September 28, 2009

I recently decided to put the date on my posts to make it evident that I posted everyday. Since I did that I have been crappy about getting posts up. I swear I’m back on the wagon now. The Mystery Hour is this Friday night! This one will be a classic, I can already tell. bullseye

For the last prompt I asked: What is your favorite memory from a rainy day?

I will use Dan’s answer:

 

“…One thing I never understood is why parents/adults in general tell kids lies about what makes thunder. “God and the angels are bowling,” “God is playing drums,” or my personal favorite that my Uncle Jim told me once “the angels are stomp-dancing.”

First of all, though I like the sport, I can’t imagine that’s how I’d want to spend eternity in heaven…bowling.”

 

I had to shorten Dan’s answer to just the pertinent information. It’s funny, you can read the whole thing. Bowling, the most majestic of all the liquor and smoke based sports. Everyone has an opinion of bowling ranging from, “I hate it,” to “I love it,” to “last time I went I woke up in the claw machine and I had to wait for the manager to manuever the claw perfectly to get me out.” There was a great local commercial where I grew up, Iowa City, where a guy says, “Aaawww, last time I went bowling all I got was gutter balls.” Then his wife responds with, “It’s okay, now they have bumper lanes.” Classic.

 

Here is a rundown of the people you will see at a bowling alley:

-Shirley. She’s been coming there for years. In fact, it’s where she met her first three husbands. Shirley is dressed in stonewashed jeans and sweatshirt commemorating the bicentennial of something. She has her own ball that has her initials in it, S.O.S. When she’s not at the bowling alley she is watching reruns of Grace Under Fire. Whenever someone gets a 7-10 split Shirley mutters between gasps on the cigarette, “I used to be able to do the splits.” Then she coughs uncontrollably.

-Bryce. He’s the guy playing at the lane by himself because he can’t be disturbed. He’s training for regionals. He’s wearing loose fitting jeans, a shirt with cut off sleeves and bowling gloves, that he actually wears most waking hours. He tries extra hard to look ticked off, just to be sure that everyone knows that he usually does better. After picking up a difficult spare he coolly exclaims, “Booyah.”

-The Youth Group. The nearby youth group from First United Methodist Church has two lanes and the smell of Axe Body Spray and Skittles overpowers the natural odor of the place. Katelyn and Jordan are totally flirting while Miles looks on. This group is legitimately ticking off Bryce. After Trey, the most popular one, gets a strike they all go into a cheer they learned at camp, “You saw it, you want it, now watch me flaunt it!” They follow it with a dance involving lots of bottom shaking.

-Dennis. He’s worked at Pinheads, the bar inside of the bowling alley for 16 years. He’s seen it all. He wears jeans with a denim shirt sipping on some water. Alcohol? He don’t touch the stuff anymore. He could tell all kinds of stories about what he’s seen in the place. Every story ends the same, “It surely wasn’t ‘Nam, but it was pretty bad.”

-Tina. She sprays the shoes and occasionally the bowling ball holes when she’s feeling generous. “What size? But I’ll tell you right now we don’t have half sizes, so don’t even ask.”

-Frank, Ann, Randy, Travis. The college students who are  soon  joining a bowling league creating a team name that will be a hilarious acronym of their names, F.A.R.T. They are drinking from a pitcher of PBR and snickering at the genius of their team name. “Oooh, gutter ball, if you know what I’m saying!” Travis hates Frank but Frank doesn’t know it yet. It will come out much later during a heated league match that was supposed to be fun.

-The Foreign Exchange Student. Hasad is from a country that discourages bowling. He was drawn to the American game and put it on his wish list when he got to the States. He is wearing slacks and a turtleneck taking notes in the corner. Things aren’t quite as shiny as he thought they would be. Often he will awkwardly congratulate the bowlers for good frames. “You really are quite good, sir. America!”

-You. You are looking for a ball that is light enough and has finger holes big enough for your somewhat chunky fingers you inherited from your dad’s side of the family. You say things like, “Why can’t they organize these frickin’ balls? How hard would that be?”

Next prompt: What is your dad’s favorite thing to say?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

5 responses »

  1. Amanda says:

    Do I really have to pick just one? At any given moment, you can hear my dad saying any or all of the following things:

    MoJITos!!!
    It’s a funny word, vegeGAbles (this one is usually sung)
    It’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.
    or any random catchphrase he has picked up from a movie or TV show

  2. Allan says:

    Not to paint a morbid picture of my family, but my stepdad would often quote an old horror movie, “The Bad Seed” (a precursor to children being creepy and possibly the spawn of all evil in movies i.e. Children of The Corn, The Omen, The Ring, The Shining, Hide and Seek, The Orphan. . .).

    He would either misquote a cheesy term of endearment from the movie: “what would you give me for a basket of hugs?” (The appropriate response would be “A basket of kisses” but embracing the creepy child role we invented our own “a basket full of hand grenades”).

    He would also quote the creepy janitor Leroy, “They’ve got a little electric chair for children, a little blue one for boys and a little pink one for girls. They turn it on and it goes ZZZT and it’ll make your little pig tails stand on end.”
    I didn’t actually put my hair into pig tails so it didn’t really make sense when he quoted that. . .but it still gave everyone a good laugh.

  3. Dan says:

    My dad had a variety of phrases he would say when he was angry or frustrated. The most common we’d hear him say is “Darn it anyhow!”

    A variation on that would be “Darn you anyhow!”

    To this day I have no idea where he got this phrase or what he could possibly mean by it. I mean, it seems to make sense at first listen, but the more you think about it, the more you’ve got to wonder “What is the thing that’s keeping him from ‘Darn-ing it’ that he has to darn it ‘anyhow’??”

    I think it will remain a mystery for all time.

  4. sarahj83 says:

    not really a favorite, but one that leaps to mind:
    whenever dad goes to a water fountain, and must first announce what he’s doing, it’s “get a shot ‘a water”
    he also loves to talk about things he heard on KGBX. most often it’s something about movies c/o the Cool California Cultural Correspondent. AND you’d better believe he always calls him the “Cool California Cultural Correspondent.” every time.

  5. Shawn says:

    Wow, this post is fantastic! It reminds me of bowling in an after-school youth league with some friends my senior year of high school. I’ll never forget the drama of striking out on the last frame to beat a team of three fifth grade girls. …and all the trash talk afterward.

    On another note, my Dad doesn’t say a lot. I guess, “How’s the oil in your car?” and “When’s the last time you cleaned the lint off the dry filter?” are his favorite things to say.

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