I’m going to get away from my normal style to tell a story about last night. Sorry, Allan, I’m ignoring your comment. I play pick up basketball on Tuesday nights in the gym at a nearby church. Last night was a bit of a fiasco.

SPRINGFIELD, MO (AP) – Last night’s contest between Pickup Team A and Pickup Team B at Schweitzer United Methodist Church was quite the battle. A was lead by the talent’s of All Star Jeff Houghton. In truth, he didn’t really lead the team and he wasn’t so much an All Star (unless you count the 1986 t-ball All Star team where he represented the Cardinals). Team B was lead by an athletic guy in a blue shirt with cutoff sleeves, whose name is unknown. He seemed like a ‘Brock’ though. Team B had won two games in a row and was cruising in game 3. The contest was played to 12 and Team A was ahead 10-8. Let’s change the team names from the Team A to the Warriors and Team B to the Dagger Elbowed Princesses.

After a couple of ill advised two point attempts by the Warriors the DEP team managed to pull the game even with some well defended layups. With the game tied at ten, the Warriors knew who to go to, their leader, Houghton. Red shirt passed Houghton the ball, who took a couple dribbles and then passed it to White Shirt. White Shirt drove the lane and passed it out to Other White Shirt. Other White Shirt launched a deep shot bouncing off the rim. Houghton and White Shirt from Other Team crashed the boards. It looked like White Shirt Other Team had it, but Houghton managed to tip it towards the sideline. They both jumped for the ball. White Shirt Other Team is not as confined by gravity so he managed to get higher. On White Shirt Other Team’s way down, Houghton, always the scrapper, decided to punch White Shirt’s elbow with his forehead. Houghton was heard to yell, “Fuaaaaagghhh!” But didn’t actually finish the swear word. The result was gruesome.bloodyface

There are some that say that it was not an elbow, but Houghton’s face hitting the rim. Believe what you will.

End of news story. I came home without cleaning so I could scare Michelle. I walk in past the kitchen and into the living room. I was greated with:

“Eh, eh, eh, it’s the end of the movie,” said my loving wife without looking up as I stood next to her and bled.

Five minutes later after she figured out that Kevin Spacey is Kaiser Sose I said, “Hey.” Michelle jumped up and said, “Oh my God! What happened to you!” She rushed around frantically. We ended up going to the emergency room to see about stitches. Here are my observations of the emergency room.


-There was the obligatory vending machine from 1977. It’s got fake wood paneling and yellowing glass. I knew before we got there that there would be one of those there.

-Only an Ozarks emergency room would have the hunting channel on the one shared TV.

-The older man sitting across from us ignored the TV. He did, however, ‘perk up,’ when the Extenze commercial came on.

-As I lay down and the doctor cleaned out my gash with a stream of water I said, with my eyes closed, “Michelle, is the doctor peeing on my face?”

-A visit to the ER is not cheap.

-I’m now one broken tooth away from hitting for the ER cycle. I’ve got broken bones, stitches, and stapling my finger completed over the years.

Next prompt: What is your favorite thing to whisper?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

4 responses »

  1. Jesse says:

    Years from now, you can tell kids that a retired Karl Malone was at the gym that fateful night, and proved that the Mailman could still deliver…

  2. Grant says:

    Ainsley, our 3-year-old, used to whisper “Barack Obama” at really random moments.

  3. Jenn says:

    Sometimes when I’m frustrated but I want to become happy, I whisper to Grant, “Quiet Lisa, or I’ll give you a taste of the back of me hand.” I heard Bart Simpson say it to LIsa once when he was being a pirate or something. It cheers both Grant and I up a lot when I say it.

  4. Michelle says:

    sometimes I whisper to my husband “man, this hospital room looks like a communist room”

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