April 15, 2010
Remember to prepare your taxes, or your getaway car, today. I’m overdue on Things I’ve Noticed from the past couple of shows, so here you go, from the past two shows, it’s Things I’ve Noticed!
-That Luke Wilson has become the neighbor that you hate because he always pops in your living room unexpectedly telling you about how his stuff is better than yours.
-That sometimes I want to feel like I’m living on the edge, but I’m afraid to get in trouble, so I’ll go into Walgreens and steal unactivated gift cards.
-That I’m so acclimated to e-mail that when it’s my turn to talk in a group, I start by saying, “reply all.”
-That I felt like an idiot because I got into a car accident while texting, but I also felt pretty good about it because I managed to send a text saying, “Oh no, I’m about to t-bone that Corolla.”
-That I change everyone’s name in my cell phone to famous people’s names so if I lose my phone the person who finds it will think I’m important.
-That I thought about buying a truck, but it seemed too expensive, so instead I just made a t-shirt that said, “I’ll help you move.”
-That they say you should, “live like you’re dying,” but I think that depends on what you’re dying from…If I’m dying from violent diarrhea, I’ll pass.
That if I put a helmet on for any reason, there is a 98% chance that the idiot next to me will hit my head and giggle.
-That you need some sort of specialized GPS to find the silverware drawer in someone else’s kitchen.
-That if you work at Shoe Carnival, you are a shoe carnie.
-That I was closing my closet door the other day and I could hear my alligator skin boots making fun of my Crocs.
-That no matter how tough you are, it is impossible to look intimdating while holding an ice cream cone.
-That in order to gain street cred, I’m changing my name to Tyler Perry’s Jeff Houghton