Today is the last day to vote for the Hot Hilarious Blogger for GO Magazine. It is also, more excitingly, the last day I will remind you of it. Vote here. If you like happy things vote for me. If you like sad things vote for the other guy. If you like puppies and rainbows vote for me. If you like rabid old dogs and monsoons vote for the other guy.

For the last prompt I asked: If you could create one superpower for yourself, what would it be?

I will use Heather’s answer:

 

“Pudding fingers. As in can-shoot-pudding-out-of-my-fingers. NOT pudding-instead-of-fingers. That way I could fight crime, AND bring joy to all the world’s tonsilectomy patients (all who aren’t lactose intolerant anyway). I’d really rather have Diet Coke fingers, but I’m doing my best to think of others lately.”

 

I got a lot of good answers and it’s nice to have Andy S in the fold. If you don’t read the comments at the end of each post, you should. They’re usually better than the material in the blog. Andy S and i went to elementary school together. In third grade we created the world’s first viral marketing campaign. We decided that we needed to create some buzz about ourselves. The number one rule of viral marketing is that it is better to get other people talking you up so you don’t have to do it yourself. In order to make this happen we took these things that resembled notecards and we wrote on them, in the best girl handwriting, “I love Jeff H” and “I love Andy S.” We then dropped them surreptitiously around the playground and on the route home. If you’ve read my previous posts, the buzz didn’t really catch on until after college for me. Yet, it was worth it nonetheless.

Anyway, back to Heather’s suggestion. That would indeed be a great power to have. I love pudding and it’s cousin, yogurt. I like anything mushy. I like casseroles. I like it when various things are combined together to make mushy things. What the crap is tapioca anyway? I like any flavor of pudding except for banana. Whoever invented fake banana flavoring has never once eaten a banana. There is no way that fruit flavoring researchers were trying to come up with fake banana flavoring and got to the end and said, “We’ve got it!” The best they could have said was, “eh.”

 

You know a great group a la the Justice League would be the Potluck Brigade. Here would be their powers:

Pudding Papa-This would be Heather dressed as an old man with the aforementioned ability to shoot pudding out of her fingers.

Melon Woman-At first this sounds like a double entendre, but really she is named for her ability to shoot watermelon seeds rapid fire at the villains.

Cheesy Potatoes-This is a guy who serves cheesy potatoes just because they’re really good. But, the villains don’t get any, so they re-evaluate the lives they’re leading.

Jacques Le Bean-Grean bean casserole usually appears harmless, but not when they’re French Style. Jacques lures the villains in with the deliciousness he has to offer and then shouts insults that only a Frenchman could make. “You smell as a woman bathed in pickle juice. Hangh hangh!”

 

I’m not really happy with the hilarity of those ideas, so I’m going to try a different track. Pudding reminds me of Golden Corral. 80% of my pudding consumption is done at buffets. Very rarely do I just make pudding. Here are some observations of Golden Corrals I’ve made along the way.

-Based on the clientele, the Greatest Generation, are also the Greatest Consumers of  Iceberg Lettuce. A buffet is the opposite of the Great Depression.

-Macaroni and cheese is like Madonna, it looks good under the lights, but when you sit down with it you realize it’s been sitting out for awhile.

-When you see salad dressing in a tub instead of a bottle it has the consistency of ground beef in ice cream.

-I erroneously had previously thought my arms were normal human length. I realized my error when trying to maneuver my arm for a ladle over the food, but under the glass covering.

-Some people appear to confuse getting their food with Wack a Mole.

-You never want to go to a buffet that is just open for lunch at the end of when they’re open. The food has been sitting out too long and tastes like cold off-brand ibuprofen.

-It is impossible to keep loose grapes on a moving plate.

-The employees are neither Golden nor Corral-y.

-You should not cut in line, unless you are okay with getting slapped by an old lady with pudding on her hands. Oh, wait! That’s not an old lady! That’s Pudding Papa Heather.

 Next prompt: What is something memorable one of your grandparents say/said?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. Jarrett Dawson says:

    nice. voted.

  2. Amanda says:

    I’m too late to get in the next post, but I just had to tell you about something my grandpa said while my dad was visiting a couple of years ago.

    Dad: What’s going on tomorrow?
    Grandpa: Oh, we’re going to Bingo Pie.
    Dad: (Trying to keep a straight face) What’s Bingo Pie?
    Grandpa: (Extremely matter-of-factly) Well, we go to church, play ten games of Bingo, and then we eat pie.

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