December 17, 2009

If you missed the last Mystery Hour, then you really missed out. Here is a clip from the show. The fight escalated really quickly, but in the end it was Christmas that won.

For the last prompt I asked: What is something that you often have to do but you aren’t very good at?

I will use Allan’s answer:

“grocery shop. i have trouble planning ahead and i don’t write out lists, so i forget to buy important items while impulsively buying food items i don’t need.”

Grocery shopping is the worst, especially when you are married. I don’t do much cooking. My idea of cooking is combining things together that don’t belong. I like to add pineapple to macaroni and cheese. I like to sprinkle cheese on things that didn’t have it before.  I’m the strip mall of cooking. I create meals that are made up of things that don’t belong together and weren’t all that good start with. Maybe I’m the equivalent of those fast food places that combine aLong John Silver’s with a KFC hoping that people will forget that it’s still just a Long John’s Silver and a KFC. Wait a minute, isn’t Long John Silver’s just the maritime equivalient of KFC? Think about it.

I am by no means a sexist, it just so happens that my wife likes to cook and I don’t. I don’t think that this is how it is supposed to be, but it has worked out that way. We’re an accidental stereotype. I would be very happy just eating a paper with oregano and cheese.

The worst then, is grocery shopping for both of us by myself. I don’t really know what she gets. I think she gets things like ingredients to make meals. I get ingredients already made into meals by what I can only assume are robots.

Here’s what I get at the store:

Lean Pockets. They tast the same as Hot Pockets, only the say ‘Lean’. I have yet to verify on the nutrition facts.

Fruit. Nature’s snack. Bananas come pre-packaged.

Ham Slices. Not for sandwiches even, I just eat them out of the package while standing in the kitchen with the dogs watching my every move.

Pizza and Applesauce and Apples with Pizza Sauce. Stuck in your head? Good.

Chunky Soup. Donovan McNabb’s mom was right, it eats like a meal…a meal with 14 canisters of salt poured on it.

Fruit Snacks. If fruit is nature’s snack then fruit snacks are the unnatural cyborg version. I get them as a reward to myself for shopping. I usually eat them on the way home.

Frozen Taquitos. This only happens when I talk on my phone when I’m shopping, which is most of the time. It is not only frozen taquitos. It is just something that I grab that I don’t think about because I’m too engrossed in my conversation about Glee. You can substitute Gatorade powder, pudding, pudding pops, or off brand Oreos. Basically, it’s whatever will illicit surprise while unpacking the groceries at home.

Yogurt. I eat yogurt as if Yoplait was going out of business and one of the executives e-mailed me saying it was my duty as an American to bail out the company the only way I know how…opening my face hole.

Cereal. I always get one sugary cereal to placate my id and a healthy one for my super ego. Sometimes if I just want to get one I’ll get the Freudy Pops to satisfy both.

Extra Banana Smoothie Gum. Yep. I’m the reason they have those things at the checkout.

Then when I arrive home my wife will say, “Oh thanks for going grocery shopping! That’s so great! What did you get? Nevermind…I’ll go again tomorrow.

Next prompt: When you are late to something, what is usually the reason?

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

One response »

  1. Dan says:

    usually when i’m late it’s because i’m doing something else that’s totally meaningless, and i look at the clock and think, “oh, i’ve still got time. i don’t need to leave til ____.”

    and so it goes for a few more times til i think, “crap. i still need to get ready and now i only have ____ minutes to do it!!”

    and that’s also why i’m constantly in a hurry and annoyed with other drivers when i’m driving. it’s a miracle i don’t get tickets.

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