December 8, 2009

If you missed the Mystery Hour on Friday, you really missed out on, everything. Jim O’Neal was great and Michelle Sherwood was fantastic. She may have been one of the funniest interviews yet. Plus, she gave me a kit to turn regular shoes into tap shoes…just in case. And, we premiered a new rap video. I’ll have that online soon.

For the last prompt I asked: What is the last thing you mailed?

I’ll use Amanda’s answer:

“Probably bills from the Arts Council. We need our money!!!”

Everyone needs money right now. But, if you owe the Arts Council money, it would be wise to pay up soon, they don’t mess around. Screwing around the Arts Council is like messing with the mafia. The Arts Council’s power and influence know no bounds. They will gladly mess you up. My buddy, Chris, messed with the Arts Council one time a few years ago. I haven’t seen from him since then and rumor is he was made into a mobile. Here’s an example of someone, named Jeremy, on the wrong end of the Arts Council.

Phone rings

Jeremy: Hello?

Arts Council: Jeremy, do yous know who this is?

Jeremy: No I don’t.

AC: I think yous do.

Jeremy: Honestly, I don’t. I don’t have any idea.

AC: Well then, it’s my job to ‘splain it to yous.

Jeremy: Okay.

AC: Do you remember attending a classy, generous event called, Heart for the Arts?

Jeremy: Yeah…

AC: Do yous remember the silent auction?

Jeremy: Yeah..

AC: Well, then surely yous remember bidding on two free rounds of putt-putt golf at Hole in Juan, the classy Mexican themed miniature golf destination during the silent auction.

Jeremy: Yeah…

AC: Jeremy…

Jeremy: What?

AC: Jerrreeemmmyyy

Jeremy: What.

AC: Yous haven’t paid up. Do yous have any notion of what people like me do to people like you who don’t pay up? The auction isn’t the only thing I can make silent.

Jeremy: I meant to give it to you, honest, it’s just that…

AC: I don’t want no excuses Jeremy. I need the money. I can very easily turn your face from realism into abstract. I see two lines converging at the horizon and only one of us has a knife.

Jeremy: I’ll get you the money.

AC: Have you noticed how calm I am Jeremy? I’m a very understanding man. One question for you. Jeremy, do you not like children?

Jeremy: No they’re fine. I like children.

AC: Did you know that the Heart for the Arts event directly benefits children’s programming? So I want to know what you have against the little tikes.

Jeremy: Nothing, I’ve got nothing against them.

AC: Against who?

Jeremy: Kids.

AC: Who?

Jeremy: The little tikes.

AC: Say it.

Jeremy: I got nothing against the little tikes.

AC: Do you want to have little tikes of your own?

Jeremy: Yes, someday I would.

AC: You know I could make it so you wouldn’t be able to have kids. I’m very very adept with a wire clay cutter and a kiln. Just thought you might like to know that.

Jeremy: Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

AC: Sorry doesn’t transform lives and enrich our community, Jeremy. You see Jeremy, when you pledged $21.00 in that silent auction, you pledged to be a part of our community. There is nothing more unforgivable than making a promise to your community and then backing out. There are kids out there who may be forced to do without the unquantifiable resource that arts brings them. I’m getting worked up right now. My doc said I shouldn’t get worked up, like the way I’m getting worked up right now, thinking of you, the scum of the earth. You know what is quantifiable, Jeremy? Jeremy, the number of fingers in my fist is quantifiable. The number of fists on my hand is quantifiable, the number of arms on my torso is quantifiable, the number of times I would beat you if only given the chance is quantifiable, Jeremy. You know what happens if I have none of those? I would just be a torso, legs and a head. You know what else is just a torso, legs and a head? That’s right, Venus De Milo. Venus De Milo is a masterpiece of art.

Jeremy: So you have breasts.

AC: What?

Jeremy: Venus De Milo is a woman.

AC: Shut yo’ mouth.

Jeremy: Are you going to come to my house to get the cash?

AC: No. We have a convenient PayPal button on our homepage, we’re not savages.

Jeremy: Okay.

AC: Or are we?

Next prompt: What is one of your sibling’s hobbies?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

6 responses »

  1. Matt says:

    I have no siblings, but there are people who are LIKE siblings to me. The closest person I have to a brother is a birder. He runs a birding blog and has a list of all the birds he’s ever seen in his life. Ever. No, he is not Rainman.

  2. jeffhoughton says:

    My sister’s hobby I suppose is playing guitar/singing… remember 3 Days Gone? Yeah, I thought so.

  3. Katie says:

    My older brother is a fantastic cook and grows a gigantic beard (you could consider it a hobby; there are beard-growing competitions). My younger sister knits things of all shapes and sizes. My other younger sister paints, draws, writes and makes the best apple pie on the planet. I do nothing of interest.

  4. Amanda says:

    Oh my, you did research on our website! I am very flattered. I feel the need to point out that Michelangelo’s David is indeed an entire statue, arms, legs, head and all. Also, the prompt was “what is the last thing you mailed?” It doesn’t make much sense for the bills we send out to be stashed in a drawer next to me… just sayin.

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