December 21, 2009

I’m ready to have some fun. Let’s have as much fun with this as Ashton Kutcher does with a Coolpix camera in an art gallery. I can’t believe he was getting away with so much tomfoolery and hijinks. Art galleries are so uptight, unlike Ashton Kutcher.

For the last prompt I asked: When you’re late, what is usually the reason?

I’ll use Dan’s answer:

“usually when i’m late it’s because i’m doing something else that’s totally meaningless, and i look at the clock and think, “oh, i’ve still got time. i don’t need to leave til ____.”

and so it goes for a few more times til i think, “crap. i still need to get ready and now i only have ____ minutes to do it!!”

and that’s also why i’m constantly in a hurry and annoyed with other drivers when i’m driving. it’s a miracle i don’t get tickets.”

I used to have a knack for getting out of speeding tickets, but I don’t anymore apparently. I just got a failure to signal lane change ticket.

Here are my tips for getting out of a speeding ticket:

Act naive. When the officer comes to your door have your mouth slightly open in order to bear resemblance to a child who is thirsty after chasing a precocious puppy around.

-Nonverbally communicate your understanding of the weight of your transgressions. Hunch your shoulders with a slightly pained expression in your eyebrows.

Make up a good story about where you were going, without being over the top. The novice will make up a lie that is over the top. Instead of saying that you were on your way to put out the fire of a local orphanage, say you were on your way to your cousin Tammy’s apartment to baby sit her red headed adopted children. It’s basically the same story, just more believable.

Work finely chosen buzz words into the conversation. “My daughter Grace called and I lost track of speed. I had to let her off the phone. It’s cold, do you think it’s going to warn up soon? These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

Control your stereo, control the mood. Have your stereo on slightly playing music you have selected as soundtrack for this occasion. It’s probably best if you have a CD made just for this situation at the ready. Avoid ‘Ring of Fire’ or any Johnny Cash song for that matter. Avoid Ice-T’s ‘Cop Killer.’ Even, Gloria Estefan’s ‘The Rhythm is Gonna Get You.’ The cop may empathize with the rhythm and not you. Choose instead more mellow music, for instance Jon Secada. No one has ever been arrested with Jon Secada music playing in the background. ‘You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt would be good, but may give the wrong impression. If you want something more peppy I would go with ‘Party in the USA’ by Miley Cyrus as everyone secretly likes that song.

Get into a conversation that will distract the officer. “Hey, how about that Susan Boyle? Touching. Did you see her first performance? The whole crowd was judging her, but by the end they were cheering. Reminds me of this situation right now.”

Act like you think the cop is a doctor. Open up to the cop asking about communicable diseases you may or may not have. “Look at this rash, officer. Do you think it’s scabies? I think it’s probably scabies. It’s contagious right? What does it mean if your uvula is swollen?

Don’ts:

-Not have pants on

-Question their mustache choice

-Try to suck anything up your nose before the cop walks up, no matter how innocent it is.

-Mention your love of Paul Blart, Mall Cop, no matter how much you loved it.

-Compliment the officer. This is a dead give away for guilt. Saying, “I thought Steve Guttenberg was the last good looking cop out there,” will not help your case.

-Question why they have a laptop in their car, but you can’t even text.

-Ask what the symptoms are for someone who is on meth and then act like  you are trying to hide said symptoms.

Next prompt: What is the best Christmas present you are giving someone else?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Matt says:

    A pizza stone. These are marvelous, because not only can you bake a pizza on it, but also fish sticks, and they won’t stick to the stone as badly as they do a cookie sheet and they get much more evenly done.

  2. allan says:

    i got you a ticket on the first civilian flight to the moon.

  3. Amanda says:

    A steak brand with their initials. Now whenever they make a steak (or any kind of grilled meat, really) they can brand it so we all know who cooked it.

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