It’s Friday. You know what to do. Pretend like you’re working. I got in late from an improv show last night, so let’s see what comes out of the old noggin today. Don’t forget to vote for the GO Magazine Hot Hilarious Blogger. Vote herr. That was a typo, but then I figured it looked like Nelly said it. The ‘hot’ in the title does not refer to looks (obviously enough), it refers to their Hot List they do every year. If it was based on looks I would not stand a chance against Matt “Helen of Troy” Lemmon. lemmon

For my last prompt I asked: What was the name of your favorite stuffed animal or doll growing up?

Strangely, I will use Matt’s suggestion:

 

“Had a habit of naming my stuffed animals after the people who gave them to me. Uncle Myron Elephant, Barbara Bear, so forth. But my very favorite was a stuffed dog apparently from France because the tag said Le Mutt. So I named him Lee Mutt. Once I ripped half his nose off.”

 

A couple of thoughts here. One, the ripping half of his nose off reminds me of nose rings. The nose rings that are just studs are cool with me, but the ones that are rings make me a little squeamish. To me, there would be too high of a probability that  that something would snag on it and rip half of my nose off. The chances are actually slim, but I do all I can to protect the structural integrity of my nose. If I was in a fight with a guy with a nose ring the first thing I do is go for the nose ring, then the hood. Why is it that 90% of the time you see a fight there is a pitiful guy wearing a hood getting the crap beat out of him?

I have never been in a fistfight. This makes me happy, but at the same time leaves me somehow unsatisfied. I don’t think I would like the experience of it, but I would like to say that I’ve been in one. I hate seeing fights though. The sounds are so much more real and blunt than in the movies. I always want to step in cautiously and say, “Hey guys, guys. Come on. I’m sure you have some things in common. In fact, you probably have more in common than you think. Let’s talk for a second. Hey, Jeremy, what are some of your hobbies?” Soon, they’d be sharing stories.

I’ve decided that the only thing worth getting into a fist fight over would be to protect my wife. So, here is my imagined scenario of my first fist fight.

 

Jeff and Michelle are walking down an alley in downtown Springfield. They’ve just seen the movie, Up, and are feeling pretty good about things. Jeff accidentally bumps a guy walking down the alley. The guy spins around.

Dude: “Hey, what’s up man?”

Jeff: “Oh, nothing. We just saw Up. I cried a little.”

Dude: “No, man, why you run into me?”

At this point, Dude starts to stare at Jeff and holds his arms out while strutting in a semicircle.

Jeff: “Oh, sorry. I guess we were still talking about Up. It was delightful. At treat for the whole family.”

Dude: “Watch yourself man.”

Jeff: “Okay”

Dude: “Oh, what do we have here? Who is this fine piece of …”

Dude starts to walk toward Michelle.

Jeff: “Hey, lay off dude.”

Dude: “How’d you know my name?”

Dude grabs Michelle and tries to kiss her

Jeff: “Hey you, get your damn hands off of her.”

Dude: “Was that a Back to the Future reference? Heavy.”

Jeff: “Seriously man.”

Jeff shoves Dude and grabs Michelle moving her behind himself

Dude pushes back

Jeff pushes Dude

Dude pushes back

Jeff: “I’m warning you, if we are going to throw down here like we think we are, then you should know that I’ve broken my wrist twice and my pinky once and had a couple of stress fractures in my leg, plus I have asthma. I’ve overcome a lot in my life. You don’t scare me.”

Jeff is actually really scared right now and is considering running the other direction because he is sure he can outrun Dude. He’s not sure Michelle can so he has to stay put.

Dude: “Yeah, well I punched a guy in the uvula once when he was yawning.”

Jeff realizes that he is outmatched and is thinking about the money and time he put toward braces. His new smile cannot be hurt. This motivates him almost as much as Michelle.

Michelle: “Jeff, don’t do it! It’s not worth it! Let’s just go! Remember your bad shoulder!”

Michelle is somehow now dressed in 1950’s clothes.

Jeff: “I have to do it for your honor! Please don’t yell out my weaknesses to my opponent.”

Michelle: “Oh, sorry. I’m just worried because your left side is weaker than your right.”

Jeff: “Sssshhh.”

Dude leaps at Jeff and grabs Jeff’s hood over his head. Jeff swings wildly in all directions. The key to street fighting is who can go the craziest. Jeff gets one good satisfying punch in to the face of Dude, but Dude is clearly winning. As they fall to the ground Jeff manages to separate himself.

Jeff: “I warned you man.”

Jeff begins removing his hooded sweatshirt followed by his tshirt. He unbuckles his belt and pulls his pants off, followed by his underwear. He is left standing in the alley in Crocs and black dress socks, otherwise completely naked.

Dude looks at the 31 year old pale man standing naked in the alley and runs the other direction.

No one wants to fight a naked man.

 

Jeff puts his arm around Michelle and the two walk off down the alley leaving the tattered clothes behind.

Michelle: “You’re my hero.”

Next prompt: If you could could create one superpower for yourself, what would it be?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

6 responses »

  1. Steve says:

    Thanks for the very disturbing imagery. If I had one superpower, it would be to go back in time and warn myself about reading The Mystery Hour blog on July 24th, 2009.

  2. Michelle says:

    you’re my hero.

    I would be able to not get hurt like Claire does in Heros. Way cool. She can’t die. She’s been shot, dropped from giant buildings, etc. Its either that or I would be able to make people happy and calm when I want to like one of the Cullen brothers in Twilight. It would help my counseling skilllz!

  3. habitgirl says:

    Pudding fingers. As in can-shoot-pudding-out-of-my-fingers. NOT pudding-instead-of-fingers. That way I could fight crime, AND bring joy to all the world’s tonsilectomy patients (all who aren’t lactose intolerant anyway). I’d really rather have Diet Coke fingers, but I’m doing my best to think of others lately. -Heather

  4. Andy S. says:

    I would want the super power of the ability to create time. I’d add in an hour here or there to call friends and family, watch movies, and sleep among other things.

  5. allan says:

    i saw bill keane yesterday. thought of you. my superpower is being able to gloat extremely well. ha ha ha. you should have been there.

  6. sara says:

    I just wanted to let you know I voted for you, you are one step closer to fulfilling your childhood dream of dominating the hilarious blogs of springfield mo…….your dad will be so proud
    (plus i felt bad you only had a pity post last time so I wanted to make sure you knew you are loved)

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