December 14, 2009

Welcome to Monday, bask in the memory of the weekend. Our stand up night went very well. Very happy with it. Also, last night, my wife completed her last work for her graduate classes. She was more excited than a straw in a smoothie.

For the last prompt I asked: What is your most common distraction?

I’ll use Allan’s answer:

“right now, dog hair on my coat. it is all over, and multiplying as if jesus is blessing each strand to provide me extra warmth….”

Dog hair, man, what are you going to do with it? I used to think it was weird when people had dog hair all over their coats, now I’m that guy. No matter how much swiping or brushing of your sweater you do, they still stick around. Growing up I only had hypo-allergenic dogs. Basically, they were just dogs that didn’t shed…and were insane…and had a lot of issues. The worst, was my dog, Magic. He was a bichon frise, he was white and poofy and looked like a small poodle. But, oh, oh, beneath that charming and cute exterior, the inside was dark and twisted. 

If Magic was literate, had thumbs, and knew how to manipulate a pen or a keyboard, this is what I imagine his diary to look like.

May 16, 1989

Woke up today and looked for somewhere to relieve the old Einstein. I found a corner and it was good. Hehe, it was real good. As I was trotting around on my morning stroll, I came across some baseball cards. I ate them real good. Hehe, they tasted like old gum. The woman owner came over looking all upset and stuff. I gave her what I call the Sweet Nothings look. She seemed to buy it. I pooped a Dale Murphy card on the front lawn. Good day.

July 22, 1989

I’ve been sloppy lately. They still think I’m cute, but they’re starting to get suspicious. They got me a choke chain. It’s just a linked one that works as a slip knot. Big whoop. Talk to me when they get one with spikes. I ate 14 crayons today. I pooped a rainbow in the front yard.

October 31, 1989

The littlest one tried to dress me as a pumpkin today, I bit his chubby little finger. I caught an episode of My Two Dads today. I swear that show is going to last forever. I pooped an unknown bright object in the front yard.

December 25, 1989

Aaaahh, Christmas, the presents, the family, the joy, the smell of cayenne red pepper powder in the nose. Yep, my loving family got red pepper powder to shove in my nose when I have cornered human food. Little do they know, I’m impervious to it.  The middle one was up on the kitchen counter with a broom, red pepper powder, and a frightened look on his face trying to get some raisin bran away from my steely grip. It was exhilerating. I pooped a portion of a Troll doll in the front yard today.

December 26, 1989

Christmas with the extended family. I ate “Uncle Ken’s” glasses. You heard right. His whole glasses, glass and all. Am I the baddest bichon in history? You better believe it. I’m a freakin’ seeing eye dog! Get it? I pooped blood on the carpet.

January 16, 1990

My “family” got a choke chain with spikes today. I’m a fru-fru dog, but aawww, yeah, I got spikes. What they don’t realize is that this only increases my street cred. I’m feeling more empowered. They also don’t realize that I am impervious to their latest attempt at control. The middle boy tried to take me on a walk today. Pardon me, the boy literally dragged me up the street today. Point to Magic. I ate one pile of rubber bands today. Pooped a rubber band ball in the front yard.

August 11, 1990

Nearly ate off a child’s finger today. Pooped a pile of no regrets in the front yard.

April 29, 1991

Vet actually put me on steroids today. I convinced him I was allergic to something…whatever…I don’t remember what it was. As if I need anymore strength. I don’t have to worry about things shrinking, I don’t have anything there anymore. I ate a family picture today and pooped out a blank sheet of paper. Booyah, stomach acids!

January 19, 1994

I feel like my liver might be giving out. How could that be? It’s not like that’s the organ that processes all of the weird crap I’ve been eating. A flood of emotions have hit me as I’ve thought back on the type of life I’ve lived. If anyone ends up reading this journal, know that you shouldn’t live as I have lived. I have many regrets. I’m getting old. I ate a grape today. I pooped out a raisin in the front yard.

Next prompt: What was your best subject in elementary school and why?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

5 responses »

  1. Amanda says:

    I kicked ass at ALL the subjects. Except gym. Not so much with the athletic prowess.

  2. Dan says:

    I was amazing at spelling. Whenever we had a spelling test, I would be done way before all the other kids, and I’d have them all exactly right. I’m still really good at spelling, except for one or two Achilles heels…

    There are two words that I almost never spell right. Well, let me be more accurate: One word that I almost never spell right, and one word that I cannot spell right for the life of me unless I look it up.

    The former is the word “gauge,” such as the gauges in your car’s dashboard. That one’s tricky because it’s not spelled at all how it sounds. I didn’t have to look that one up this time, but it’s only because I had to use that word just the other day.

    The word I can’t ever spell right is…Renaissance. The ellipsis included in front of the word represents the time I took just now to look it up, check it, and double check it before I typed it.

    We all have our weaknesses, don’t we?

  3. Katya says:

    We had a dance class in elementary school. It was my favorite, and I always participated in every dance performance we had to do for school

  4. Shanners says:

    Did we have “subjects” in elementary school? I mostly remember recess. And playing w/ the big parachute. I guess that was probably PE. I’m sure I was not good at it – but that was my favorite. I did NOT like 2nd grade. One of my teachers told us there was no Santa – but she said it in a way that implied we were really stupid if we believed there WAS a Santa. (of course I did and still do believe in Santa) And I got my first “F” on a math paper. I cried. Then went on to be on the “Mathletes” team in high school – take that 2nd grade math!

  5. allan says:

    i like to think test taking was my best subject. i figured out the system pretty early and knew how to pick out the correct answer in multiple choice, or how to find questions on a similar point/subject to search for potential clues or answers. tests can be your own personal csi episode, except your name is at the top of the page instead of ole jerry b, and the teacher scowls at you for humming any rock theme music…

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