February 19, 2010
Hello my friends. I’m a little groggy today because I stayed up to watch the men’s free style figure skating. I think that they should shut the lights off for the figure skating and have the skaters just have LED lights all over their body. This would look very cool. The only problem would be that the skaters couldn’t see if it was dark, so you give them night vision goggles. This would make them look like flamboyant Robocops, which would be even cooler.
For the last prompt I asked: What is your second most annoying habit?
I didn’t get any answers, so I will use a spam comment that got caught by the spam filter, by somebody named Elgepq:
I think that may have been written by a flamboyant Robocop skater. How do I respond to that? I’m too scared to click on the links for fear that I will get a virus and I don’t know what the combination letters means at any point in the comment.
Here is how I imagine the first meeting where a company decides that they are going to implement spamming in their business model.
Conference room in Modesto, CA
Boss: Thank you all for joining me here today, I know you’re really busy. Here’s the deal, our sales are down, and we just got a huge shipment of Viagra that’s burning a hole in the warehouse shelves. We need to come up with ideas.
Alexander: Where did they come from?
Boss: That’s not important, but if you must know, Mexico.
Alexander: But, boss, isn’t that illegal? We sell paper.
Boss: Wrong. We did sell paper, starting now we sell college diplomas on that paper. Oh, and yeah, Viagra too.
Ryan: Shouldn’t we go through the FDA?
Boss: We’re taking the company in a different direction.
Alexander: Really, what’s that?
Boss: You know how before we used to spend money on advertising, and promotion, sales force, customer service, and job training?
Alexander: Yeah, I’m one of those salespeople.
Boss: Not anymore. Now you’re a Bulk Electronic Media Specialist.
Alexander: What does that mean?
Boss: You know how you’ve always wanted to impact a lot of people’s lives? Now you’ll have the chance. You’ll meet millions of people a day. You’re a spammer now.
Alexander: So I’m going to be e-mailing all day? Why would strangers open an e-mail from me?
Boss: I know, I know, it doesn’t sound like it makes sense. You see, I went to DeVry and you didn’t so you’ll just have to trust me on this one. We’ll send it out to millions of people and we only need a few hundred to click on the e-mail.
Ryan: Yeah, but why would anybody click on it?
Boss: They’re bored. They’re bored with their lives and they wish they were something bigger, something more. They think that by clicking on an e-mail they’ll find the something more that they’ve been looking for.
Ryan: So we’ll just get crazy people?
Boss: Now you’re starting to understand. Crazy people buy Viagra from a paper company that got a surprise shipment of crates of blue tablets on their loading dock that through a not-soon-forgotten uncomfortable afternoon the boss concluded was not candy.
Alexander: Yeah, but won’t people have spam filters that weed out words like Viagra?
Boss: Dang it guys, you’re not capturing the vision. I’ve already thought of that. We never directly spell out Viagra. Instead of an e-mail that says, “Get Cheap Viagra!” It will say, Get c$h—eap V((((i@gr’a. Did you see that? Viagra is hidden in there! It’s brilliant! People will have a backpack full of Viagra on their doorstep before they know it.
Alexander: We’re shipping it to them in backpacks?
Boss: No. Ryan is delivering them in backpacks.
Boss: Yes. Remember last year we had the Backpacks for Kids program where people donated backpacks to go to needy children at the start of the school year? I kept them! I didn’t know why I was keeping them at the time, but sometimes the universe just smiles on one of your plans.
Alexander: Won’t people get ticked off at our e-mails?
Boss: Yes! They will be more angry than a geriatric at a bankrupt pudding factory.
Boss: Confusing, right? That’s the name of the game. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a business plan!
Next prompt: Who was your first crush?