Thursday, March 11th

If you missed Friday’s show, then you weren’t there. That means you missed Susan Sommer-Luarca telling cool stories and giving me a painting, and you missed Shawn Matthews giving me a “Comedy and Magic” t-shirt, you missed Brother Wiley rocking the place, and finally you missed your chance to see me on stage in my underwear and separately with a mustache. So, maybe it was good that you missed it. The people who were there are still rubbing their eyes with steel wool trying to undo things that can’t  be undone.

For the last prompt I asked, “What is your favorite thing about the internet?”

I will use Matt’s answer:

It was made for (and mostly by) geeks who like baseball and overtly complicated TV shows, like Lost.”

Things that geeks make generally turn out pretty well. You want geeks making your things. Pretty people don’t make good things, except babies. Pretty people make reality TV shows, which unless we can figure out a new advertising structure so networks can have money to fund smart shows, we’re stuck with. I am a Lost fan and I have to admit it would be pretty cool if one episode of Lost was a reality TV show, complete with confessionals and back stabbing. Or do you know what would be even better? What if events from history were filmed as a reality TV show?

The Continental Congress 2

Sweeping shot, with whooshing noises, alternately in slow motion and sped up of the exterior of Independence Hall. The members of the second continental congress are hanging out.

John Adams (confessional): “We’re supposed to be convening three days ago and the delegates from Pennsylvania aren’t even here. It’s in their state, how hard can it be?”

Samuel Adams (confessional): ” It’s just rude if you ask me.”

The delegation arrives from Pennsylvania, stumbling in obnoxiously. the other delegates look at them with contempt.

John Adams (confessional): “Oh great, Benjamin Franklin is drunk”

Montage shots of Benjamin Franklin giving raspberries to others, giving high fives, and rubbing his butt on people.

Benjamin Franklin (confessional): “I don’t know why these other guys are here, but I came to have fun. You’re only 60 once bi*****!”

Franklin falls out of the shot.

A shot of the interior of the front door.

Thomas Jefferson (voiceover): “We got up and we got some Uncle Sam Mail.”

Shot of Jefferson running to the door in his old timey pajamas and opening a letter.

Everyone: “What does it say? What does it say?”

Jefferson(reading aloud): “Delegates. You’ve shown that you believe in freedom, but freedom requires working together. So, grab your quills and your ink, your challenge today is to start work on the opening of the declaration.”

The men jump up and down squealing. They run to their rooms to change clothes.

The men have gathered in the Assembly Room

Jefferson: “We’ve got the life and liberty down. What is going to come next?”

Roger Sherman: “Does it have to rhyme?”

Jefferson: “No, it doesn’t have to rhyme. That’s stupid. It’s not a poem, it’s a declaration.”

Sherman (mocking): That’s stupid. It’s not a poem it’s a declaration.”

Alernating shots of Sherman and Jefferson staring each other down. It appears as though the stares are just edited from various points in the night.

John Hancock (confessional): “Oooh, there is some bad blood brewing.”

Thomas Paine: “What about life, liberty, and loveliness?”

Jefferson: “That’s not quite it, but we’re getting there.”

Franklin: “How about, life, liberty, and the pursuit of wenches? Hahahahahah! Good one Franks!”

Jefferson: “Come on guys.”

Hancock (confessional): Jefferson’s walking around like he owns the place, like he’s the only one in charge. He is getting on my N-E-R-V-E-S!”

Sherman: How about, life, liberty, and the pursuit of puberty?”

Jefferson: “It doesn’t have to rhyme! That doesn’t even really rhyme!”

Jefferson leaps over the table to attack Sherman. Everyone else jumps in trying to separate the two.

Sherman: “You want a piece? You want a piece? I’m from Connecticut baby! Where I come from declarations rhyme! You don’t want none of this!”

Jefferson: “Oh yeah? I will shove this quill down your Connecticut.”

Samuel Adams (confessional): “Oh, it is on!”

Franklin (confessional): “Heeheeheehee”

Franklin falls out of the shot.

Jefferson: “Fine, I’ll just do it myself. Fine.”

Later, all the men are gathered for the bayonet ceremony. At the front of the room stands Chris Harrison, the host of ‘The Bachelor’

Harrison: “Gentlemen, you know that you are gathered here because we have to eliminate somebody. Someone will have to go home and go back to working the hard, unforgiving land back at their homestead. first, let’s find out how the day went. Let’s start with you Thomas Jefferson.”

Jefferson: “I’m just trying to do my job and nobody else seems to be taking this seriously. This is a big deal, we’re talking about our declaration of independence and I felt like I was the only one working.”

Sherman: “Pssshaww”

Harrison: “Roger Sherman, you have something to say?”

Sherman: “It’s not a declaration if it doesn’t rhyme, and Jefferson doesn’t seem to think so, but I guess that’s just how it go, you know.”

Harrison: “Stop rhyming.”

Shot of Franklin doing a beer bong in the corner with the help of Samuel Adams

Franklin: “When are we getting in the hot tub? Everyone always ends up in a hot tub!”

Harrison: “You have all voted, and unfortunately, one of you will be leaving us and will be forever lost to history.”

Harrison: “John Witherspoon, come get your bayonet, you’re here for another week.”

Witherspoon approaches Harrison and Harrison stabs a bayonet between Witherspoon’s arm and chest. Witherspoon pretends to be stabbed and joyously stands behind Harrison. There is a montage of other delegates receiving their bayonets.

Harrison: “We have only one bayonet left and two delegates. Jefferson and Sherman please stand. Jefferson, you’ve done a good job of taking control, but have you taken too much control? Sherman, you clearly can’t distinguish between a declaration of independence and a limerick. Gentleman, the last bayonet goes to…”

Commercial break

Voiceover: “Have you been hassled because your man-wig is out of date, out of style, and probably made from horse hair? Do you know what it is like to be ridiculed at the local tavern or black smith shop? Is it time for a change? Then let Arthur Middleton help you. Arthur Middleton has been in the man-wig business since 1688 using only the finest hairs cut from real dead people and then bleached and powdered. Come to Middleton’s Man-Wig Emporium, located on the street in the town.”

Harrison: “Gentlemen, the last bayonet goes to……… Thomas Jefferson. I’m sorry Roger Sherman, you are lost to history. People will only vaguely remember you, barely.”

Sherman storms off

Sherman: “You’ll regret this! If you only knew the real me, you would see, the biggest gift would be from me.”

Harrison: “Stop rhyming.”

Sweeping shot of Independence Hall at night. The final window candle is blown out.

Next prompt: What is annoying you right now?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. Tiffany says:

    Nothing! I’m working from home, so that makes everything all better. The only thing is that I’m a tightwad, so my house is freezing cold. Stupid utility bill.

  2. Amanda says:

    My alternating stuffy/runny nose is really annoying me. I don’t get sick that much though, so I guess I gotta take my turn when it comes.

    What is NOT annoying me is this post – it was hilarious!

    And yes, I am somewhat scarred by seeing you in your boxers at the Mystery Hour last weekend. I hope that doesn’t make things awkward between us on the Artsfest committee. And thanks for telling my boyfriend that I can’t take his last name if we get married. I had already told him that and I think he’s bummed about it.

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