I did not post on Friday. My apologies once again to my fan. Instead, I decided it would be best to celebrate “Get Ravaged by Poison Ivy While Trimming the Bushes Day.” I celebrated in fine form. One visit to the doctor’s office later and the celebration should be winding down soon hopefully. My cheekbone and eyelid may continue to swell rendering typing impossible so I may have to cut short this post.

A new round of voting has begun for the GO Magazine Hot List. This blog is up for Hot Hilarious Blogger. You can vote here! Even the women! Exercise your right to vote online and pay tribute to the sacrifices made for your online voting suffrage.

For the last prompt I asked: What is something that would be useless to you on a deserted island?

I will use Allan’s answer:


“evacuation procedures for the international space station.”


This is what I love about the readers of this blog. Very creative.  I think that would, indeed, be very useless to you on a deserted island. Although, I wouldn’t put it past the writers of LOST working that in somehow. I don’t have too much experience with space. I get motion sickness too easily. The evacuation of my lunch through my mouth hole is an easy procedure to follow in that situation. I guess that is a pretty obvious situation that I don’t have experience with space, there are very few who do.

Here is a list of situations I have gotten motion sickness:

1. Riding in the car. Most people who are driving, upon hearing that I’m feeling sick will use the opportunity to swerve and giggle. Eeeww. I hate that. It makes me not want to be your friend, or to choose to vomit on you.

2. Moving playground equipment. This includes swings and spinny things. I can be on a swing for one go at it and will feel sick.

3. Thinking about the Earth moving. Stopped doing that in ’98.

4. Watching a ceiling fan. This is something that is tempting, but should be avoided at all costs.

5. Reading while driving. I always seem to think that I’m going to get past this one. This one occurs with the most frequency. My approach to it is the same as my approach to grapefruit juice. I always think, “Surely it isn’t that bad.” Then I try it and it’s surprisingly bitter. Juice is my favorite thing out there, don’t mess with it, Grapefruit.

Here is my imagined conversation with Grapefruit if we should meet:

Jeff is walking down a lovely suburban street with with the sun shining, nice houses and all the tree lined goodness you could hope for. He is walking for exercise wearing sweatbands, short shorts, long socks and a runner’s tank top. His hips swivel left and right as he propels forward. Grapefruit turns the corner and is walking towards him. He is wearing white high tops and black jeans and a cut off t-shirt that says, “I Suck”. The two approach each other.

Grapefruit: Well, well, well. Look at what we have here. If it isn’t the fruit loving bigot.

Jeff: Excuse me, you oversized bitter orange.

Grapefruit: So let me get this straight. You love all fruit, except me. What gives Houghton?

Jeff: Nothing gives. I just like some things better than others.

Grapefruit: Maybe you’d like my foot in your a…

Jeff: I’d like to see you try.

They begin to circle each other.

Jeff: You know I haven’t tried you since 1997!

Grapefruit: You lie. You try me every chance you get.

Jeff: Yeah, well I regret it everytime. How dare you even call yourself a fruit. You aren’t sweet. You ruin fruit medleys. At best you’re a low level fruit anyway. They don’t put the good stuff in with the medleys.

Grapefruit: Shut up man.

Jeff: Tell me, what’s it like sharing a bowl with honeydew melon and canteloupe?

Grapefruit: Why you gotta go there? They aren’t my friends.

Jeff: Yet, it seems as though you’re always hanging out with them. Huh. You know what I call that? Friendship.

Grapefruit: Yeah? What are you going to do? You just going to eat pineapples and raspberries?

Jeff: Yeah. I think I’d like that.

Grapefruit: I’ve got news for you, pal. The p in raspberry is useless. Like you.

Jeff: At least I didn’t steal the name of one of the best fruits. You, my friend are no grape. And you know what? Grape-fruit is redundant. It’s like me being called Jeffhuman. It’s a name followed by a category. Only in this example it would be like a dog being called Jeffhuman, because he is neither Jeff nor human. It’s an analogy of the redundancy of your name. You see in my example…

Grapefruit. I got it you idiot. You don’t need to over explain.

Jeff: You know, Tomato is out there wishing, just wishing more people would recognize him as a fruit and here you are taking his place.

Grapefruit: Screw tomato.

Jeff: He is out there everyday putting his butt on the line trying to get all the information he can about vegetables to bring back to the other fruits trying to protect their way of life. You think he likes being in salads?

Grapefruit: What?

Jeff: He’s the one who gives you the freedom to be bitter. He gives you the freedom to require a special serrated spoon to eat you with. He gives you the freedom to wake up every morning and thank God that it’s not just _____ and vegetables on the pyramid. You don’t even know he’s out there.

Grapefruit: I’m the personification of an imaginary grapefruit and I think this is weird.

Jeff: Yeah, well deal with it.

Grapefruit: I don’t deserve this Houghton. I’m going to go blog about this encounter.

Jeff: Not if I do it first.

Next prompt: What is the worst birthday present you have ever gotten somebody?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Editor Matt says:

    A Ryne Sandberg Starting Lineup action figure.

  2. Jesse says:

    Color Me Badd tape for my sister. Not a terrible gift back in ’92, but one that gets worse in retrospect with each passing year.

  3. derek says:

    I got my dad one of those Budweiser logo swimsuit girl 4’x6′ poster for the basement. He’s a former alcoholic. I’m learning that he had a lot of patience and understanding for me. I still don’t know what I was thinking.

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