February 26, 2010

So, I just disappeared for a week. It’s difficult when you have a job. If my only job was keeping the basement clean enough for my mom to have a path to the laundry, I could be a prolific blogger. Tonight I will be in Columbia at the True/False Film Festival. It is just about my favorite thing ever, you should come. To all of the people looking to burgle me, I will have a house sitter who is an ex-con, martial arts instructor with pink eye.

For the last prompt I asked: Who was your first crush?

I will use Heather’s answer:

“Shaggy. And, no, he was not a pot smoker, so don’t even go there.”

Very interesting, Heather, especially considering that he was a cartoon. They say your first crush helps mold your idea of an ideal mate later in life. So, what you are searching for at this point is a two dimensional man in a van. That is coincidental that you mentioned Shaggy after I referenced Matthew Lillard in a post just last week, who played the real life Shaggy in the unforgettable live action Scooby Doo movies. The Matthew Lillard fan club has to be very excited right now.

I am jealous of Shaggy in the sense that he had a talking dog as a friend. I did actually watch Scooby Doo a lot as a child. I often wish my dogs could talk.

Here is a conversation I would like to have with my dog, Sammy.

Jeff: Hey, Sammy. How are you today? Have you been a good dog?

Sammy: Yeah, you know. I just laid around the house while you were gone, nothing too big.

Jeff: Good. Nothing else? I was gone a long time at work.

Sammy: Ha, well, yeah. I did watch some Tyra and a little bit of the Steve Wilkos show.

Jeff: I’ve heard of Tyra, and I’m appropriately ashamed of you, but what is the Steve Wilkos show?

Sammy: He used to be the head “security” guy on The Jerry Springer Show, now he has his own show.

Jeff: Why would he get a show? Why would anyone watch it?

Sammy: I don’t know. I’m not in charge of programming at the CW. It’s not very good though.

Jeff: So, nothing else…nothing at all?

Sammy: Nope, how was your day?

Jeff: It was pretty good. I got some work done. I worked out after work for awhile, I saw some funny videos online…

Sammy: Wow, cool. Any videos I might know about?

Jeff: Wait, you didn’t let me finish. I talked to my mom for awhile, and, oh yeah, I didn’t pee on any furniture. That’s about it.

Sammy: Well, good for you. Sounds like a full day.

Jeff: Did you catch the last one? I didn’t pee on any furniture.

Sammy: Yeah, I suppose that’s good. Your boss would have been mad.

Jeff: Yeah, I think any human would have been really mad.

Sammy: Yep.

Jeff: Sammy! You peed on the side of the couch and on the carpet below the couch!

Sammy: What?

Jeff: It wasn’t me! I was gone! Plus I would have had to be lying down to hit it at that angle! I don’t pee when I’m lying down Sammy!

Sammy: Jeff…

Jeff: Anymore!

Sammy: Okay, fine. I did it. What do you want me to say? I did it. I did it. What do you expect of me? You load me up on water day and night, you leave me in a confined space, you never taught me to use the toilet. You tell me what my options are.

Jeff: You can’t do it. It’s just unacceptable.

Sammy: Okay Mr. Big Man. Have you ever been in the situation where your driving on a trip and you just have to go, you really have to go, but you don’t know when the next exit is. You finally pull off and run to the bathroom only to find that it is locked, so you thought you were going get some relief only to find out that someone snuck in before you who had had eleven burritos and a frosty? Do you know that physical and mental agony? I think you know what I’m talking about. You been there?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Sammy: I haven’t. I can’t drive.

Jeff: So what’s your point?

Sammy: What’s your point?

Jeff: You can’t pee on the furniture.

Sammy: Then you have to get me a doggy door.

Jeff: Oh great, here we go again.

Sammy: You brought it up. All of the dogs I know have one. They can just go in and out as they please.

Jeff: They’re really expensive.

Sammy: More expensive than an upholstery cleaning bill?

Jeff: Maybe not.

Sammy: Good. It’s settled, get me a doggy door.

Jeff: Wait, I haven’t decided that.

Sammy (lifting his leg): You sure?

Jeff: That’s not fair

Sammy: Eh? eh? What do you think pretty boy?

Jeff: Alright, fine. Fine. I’ll get you a doggy door.

Sammy: Yes! Yes! Sammy’s gonna party, Sammy’s gonna party! Can I invite that yellow lab over?

Jeff: She’s twice your size.

Sammy: That’s how I like ’em.

Jeff: Good. This will be solved once and for all by both of us coming together with a conversation. This is how it is supposed to work.

Sammy: Jeff. One more thing.

Jeff: Okay.

Sammy: I pooped in your Roo’s.

Next prompt: What will you do as your first activity on Saturday?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

5 responses »

  1. Jenn says:

    Tomorrow I will wake up in a hotel that is a very nice hotel, but one that does not offer complimentary continental breakfast. How does a hotel get a three-star rating and 5.0 out of 5.0 costomer points on Expedia without a continental breakfast? It must have a killer in-room coffee pot. So besides the activity of waking up, I will make 4 cups of complimentary coffee in a really great little coffee pot.

  2. Katie says:

    I’ll be getting new tags for my license plates and a new driver’s license. I always wait until the last possible moment of the month to do this, so I’m always waiting in a long line. But observing and eavesdropping on the stressed-out people around me is worth the hassle.

  3. sarahj83 says:

    see a movie at TrueFalse in Columbia. whatwhat!

  4. Shanners says:

    The first thing I will do is say “bye” to Hubby and son who will be heading to True/False very early in the morning. When I wake up again much later, I will eat cereal for breakfast – which I look forward to every Saturday (because I cook breakfast all other mornings). After that, I will go watch my brother’s swim meet and cheer for him (and sneeze a lot because I’m allergic to chlorine and out of Zyrtec). Lastly, I’m taking my daughter to Build a Bear! This will by my busiest Saturday in a while. Lots of fun to be had. 🙂

  5. Jenn says:

    Edit to previous post: The first thing I really did this morning was answer the phone while I was still asleep. It was my mom, telling me that my 4-year-old, who I’d left with her overnight so I could enjoy the nice hotel, puked her guts out at 4:30 a.m. Rise and shine…time to go home early. No coffee from the incredible pot for me this morning.

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