May 10, 2010

Did you know, the Mystery Hour webiste/blog is a year old, as of last Thursday? It’s true! I feel like I should give an acceptance speech, because this is quite an accomplishment for someone with my ability to follow through on ideas. I have the attention span of a. Neat! Here is my first post ever. 

Here are the numbers since I started on May 6, 2009:

-157 posts

-369 comments

-609 spam comments blocked. Seriously!

-4 audible chuckles from readers.

-1800 website views from people hoping this was the website for the Mystery Hour, a radio show in England.

-14,000 website views because I once mentioned a succubus, some kind of demon, that is apparently sexual, and apparently there are many who search for them, apparently all day. I miss the good old days when the internet was all about wholesomeness, and the websites had the word angel in them, like www.succubus.angelfire.com

For the last prompt I asked, “What is the name of a story or project you wrote in elementary school?

I will use Heather’s answer:

“I can’t remember exactly which grade I was in…but I gave a speech about how to identify road kill. It involved several giant pieces of paper with black marker outlines and red watercolor paint to indicate “blood spatter.” By way of disclaimer: no actual animals were harmed in the giving of the speech. Also, I swear I’m not a serial killer.”

Heather, I enjoy the fact that a lot of your comments always have two elements, an oddity that is true, and a disclaimer. We accept all people here at The Mystery Hour, whether all adolescent signs point to serial killer, or not.

Here is my best guess about how this speech went for Heather:

Mrs. Carlson: Thank you Tommy, now we know how to hog tie an intruder, thank you. Next up, we have Heather.

Heather walks to the front of the classroom.

Heather: Has everyone heard the song, “On the Road Again,” by Willie Nelson? Have you ever imagined that song from the perspective of a bloodied and crushed armadillo, or a gut spilling possum, or even an oozing feral cat? According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, roughly 32 million animals are killed every year on America’s highways.

Far too often, we drive by without even knowing what type of animal it is lying there getting torn to pieces by the bastards known as crows. How are we to educate the youth of America if a mom with a van full of kids drives by roadkill in a Mazda and says, “Look y’all it’s a beaver!?” When clearly a few simple pointers would show the mom that actually it’s a Mid-Missouri female woodchuck.

Educating the youth today about roadkill will mean a future of roadkill appreciation tomorrow. For my speech today, I will show you how to identify roadkill based on three simple criteria, and I will show you why it is important to the future of Missouri as well as America.

Sometimes, I will be in the holler and hear someone driving by roadkill say, “I can’t possibly know what type of animal that is. Or, it looks like a stuffed animal got blown up by a spaghetti sauce IED.” I say wrong. There are three major identifiers, color, shape of entrails, and taste.

1. Color. Different animals have different color skin, fur, and blood splatter. For instance, an armadillo is green, when a Mazda runs over it, the red blood comes out, making the roadkill look like a watermelon flavored Bubblicious. A skunk, of course is black and white, but did you know that the guts make a pinkish color? No, you probably didn’t uppity city folk.

2. Shape of entrails. Remember, animals don’t start out flat. It is only after repeated tires from a Mazda run over it, does it get a flat appearance. A prairie dog’s most prominent feature is it’s large intestine. It looks like if a garden hose made it with a pink lemonade Jolly Rancher. Possum’s entrails are shaped in a P shape when littered on the highway, and O’Possum’s are of course shaped like an O. The only animal that looks unrecognizeable each time is the rare feathered Lady Gaga. No one knows what the hell it is supposed to look like in the first place.

3. Taste. For the taste I will just provide you with a list.

Deer—Eggs and bananas put in a toaster oven

Skunk—Home

Black bear–Black licorice and soda that has run out of syrup

Lynx–Like a goat pooped on a geometry textbook.

Eagle–America. It is surprisingly good.

In conclusion, please remember that roadkill is an important part of society not to be overlooked. If roadkill was appreciated like our forefathers intended we wouldn’t have need for bailouts, which will probably happen in the future. Next time you are driving and you see roadkill, close your eyes, and take a moment to appreciate the majesty of it. When you open your eyes, you have hopefully crushed the Mazda in the next lane, leaving it incapable of killing again.

Mrs. Carlson: Thank you Heather, that was very…ummmm…informative. We’ll schedule an appointment for you with the school psychologist.

Next prompt: Do you have any favorite posts, or favorite types of posts from the last year?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

One response »

  1. Amanda says:

    I really enjoyed how when I read this post it was Heather’s voice in my head instead of Jeff’s. Not that I don’t like Jeff’s voice in my head. It was just fun to realize that I was reading it in Heather’s voice.

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