I’m back. I’m back to the blog, the Midwest, work, and life in general. I often erroneously think that vacation is real life, it’s not. Here is the update on the my semi final round of the standup competition in Denver. It was at Comedy Works, this time at their southside location, not downtown. The place is brand new and beautiful. The downstairs seats about 280 and it was full. I unfortunately drew the first slot. I knew it was going to happen. It went really well. People laughed. They selected 2 other people to move on to the finals. I was actually happy with that since I do not live there. My set went great and my family was there so I was very happy. big chair

Also, last I wrote was before the last Mystery Hour. The show went great. The summer shows are always a little more laid back. The Scribbles got to play a rare two song set because they were so awesome.

For my last prompt I asked: What is the last sentence you wrote?

I will use Amanda’s answer:


“In an email to my aunt, referring to my cousins:

When do Andy and Kayla go back to school?”


Andy and Kayla. When will they get their act together? I swear, those kids. Cousins, man that’s always an odd relationship, huh? They aren’t brothers and sisters, but you can’t marry them. Ummm. I will proceed to write about cousins, with this disclaimer to my family who may read my blog: This is not based on my family. I repeat take no offense.

I’m going to give a break down of the standard set of cousins most people have. Again, this is not necessarily reflective of my family. Based on detailed sociological, anthropological, answerbagical research, the average person has 6.7 cousins.

Here they are:

1. The Older Cousin. Male: Chuck or Randy. Female: Cheryl or Brenda. This is the oldest child of your parent’s oldest sibling. They are a good 15 years older than you. You thought they were really cool when you were younger because they had a Geo Metro convertible and a girlfriend/boyfriend named Casey who smoked. Today they are in charge of your local Popeye’s restaurant on the weekends. They would be a manager during the week but, “Troy is a real tool who doesn’t understand talent when it punches him the face.” Future: The Older Cousin is fired for punching Troy in the face with a talented right cross.

2. Hot Cousin. Male: Brendan or Jeff. Female: Katie or Kate. In the gene pool of your family you got stuck with the warm spot.  The Hot Cousin got the part with the wet dollar bill. The Hot Cousin has always been dating someone. They were French rolling their jeans before even Joey Lawrence was. They are always way ahead of fashion. In fact, they are French rolling their jeans again already. You still think it’s stupid because you don’t know any better. The Hot Cousin went to a party school and you skim through their Facebook pictures because they have hot friends. The Hot Cousin works in real estate and loves Zig Zigler. Future: Plastic surgery.

3. Scary Cousin. Male: Ricky or Jermaine. Female: Tyna or Barb. The Scary Cousin has always been into a lot of hobbies like woodworking and killing animals. For the sake of your pet, you stopped inviting the Scary Cousin to your house when your family got a microwave. Now grown, the Scary Cousin, often goes on rants and diatribes about how the government is out to get him because he knows the truth about peanut butter. The Scary Cousin rarely makes appearances in real life. He works at a hot dog cart in World of Warcraft. Future: Death in W.O.W. followed by a drastic decline in real life.

4. The Successful Cousin. Male: Winston or Charles. Female: Cynthia or Jessica. This is the cousin your parents always hinted that you should be more like. When they were born they came out with a detailed spreadsheet of their progess up to birth. Your grandparents would sometimes forget your name, but they certainly never forgot the Successful Cousin’s SAT score. Sometimes they would even accidentally call you 1540. The successful cousin now works in New York City doing something with money, mostly making it. When you see them at family get together you  talk about the weather. Future: They will one day own a multinational business named using their last name followed by ‘corp.’

5. The Sneaky Cousin. Male: Unsure. Female: Unsure. You saw them twice in the ’80’s and now you swear you saw them rollerblading in a cape last week.

6. Apathetic Cousin. Male: Trent or Ben. Female: Kris or Brandy. This cousin has never liked anything. At get togethers they are always sitting on the edge of the couch pretending like they are falling asleep. Everyone else has taken their shoes off to respect your grandparents’ carpet, but the Apathetic Cousin is still wearing their British Knights. You have never seen their whole face because their dyed black hair is always covering part of their face. Now they work at a movie rental store but, “all of the titles suck and I only get 15 minutes for lunch, which is illegal.” Future: Cheetos overdose.

.7  The Surprise. Male: Madison or Addison. Female: Addison or Madison. This is the brother/sister to the Oldest Cousin. The father didn’t feel the need to go to “an overpriced doctor” to get a vasectomy. You are 20 years older than the surprise, making the Oldest Cousin 35 years older. The Surprise is always doing surprising and precocious things. The Surprise reminds everyone about experiencing innocent joy and criminal poo. Future: They will graduate high school in a number of years and you will begin anew your love affair with punch.

Bonus. The Only Child Cousin. Male: Brock or Blaine. Female: Melinda or LeAnn. They don’t have any siblings and you are the same age, so you’re it. Your aunt was always calling your mom to see if you wanted to come and play with them. When you got there, though, they wouldn’t let you touch anything. The Legos were off limits because Brock had created Brocktown, USA and, “you aren’t allowed in the city limits without a Brockport or a PassBrock.” You are Facebook friends now and The Only Child Cousin is always talking to you on Facebook chat. The Only Child Cousin is big into Amway and if you share any information about your life they think it means you too would be perfect for Amway. Future: Starts new pyramid business called Brockway. Pyramid accidentally falls upside down.

Next prompt: What is a tattoo you have or want to have?

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Tiffany says:

    My latest tattoo is “Libera nos a malo”, written down my spine. It is latin for “Deliver us from evil”. My mom, not being a fan of tattoos, inquired, “Why couldn’t you just get saved?” Thanks, mom.

  2. Amanda says:

    I have two tattoos:

    One is on my lower back (I hate that it’s there, but what can ya do?) and it says “Amanda Jane” in Arabic. My grandpa’s family is from Jordan (that’s where the name Rehani comes from) and one of my great-uncles wrote about 12 different ways of writing my name in Arabic.

    The other tattoo is on my inner right ankle. It is two hands reaching towards each other. My cousin Katie (who is actually not the “Hot Cousin”, contrary to your research) got the same thing. When we decided to get matching tattoos, my cousin Mark asked, “But what if you guys break up?”

  3. Allan says:

    For someone who doesn’t want a tattoo I think about this a lot. I can’t seem to find that single image, quote, tribute or squiggly line that would complete my body image. I really like the idea of being able to trade out and change my accessories.

    So, a Spider Man temporary tattoo from the cereal box will be what I’m sporting next time I win the cereal prize lottery.

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