Pluto: Yeah, well I just wanted to tell you guys that things are going pretty well for me. I have real friends. Friends who listen. You know the other day, one of the other guys asked me how I was doing. You know what? He meant it. Like he really meant it. He said it and then he waited and listened to my response.

Saturn: We listen to each other, right Jupiter?

Jupiter: What?

(laughter erupts from the planets followed by Earth hacking up phlegm)

Pluto: Guys, you don’t get it. You don’t have to be in your stupid club to feel good about yourself. I feel better about myself more now, than I ever did when I was in your stupid club. Look, we all circle the same Sun, so lay off.

Earth (pulling a drag on his stoagie and popping some Valium) : Yeah, but some are closer than others.

Venus: Guys, seriously. Mercury, Mars, Uranus. Who was it that circled lookout for you during the asteroid attack of 3,789, 428? It was Pluto. He was happy to do it.

Saturn: So?

Venus: And you Saturn. You know he always looked up to you. Everytime your orbits circled near each other you saw him trying to grow rings like yours.

Saturn: Yeah, you’re right. Maybe I’ve been too hard on the little guy. I have a problem making fun of planets that are different from me, that don’t look the same. I suppose I got it from my parents, Hydrogen and Helium. I feel horrible. Hey, how ’bout it Pluto. Sorry?

Pluto: No. I don’t need your acceptance anymore. I’m just fine in who I am. I like me. I’m really happy with me. If you can’t love yourself first you can’t love anyone else. See ya guys. I’ll wave on my next orbit. Anyone want to leave with me? Nep?

(Neptune looks up from Golden Tee)

Neptune: But I’m too big and gassy.

Pluto: No you’re not buddy. Everyone’s accepted where we’re going.

(Pluto leaves while Saturn looks down at his drink and Earth suffers a massive heart attack)

Next prompt: What longest you’ve ridden in a car and when?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. Allan says:

    This might have been my favorite post yet. Though there might be some celestial consequences for keeping Mars a silent observer (he is named after a god of war after all).

    Anyways, at the end of my freshman year of college I was so anxious to get home that I embarked upon a marathon road trip. I drove for eleven hours from Springfield to Al·bu·quer·que (dashes included to help you sound it out in your head), slept for five hours and then drove the final twelve hours into the High Desert of California (named for its elevation and not for any association with drug induced stupors). I kept myself awake with only the purest forms of artificial energy: Swedish Fish and Red Bull. That’s right, I didn’t stop for meals (only for gas every three to four hours). I purchased two four packs of Red Bull and two single pound bags of Swedish fish (one can every three hours and a hand full of fish-shaped sugary goodness every thirty minutes).
    The combined effects of the sugar and mystical taurine made time fly by as I participated in the controversial practice of solo car karaoke. I made it home just in time to surprise my mom for mother’s day at a local family owned Mexican Restaurant.

  2. Actually, “science” does NOT say that Pluto is not a planet. Four percent of the International Astronomical Union, most of whom are not planetary scientists, say this. Their 2006 decision was immediately rejected by hundreds of other professional astronomers in a formal petition led by Dr. Alan Stern, Principal Investigator of NASA’s New Horizons mission to Pluto.

    Stern and like-minded scientists favor a broader planet definition that includes any non-self-luminous spheroidal body in orbit around a star. The spherical part is important because objects become spherical when they attain a state known as hydrostatic equilibrium, meaning they are large enough for their own gravity to pull them into a round shape. This is a characteristic of planets and not of shapeless asteroids and Kuiper Belt Objects. Pluto meets this criterion and is therefore a planet.

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