December 29, 2009

I’m back at a computer. I got back in from the land called simply, Iowa, last night. Christmas is so great. I love seeing family and friends. I even love seeing the people that you kind of know. I think that awkwardness doesn’t have to be a bad thing, in fact, it can be a welcome thing. Next time you’re talking to someone you don’t want to be talking to and you want to leave, stay awhile. Breathe in the feeling. They say when you’re nervous to try to imagine the people in their underwear. I say, imagine yourself in their underwear, and imagine the conversation you would have to have to make it happen.

For the last prompt I asked: What is the best Christmas present you are getting someone else?

I’ll use Amanda’s answer:

“A steak brand with their initials. Now whenever they make a steak (or any kind of grilled meat, really) they can brand it so we all know who cooked it.”

That is definitely not something that someone would think to get themselves, so it is perfect for a gift, unless the person is a vegetarian. It’s better than getting someone a box of chocolates. Forrest Gump said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” I say, “Life is like a box of chocolates, there’s a legend on the underside of the top box, but you can’t ever tell if it’s right-side up, so you try to judge by the shape of the outline of the individual chocolate, but you can’t tell, because the rows are apparently symmetrical, so you just close your eyes and pick one, which is fine, unless you’re deathly allergic to nuts, in which case it is a life or death choice, thanks a lot Russell-Stover.”

Nearby, there are a couple of Russell Stover outlets. Has anyone complained about the outrageous price of candy? What prompted this? What is different about their candy than you would would see on the full price shelves? Maybe you’ve been there and you know what is going on inside, but I have no idea. I know what candy is and I know what outlet stores are, but I’ve never known the two to be married. I picture melted chocolates, candy that has been sitting on a dashboard for weeks, and warm gum from someone’s pocket.

Here is a list of stores that don’t make sense to me:

Batteries Plus. Really? A store, just for batteries? That is like having an extension cord store. “Welcome to Three Prong Night, we’re have a 30% off sale on orange.” What kind of crazy, specific, futuristic batteries do they have that I can’t find somewhere else?

ally. It’s a bank. They have weird commercials out right now. I’m okay with weird commercials, what I have a problem with is the name and the font they use. It looks less like a bank and more like a Lifetime movie name. “ally. She was divorced, she was betrayed. One woman’s journey to find her child, and herself along the way.”

Jared. I don’t care that he went to Jared. At all. Since when do you name a jewelry store after a fourteen year old boy?

Best Buy. You know how most advertising is just trying to convince you that you are lacking something and if you just had their product you would be happy? You know how advertisers try to hide that in their ads through cool imagery and whatnot? Best Buy, decided, “Hey, let’s just come out with it, and now their slogan is, “You, Happier.” Thank you Best Buy, this USB cord was the tipping point.

White House | Black Market. Why would you ever include Black Market in your name? Is there really a black market for over-priced cardigans? It sounds more like a plotline for 24.

Radio Shack. We sell the same things as the electronics department at Wal-Mart, only we’re outside.

Victoria’s Secret. Even as a married guy, I still feel weird walking by in the mall. As a guy you host a conversation in your head as you walk by. “Just be normal. Please. Just be normal. I glance in the other stores as I go buy, so I should glance now, because if I don’t glance it will look weird, it will look like I’m trying not to look. If I stare I’ll look creepy. So, it’s a deal, I’ll glance. Oh crap, I just made eye contact with a woman in the store, I think I stared too long. Why aren’t my legs moving? I’ve stopped moving and I’m just staring. Be cool, don’t be creepy. Say something witty, ‘My wife wears underwear sometimes too!’ Run, please run.”

Build A Bear. Something sinister about that place.

Next prompt: What was the best thing you heard someone else say over Christmas?

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

4 responses »

  1. Amanda says:

    My dad lost his CD with Iron Butterfly’s 17-minute version of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida on it. So, my mom got him a new one for Christmas. He went downstairs to listen to it on his new surround sound system. Towards the end I heard him tell my mom, “Next time we should get LSD before we listen to this!” (I feel the need to add that he was totally kidding, but it was funny to hear from all the way upstairs.)

  2. Katie says:

    “I need pop.” This was mumbled by a dazed 3-year-old as she walked like a zombie across the living room toward a cooler of Mountain Dew, kicking any Christmas presents that got in her way. The kid did not need pop.

  3. allan says:

    “where do they find you? everyone here is so nice, you have to tell me where they find you!” spoken by a mother being buckled into a large plastic jellyfish. yes, i worked on cheistmas, and i have incredible stories.

  4. Shanners says:

    My sister told me this was the best quote she heard on Christmas: “I’m so full, I’m going to have to go…dream about jogging.” The person who said that wishes to stay anonymous – because it’s true. I will say, though, that the person who said that spent Christmas day at both her mom’s and in-laws homes, who both serve the most amazing food on Christmas.

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