May 21, 2010

Happy Friday everybody. What are you up to this weekend? Oh, cool. I hope the weather holds up. Ha! It always seems to rain on the weekends, doesn’t it? Okay, I’ll go back to trying to ignore you. Well, I had my birthday on Tuesday and now, well, I’m just a 32 year old. Whenever I’m getting older I think of the phrase, “Live like you’re dying.” That’s great and all, but I think it depends on what you’re dying from.

Here is the third and final clip from my interview with the actors from Winter’s Bone:

For the last prompt I asked, “What is the best birthday present you have received?

I’ll use Amanda’s answer:

“I’m hoping my best birthday present ever will be this year from Ryan, but I won’t know til June 6… His exact words were “I found the perfect b-day gift for you!” So I have high hopes.”

Spoiler alert! It’s probably a ring, like an engagement ring. It is the only birthday present that guys actually prepare for ahead of time. I don’t know how many presents for others I have found at Walgreens. 90% of them are from the As Seen on TV section. One year I actually got my family all “Clappers.” It turns out they’re not that great, they’re too sensitive.

-The two biggies recently have been the Snuggie and the Shamwow. I own two snuggies and they are glorious. If they really wanted to grow their profits, they should combine the two. Why not a Shamwow Snuggie? It could be called a Snamwowggie. I mean the Shamwow is great a cleaning up spills, but what if you burst a pipe? You would need a lot of Shamwows. Not anymore, just put the Snamwowggie on and roll around in the tepid water. Two birds one stone. You’re comfortable, and cleaning up a spill. Just be sure not to roll on your back, it doesn’t connect. In addition, it can clean up the spills made from the inside. Not all accidents are the same, but Snamwowggie cleans them up all the same.

-How about a Slap Chop and Clapper mix? It would be called the Clap Chop, or the Slap Clap. What does it do you ask? Well, when you’re chopping away, you can simultaneously be testing to see if your children have epilepsy.

-Next is the Shake Weight and Ginsu Knife set. It’s called Imminent Danger. Now you can tone your arms while at the same time learning skills to avoid injury in a knife fight. We’ve simply taped an extremely sharp knife to the end of a shake weight. While the weight shakes, it is also stabs toward your torso. By the end you’ll be toned and hot with (hopefully) minimal flesh wounds.

-Finally, we have the Aberciser and the Rotisserie Oven. The Abtisserie! The aberciser is the revolutionary new ab exerciser that relies on electrical impuslses to stimulate your muscles rather than you needing to do any work. Sounds great, right? What if it sounded even better? Using the electrical impulses already there on the Aberciser belt, you can now roast a chicken. We have simply affixed a rotisserie oven to the front of the ab belt, did some electrical rerouting, and voila, while your muscles are toning, the chicken is getting plumper. Say you’re too busy to find the time to do this at home. Well, you can wear a shirt over the top of it! Someone may ask you, “Have you got a bun in the oven?” You can say, “Nope, but I do have a fowl!”

Next prompt: What do you have in your car that doesn’t need to be there?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

5 responses »

  1. Katie says:

    A blanket, a stack of magazines, a pair of shoes, an empty cooler, a Ziplock bag of stuff from when I cleaned out my purse so nothing embarrassing would fall out at a wedding, a dried and cracked fun noodle in the back window that I brought to Florida a year ago (and didn’t use), and most of the pieces of a giant fuzzy cat costume from last Halloween.

  2. danclair says:

    in my trunk i have a camp chair that just happens to be Steelers colors, a broken flashlight, an outdated and worse for wear atlas map, a really great frisbee, an ice scraper (not the crappy kind they sell in Springfield, but a quality Pittsburgh one–i could break a polar ice shelf apart with this thing).

    in the cockpit of my car, i have numerous water bottles in various states of emptiness scattered everywhere. i drink a lot of water at work, and all from wasteful plastic one-time-use bottles. with all of the greenhouse gases emanating from the bottles, i could break a polar ice shelf apart with these things.

  3. allan says:

    need? a pirate hat, a talking yoda and half a jug of vinegar. though i feel as though i need those items in my car; they are not there by accident. well, maybe the vinegar is an accident. . .

  4. jenksie says:

    seatbelts. i mean, whose idea?

  5. Jenn says:

    Crushed pita chips and broken, half melted crayons. ‘Tis what you get when your kids ride in your car. I try to look on the bright side…at least I drive a trashed sedan and not a trashed minivan. No offense, minivan owners.

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