November 25, 2009

Not too much going on at work today, most everybody is gone, leaving just us suckers to take care of the place. I have two pieces of gum in my pocket…I mean my mouth…which is the pocket of the face.

For the last prompt I asked: What is your favorite Thanksgiving tradition?

I will use Sarah’s answer:

 

“we feast upon both turkey and ham, and while we’re filling our plates my brother will invoke my grandpa’s memory (lovable curmudgeon that he was) with “hell yes i want ham!” one of the few times PG words are okay with my mom. (there’s no hat of shame on the blog, right?)”

 

Man, I love older people. One of the best things about old people is that they have strong opinions about weird things. I’ve touched on this once before, but let’s explore it today. Here is a listing of real opinions that old people have.

 

-“I don’t know why anyone would use a back door when there’s a perfectly good front door just sitting there.”  “If anyone got a problem with it, they can just walk around to the front like an upstanding person. What are they trying to hide using the back door?”

-“Don’t throw out those Saltines. You ain’t neva sposed to throw out Saltines for at least two sitting presidential terms.” “That’s why I bought some crackers in 1928 during Hoover. I’ll be darned if I didn’t get to eat them until 1945. How was I sposed to know Roosevelt would be so popular. I tell you what though. Those crackers tasted good. They tasted like prosperity, which we could use at the time.”

-“Pregnant women shouldn’t wear polyester.” “You never know what’s in that polyester that’s just gonna be sitting there telling your unborn baby secrets, all the while hugging your womb. You should be the only one hugging your womb. Wear cotton. Cotton comes from the ground, like potatoes. You never seen a potato grow up to be a hussy, have ya?”

-“Hell yes I want ham!”

-“Never trust a left-handed veterinarian.” “It’s a choice and don’t let them tell you different. The right hand is the healing one. The left hand is for mischief and slipping worms in.”

-“Go ahead and ride the bus, just don’t do it on Tuesdays.” “That’s the day that all the bus drivers drink the meth before they drive.”

-“Fox News is fair and balanced.”

-“If you cross your eyes when you’re watching Wheel of Fortune you can see messages from Merv Griffin beyond the grave.” “Don’t believe me? How’d I know Nancy Kerrigan was going to get socked by that Tonya Harding six months before it happened? How’d Merv know? Nancy’s grandmother is in the same bridge club beyond the pearly gates.”

-“Sure you can go out and buy a motorcycle, but your grandfather could make you one just the same using only a hi-fi, a candied yam, a blender, and a double issue of Good Housekeeping. Don’t believe me? I saw him do it with my own two eyes in 1954.

Next prompt: What is the best thing you overheard during your Thanksgiving festivities?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. allan says:

    “i’ve designed a time machine, i just need to get all the parts and test it far away in case it blows up.” -my eight year old cousin talking about wanting to be a scientist.

  2. Amanda says:

    A 50-year-old man to his 70-year-old mother:
    “We opened the wine for you, Mom. I haven’t seen you fall up the stairs in awhile.”

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