January 5, 2010

Remember, the show is Friday night at 10:15! Check out the awesome guests lined up———->>>>>>

I’m experimenting with typing this while I’m outside. It’s cold, but I’m surviving. I’ve got a hoodie on. I’m lying. Now is the time of year where I’m just getting back into the swing of things at work. The last two weeks surrounding the holidays are pretty laid back. Now, however, is when I take a minute and I say to myself, “Alright, it’s time to buckle down, Jeff. Concentrate. Stop it. Concentrate.” It’s an ongoing battle.

For the last prompt I asked: What are some quotes you heard over Christmas?

I’ll use Allan’s answer:

““where do they find you? everyone here is so nice, you have to tell me where they find you!” spoken by a mother being buckled into a large plastic jellyfish. yes, i worked on cheistmas, and i have incredible stories.”

Working on Christmas has to be the worst, it’s interacting with crazy people, so I guess it’s the same as seeing family, only they’re strangers. Working on Cheistmas is probably even worse. On a side note, one of my biggest accomplishments of 2009 was figuring out when to use it’s and when to use its once and or all. This was exciting for me because before I would have to just guess and I never felt comfortable with that.

Back to the post. That lady sounds like the type of lady that would write a letter to a company about her experience. In fact, I was able to track down the letter she wrote about her experience. Here it is:

December 26, 2009

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing to tell you about my experience shopping in your Target store on Christmas day in Modesto, CA. Why, you may ask, was I shopping on Christmas day? Is it because I don’t believe the Messiah has come yet, and don’t celebrate the holiday? Is it because I am a bad mother? Or, is it simply because I didn’t have time to shop for gifts ahead of time given the fact that I am a single mother of four, working at Verizon Wireless, and attending the University of Phoenix in the evenings, while still managing to TiVo all of season 1 of the Fringe? That wouldn’t have anything to do with it, would it?

Sorry, sometimes the bitterness just wells up. According to Oprah, there is a Secret in the universe and it turns out that it wants to make me happy, if only I want the same thing. So, there I was in Target in Modesto, CA on Christmas morning, or as my former in-laws say, Cheistmas morning. I say it’s time to take the Cheist out of Christmas. I was with my youngest child, Sophie, because she’s still young enough that she doesn’t know what Christmas is.

We walked into the store and I started out in the Jr. Miss section looking for something appropriate for my daughter, Katelyn, who is 12 going on 24. From there we went to the electronics section to search for something Tommy would enjoy, that has little to no risk of getting him electrocuted again. The poor thing has lost the ability to grow hair on his head, since the incident in May.

I turned the corner and found myself in the toy aisle when I saw the perfect gift for little Rebecca, a giant plastic jellyfish. The girl loves anything maritime. Last Halloween she dressed up as a longshoreman. The other kids were princesses and cowboys, and Rebecca comes out dressed like a longshoreman complete with boots and slicks and a nasty attitude. So, when I saw the giant plastic jellyfish, I knew it was meant for her. Priced modestly at $24.95, I had to check it out. It turns out it’s something that you get buckled into and wear around. It’s like a ride and a costume all rolled into one, but you know that.

As I was getting buckled in, one of your employees came up to me. He was a kind man of slight build, going by the name Allan. Really, this is why I write. He could not have been more helpful. I was having trouble making it past the stingers to get into the cradle part of the apparatus (who knew the stingers were live. Ouch!). With a kindness in his eyes and a strength far surpassing his appearance, he gently lifted me into the cradle. I tell you, that giant plastic jellyfish is a hoot!

Well, it was a hoot at first. Immediately, my psychosomatic nervous system reminded me that I’m extremely claustrophobic, due to an incident with a homemade rocketship when I was 8. I screamed like a housecat stuck in a blender. Apparently, I also lost control of my bodily functions, and my muscles. I imagine it looked like someone had harpooned a jellyfish in the wild, only nastier. Allan, was quite the gentleman as he coolly stepped past the fluids and unbuckled me, liftly me out of the contraption and into housewares. As you can imagine this was quite the embarassment, but you would never know it to look at Allan. His khakis were soiled, but his heart pure.

In my terror I could only think to say to Allan, “Where did they find you? Everyone here is so nice. You have to tell me where they find you.” Allan simply replied, “It’s not me, it’s the spirit of Christmas.” With that he disappeared! Probably back to customer service. What could have been a horrifying, wet, spastic Christmas morning turned into a Christmas miracle. I had a wonderful time with my kids as we were reminded about the spirit of Christmas. Christmas doesn’t have to come in a red coat and a white beard. Sometimes, it comes in a red polo and soiled beyond repair khakis.


Brenda Frederickson

Next prompt: What were you doing at 7:30 pm last night?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

5 responses »

  1. Jason says:

    I was eating a hamburger patty covered in Worcestershire sauce.

  2. Suge says:

    I just heard your rap song Pizza and Applesauce, and I think you could be on to something. Certainly not something that’s good to eat, but still…

    Thing is, I’m looking for the next big thing. So how much do you weigh? Get back to me. Peace.

  3. Katya says:

    I was walking around downtown Vancouver, BC. Beautiful city!

  4. Amanda says:

    I was eating leftover spaghetti while reading People Magazine.

  5. Shanners says:

    I was finishing my half eaten dinner that I had to leave to take my daughter to dance. Nothing too exciting. 🙂

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