November 18, 2009

I got up at 5:30 this morning. That ain’t right. I don’t know how people do it. I think that naturally my body would want to get up at 10. People always say, “The early bird gets the worm.” This is not true if the bird who goes to bed late gets the worm the night before. Why is going to bed late and getting up late associated with laziness? Einstein used to sleep 20 hours a day…or something like that.

For the last prompt I asked: How do you sleep at night?

I will use Amanda’s answer:

 

“Mythology says that if you sleep on your back and you’re a female, an incubus (male demon) sits on your chest and makes you have bad dreams. If you’re a male, a succubus (female demon) sits on your chest and makes you have bad dreams.

I bet Dan snores a lot, sleeping on his back. I feel bad for his significant other.”

 

Hmmm…I guess an open ended question deserves and open ended answer. What is the country of origin for that mythology? I suppose if a demon is going to hang around me I want him to just sit. He could be up to a lot worse, he could be playing an Incubus album. If an angel sits on your chest do you have good dreams?

Here’s a conversation I might have with a demon if I woke up and there was one on my chest.

4:00 in the morning in Jeff’s bedroom

Jeff: Uggghhh…aaahhh…WHAT?…WHAT THE???

Succubus: Good morning Jeff

Jeff: What are you?

Succubus: I’m a demon

Jeff: What are you doing?!

Succubus: I’m sitting on you.

Jeff: I can see that, why?

Succubus: To give you bad dreams, it’s what I do.

Jeff: Why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?

Succubus: My name is Succubus and this is what I choose to do with my time. Is it working? Did you have bad dreams?

Jeff: I don’t remember. I’ve kind of forgotten about that

Succubus: Dang it. There’s two years down the drain.

Jeff: Two years?

Succubus: I went back to school at Vatterot College to be trained for this.

Jeff: They do not have Demon Chest Sitting degrees at Vatterot.

Succubus: Yes they do. Have you ever seen the commercials? It’s listed right under Medical Assistant. I didn’t get off of work at Petland and run over three nights a week for nothing. But, obviously it’s not working. This internship is worthless.

Jeff: You have an internship?

Succubus: Of course. They send the interns to the weaker minded people.

Jeff: Well it didn’t work, demon.

Succubus: It’s Succubus.

Jeff: What?

Succubus: Succubus. My name is Succubus.

Jeff: Yeah, well suck you bus. You are a sucky demon. Get a real job.

Succubus: Oh, like I’ve never heard that one before. Like you’re so great.

(Succubus begins to eat a pear)

Jeff: Stop it. You’re getting juice on the duvet cover.

Succubus: This is the time of year for pears.

Jeff: You need to leave.

Succubus: I’m not leaving until you have a bad dream.

Jeff: Fine.

Succubus: What would be a bad dream for you?

Jeff: An Incubus concert.

Incubus: Hey!

Jeff: What?

Succubus: That’s Incubus. He’s sitting on your wife’s chest right now. He’s sensitive.

Jeff: Gross.

Succubus: Come on, what would be bad? Unprepared for a speech? Gone all year and forgot a class? Naked at Golden Corral? Being chased by surprisingly fast human baby/badger mix?

Jeff: I guess I have some anxiety about the future. I don’t know if I’m in the job I want. I feel like I’m capable of more.

Succubus: Alright, perfect. Go to sleep.

(Due to Jeff’s real life ability to fall asleep in an instant he goes to sleep)

(Inside Jeff’s dream he finds himself sitting on the couch watching TV. It is afternoon and he is not at work. Suddenly, the commercial on TV begins to speak to Jeff directly.)

Man: Hey, you. Yeah, you. I know you’re just sitting there on the couch wishing you could do something else with your life. Don’t pretend like you’re not. You know you’ve wanted to change careers. Well, now is the time. Get up off your butt and do it. Stop making excuses. If you’re seeing this commercial there is a Vatterot College nearby. This is your chance to make a new life. You can have a career in Heating and Air Conditiong, Paralegal Studies, Cosmetology, Court Reporting, Medical Assisting, Demon Chest Sitting, Welding, Computer Aided Drafting. So get up and call the number at the bottom of the screen!

Jeff: No, no…

(Jeff wakes up)

Jeff: You win Succubus.

Next prompt: What is your favorite frozen treat?

 

 

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

One response »

  1. Katie says:

    Mango mochi ice cream. Chewy balls of cold yum.

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