April 23, 2010

There are things to think about right now. Secret things. I’m cryptic, like a Facebook status.

I just got my music booked for the next Mystery Hour on May 7th. They are a group called Stills and Grant and are two members of the four person Branson a capella group called Cat’s Pajamas. They can sing, like really well. They sing as well as I don’t sing.

I have two short films showing at the Moxie this weekend as part of SATO-48, the 48 hour film challenge. You buy a ticket for $5 and you get to see 10 films (5 min each). Go out, be entertained, support local arts. Here is a trailer for one of the films. It is a musical, and, no, it’s not me singing in it. It is Grant, from Stills and Grant. Full circle.

For the last prompt I asked, what is your significant other’s most annoying habit?

I will use Amanda’s answer:

“Ryan snores. I am a very light sleeper. This causes problems.”

I used to be a snore-er, but then I kicked the habit. By kicked the habit I mean I had sinus surgery. My wife is a light sleeper as well and most of the time she is awake and jealous as I sleep soundly next to her. I feel really bad for light sleepers. It is not their fault, but it is a real handicap. Oh, wait…what is that?…do you guys feel that?…that sensation…it’s a weird sensation coming over my whole body…yep…I feel another According to Jim Lost Episode coming on…yep…that is what that feeling is…

According to Jim: Episode 2

The show opens with the family sitting around the kitchen table eating cereal. Cheryl looks particularly tired.

Jim: Honey, what is it? You seem down.

Cheryl: I’m tired, you kept me up all night.

Jim: I don’t remember that.

Cheryl: You wouldn’t, you were sleeping the whole time

Jim: Well, then why were you up all night?

Cheryl: Because you sleep like a mouth-breathing dinosaur trying to eat a jar of peanut butter. I’m lethargic.

(laugh track)

Jim: How can you say that I’m a dinosaur when you just called yourself a lethargisaurus or something.

(double laugh track)

Cheryl: Jim, it’s letharg–nevermind. I have to speak to the PTA tomorrow and now I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it.

(shot cuts to Jim hanging out in the garage with the buddies in his band.)

Andy: What’s wrong Jim? You’re not hitting your notes like you usually do.

Jim: Yeah? How ’bout I hit you?

(triple laugh track)

Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy there big fella. You just went after me like a t-rex to a cow.

Jim: I’m not the dinosaur!

(quadruple laugh track)

Andy: What?

Jim: I’m sorry, I’m on edge. I’m on edge because Cheryl’s on edge, because of my snoring, which I can’t help, but I need to because of the PTA, Cheryl’s not sleeping, and now I’m laying awake because she’s not sleeping, no one’s sleeping, and I’m not sleeping around, stupid PTA

Andy: Okay, I think I got some of that.

Jim: Andy, you gotta help me. We need to figure out a way for me to not snore anymore.

Andy: Have you tried sleeping on your side?

Jim: Yep

Andy: How about a nasal strip that opens your passages?

Jim: Yep

Andy: How about sleeping with a goat?

Jim: What?

(quintuple laugh track)

Andy: I don’t know, I heard it works somewhere in Asia

Jim: I’m not sleeping with a goat…but wait a minute. Andy, old buddy, old pal…

Andy: I don’t like where this is headed…

Jim: How about you stay under the bed tonight, and anytime I start to snore, you reach up and hit me.

Andy: What’s in it for me?

Jim: I’ll give you a month’s supply of ho-ho’s.

(even more laugh track)

Andy: You know my weakness.

Jim: Yes, and it’s very soft.

(the next scene opens in a dark room with Jim and Cheryl in bed)

Jim (whispering): Stop it!

Andy: You stop it

(Andy is laying under the bed as the two slap hands at the side of the bed)

Cheryl: Jim, what’s going on?

Jim: Nothing honey, nothing

Cheryl: Jim, I can’t sleep. You know what I like to do when I can’t sleep and I’m feeling amorous…

(shot of Andy looking shocked)

Jim: No, honey, not tonight

Cheryl: Well, that’s a first. Why?

Jim: Oh, you know. I have a headache.

Cheryl: Boy, it’s weird to be on this end of that excuse.

(shot later in the night as the two of them are sleeping)

(Jim starts to snore, an arm reaches out and smacks him in the face. He stops snoring. This happens a few more times in the night)

(shot of the bedroom in the morning. Cheryl is awake)

Cheryl: Well, I’m feeling great this morning. I feel refreshed! How are you Jim?

Jim: What? Oh…

Cheryl: Jim, what happened to your face? You look awful!

(Jim rolls over to reveal bruises and a black eye)

Jim: What? I don’t know, my face hurts.

(They hear the sound of snoring under the bed.)

Cheryl: What is that? Who is under there?

Jim: Oh, it’s nothing honey. Just stop looking

Cheryl discovers Andy, and yet again, one of their hilarious hijinx has been discovered. Jim admits to Cheryl what he has done. Cheryl is grateful, but tells Jim that he didn’t have to do that. She tells him that she came up with another solution. She says its a little bit cumbersome, but their doctor recommeded it for people with something called sleep apnea. She bends down and picks it up. It’s a big t-rex head. Oh my gosh. That ending is hilarious. Jim freaks out a little bit and then it goes to commercial. The show is over and done.

Next prompt: What do you do at work on Fridays?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

One response »

  1. albush says:

    Wow. Were you previously a writer for ‘According to Jim?’ Because that was dead on. Not that I ever watched it…
    Can’t imagine why it was ever cancelled.

    I pretty much do the same stuff at work on Fridays as on any other day, except in jeans. I usually have to look at my lap to determine if it’s a Friday or a Thursday. Yesterday (a Thursday), around four, I looked down at my lap and saw khaki. It made me sad.
    Today, I see denim, which makes me happy.

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