All of your voting kind of, mostly, almost paid off. Remember when I was  harassing you about voting for me for ‘Hot Hilarious Blogger?’ Well, I lost by 12 votes, out of hundreds. The charitable Matt Lemmon said it was statistically close enough. Instead of making me the Hot Hilarious Blogger I was crowned the Hot Cottage Industry. I think the first one sounds a little cooler, but Cottage Industry sounds intriguing too. Here’s a link to the article. Lemmon_Houghton_1984_F

For the last prompt I asked: What is one of your first memories?

In honor of the award I will use Matt’s answer:

 

“My first memory is of my parents, all dressed up in square-dancing clothes, getting ready to go out. My mom had a great big shamrock name-tag on and my dad was wearing a bolo. They left me with a babysitter, who wouldn’t play with me, just watched TV and would throw the ball into the corner time-to-time like I was a dog. I cried.”

 

This one was a toughie to pick. All of the memories were so weird and creepy. It’s strange how memories back then are equal parts imagination and reality. I think the imagination must slowly ooze away as reality fills in the void. Being young is much more exciting. Your grandma could float into your room (Amanda) then. Grandmas can now ride Segways, but they can’t float yet in real life.

I think that for this one I will further illustrate the situation Matt gave us.

Young Matt is playing on the floor. His curved spine does not allow him to run and play too much.

“Matt, you be good. Daddy and I are going out,” said Matt’s mom, Debbie.

“Aaawww, Mommy I don’t want you to go. Where are you going? When are you going to be back?” cried Matt.

“We’re going to an Irish hoedown, Matt,” explained Debbie.

“What’s that?” asked Matt as he panted in antcipation.

“An Irish hoedown is when adults get together, dance with each other, wear big shamrocks like the one I have on now, and talk about the potato famines of the old days,” explained Debbie, “In fact, when we get there we call it an O’down.”

“Oh, but I want to come too!” yelled Matt chasing his coxix.

“Matt. You have to stay here,” said Dad. “We’ve got a baby sitter for you. His name is Derek. He’s in high school.”

“Hey, little man. We’re going to have fun,” said a polite Derek. He was wearing a Def Leppard shirt and black jeans.

“Dad? Why do you have such a stupid tie on?” asked Matt.

“Son, it’s a bolo tie. People in the wild west wear these,” explained Dad.

“It looks like a rock with two strings coming out of it. No one actually wears those do they?” asked Matt.

“Now son…”

“I mean seriously. It looks like the torso and legs of a stickman.”

“Well, we’re going to do-si-do our way out of here,” said a cheerful Debbie. “Top o’the mornin to you.”

With that, Matt’s parents left, leaving Matt with Derek, the high schooler.

“Hey, buddy. You ready to have some fun?”

“Sure!” said a now enthusiastic Matt.

“Okay. We’re going to play a game. You sit in the corner and count to ten. When you’re done counting my girlfriend, Rhonda, will appear. When she gets here we’re going to make out and stuff. You stay in the corner,” explained Derek.

“Yeah!” said an unaware Matt.

Matt counted to ten and sure enough, when the counting was over Matt opened his eyes to see a 17 year old girl wearing black spandex, a long Def Leppard shirt, the hair of an angry pony, and velcro shoes.

“Hey, baby. I missed you. Those boxwoods are scratchy,” said the girl Matt assumed was Rhonda.

“Oh, baby, I missed you too. Let me itch those scratches,” said Derek.

Derek jumped over the plaid recliner and began to mash faces with Rhonda. Matt thought to himself, “You don’t itch a scratch. You scratch an itch. Idiot.” Someday he wanted to be an editor.

“Hey…hey…hey…hey!” yelled Matt at the two lovebirds.

With the two Def Leppard shirts writhing against each other it looked like the band was making out with itself. The couple stopped, presumably looking for an oxygen tank.

“What do we do about him?” asked Rhonda.

“I don’t know. Throw him a ball like you do for Mugsy,” replied Derek.

Derek threw a ball in the corner to placate the dog child. Matt threw it back hitting Derek in the head.

“Wow, hey kid, you could play for the Cardinals. No, maybe even the major leagues. You could play for the Cubs,” said Derek.

” I have back problems. I’m more of a wordsmith,” replied Matt. “You know, guys, I may only be 3 and a half, but I think it’s time to rexamine your priorities. come here. Come sit in the corner.”

The two followed his advice and sat down.

“Now, listen. I know you may feel like you’re in love right now, but you’ve got your whole lives ahead of you. Now is not the time to be making a mistake and committing yourself to each other. Let’s be honest, if I child comes of this, what are you going to do? Derek are you ready to get a job? Are you ready to raise a child? You know it’s more than just throwing a ball in a corner. There is so much at stake here. And Rhonda, you don’t need to be going down the highway of this relationship at 80 mph. You’re Rhonda, not Honda. You don’t want to be known by the second and third letters of your name your whole life. It’s time you guys take it slow and get to know each other. Derek. What is Rhonda’s middle name?”

“Gee, Matt, I don’t know,” said Derek.

“It’s Fonda,” said Rhonda sheepishly.

“See guys…wait, what? Rhonda Fonda? That’s stupid. I was feeling bad about the Rhonda Honda joke, but man, that’s worse. And, you have to live with it for the rest of your life,” continued Matt. “See guys. It’s all about getting to know each other. To be perfectly honest, and I know you guys don’t want to hear this, but you’ll find other people out there. I want you to live for the moment, sure, but also live for the future. Reach upward for what you want, but keep both feet on the ground. Get to know someone’s intellect before you get to know their exoskeleton.”

“Derek, do you even know that someday you are capable of running an Arby’s? During the day? Monday, Wednesday, Friday? It’s true. Now, don’t throw it away on some floosie. No offense Rhonda. And you Rhonda, Someday you’ll work in a kiosk. Yeah, a real live kiosk. In the mall. There are going to be things called cell phones and people are going to need fashionable, bedazzled holders to put them in. You know what? They’re going to come to you for those. Don’t lose it all on this tool biscuit. No offense Derek.”

“Wow, thanks Matt. You are wise beyond your years,” said Derek.

“Yeah, how can I ever thank you?” asked Rhonda

“We might have made a big mistake, maybe even tonight,” exclaimed Derek.

Then, Matt paused, raising one chubby index finger, “You know… They waited as he made a pained expression on his face.

“He’s going to speak some more truth into our lives.”

“He is so wise.”

“This will be good.”

“What is it oh wise one? What is it?”

They waited in silence some more.

Quietly, with great clarity, Matt said matter of factly, “I just BM’d.”

 Next prompt: What is your favorite type of gum?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. habitgirl says:

    Silver Orbit. I think it’s called Crystal Mint…not to be confused with their Sweet Mint, Peppermint, Wintermint or Mint Mojito. Heavens, those Orbit people have got the mints covered.

  2. allan says:

    most people probably hate this type of gum, but i’m a huge fan of gumshoe. most people resent the sticky mess made by this variety, but its inherent nack for solving crimes is wonderful to always have around.

  3. Dan says:

    I really like Big League Chew–grape is my favorite flavor– but I don’t even know where to find it anymore. Plus I think it is impractical to carry around a large pouch of gum with you in your adult life.

    The second runner-up in my gum preferences has to be Ka-Bluey’s. Also from my childhood, these blue gumballs came in a metal pail with a plastic lid, were blue raspberry flavored (btw, do blue raspberries really exist??), and they purposely turned your entire mouth the brightest shade of blue; more than you would think possible, actually.

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