Hello world! We are going back at this like a moth at my face. It’ll be annoying, and in the end you’ll swat your computer. 

Here’s a thought for you to ponder. Why aren’t lightning bugs seen as being as amazing as they are? We should reserve a lot more amazement for them. It is a bug that produces light!

Whenever someone randomly says, “That was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!” I usually say, “Have you ever seen a lightning bug? It lights up, by itself!”

Or, sometimes a guy will say, “Check out that lady’s butt, pretty nice.” I usually say, “That’s weak, it doesn’t light up. Have you ever seen a lightning bug? It’s butt lights up!”

Sometimes when I’m feeling a little down and lonely I will go into my backyard at night and imagine all the lightning bugs are paparazzi.

For the last prompt I asked, what is the last thing you drank?

I will use Jason’s answer:

“A liquid.”

This is the preferred thing to drink. Thanks, Jason. It is far worse than drinking a vapor, or a solid.

Let’s jump into this. I’m thinking about going on a float trip in a couple of weeks. If you are not from the Ozarks, you may not know what a float trip is, I believe in other areas they call it canoeing, or kayaking, or hillbillies getting drunk in a river. Yep, that’s all you do. You sit in or on something that floats and end up in a different place. It’s like sitting on a porch, only you’re in water. It’s like sitting on a chair, only you’re in water. It’s like sitting on anything, only you’re in water.

Top Sights From a Float Trip:

-A large man with the body dimensions of a toddler. You know what I mean, he is chubby, has an unusually large head, and is a little wobbly. Anything that he can grab with his hand is going into his mouth, which explains the Natural Light.  

Overalls. The Ozarks’ version of the tankini.

-Things that shouldn’t be buoyant enough to be floating are indeed floating. No, this is not the Dead Sea, the rules of water density are still the same, yet, somehow a heavy case of PBR in a a styrofoam box is floating by you with a woman, who also doesn’t seem floatable, giving chase.

Highly questionable parenting. Can Timmy make the whole trip on a piece of refrigerator cardboard? Mom and Dad are willing to give it a shot. Should Katlyn be carrying a bowstaff with her on her innertube? If she wants dinner she will.

Shades of white you didn’t know existed on humans. Easily mistaken for bioluminescent cave dwelling creatures, these are actually people who who were born above ground that way. Don’t stare. P.S. For the sake of journalistic integrity, let it be known that I include myself in this class of people.

Ozarks cleavage. see also-butt cracks

Beef Jerky. There is certainly a lot of the beef jerky snack, but Beef Jerky in this sense refers to the man. He lives nearby and was given the nickname for resemblance to the tasty treat. Long and lean, Beef Jerky stands at the bank of the river to yell at people about trespassing and immigration laws.

Turtles. If they ever got their stuff together, they could rule both land and sea. So lazy.

Dating relationships falling apart. A low-key afternoon in a canoe sound great, until you realize how much healthy communication is required to avoid rocks and branches while in a canoe together. Sure Matt seemed like a catch, now you’re hoping he will catch his shirt on a thorny branch. Soon, the romantic canoe from the beginning of the trip feels much more like a casket floating down the river Styx. “Come Sail Away?” No thanks.

Butt cracks. see also-Ozarks cleavage.

I will let you know if I have any updates after my float trip. I’m sure there will be many sights.

Next prompt: What do you like most about your car?

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

4 responses »

  1. michelle says:

    That someday soon it is going to fall apart and you’ll have to buy me a new one.

  2. arin gilbert says:

    Ha ha. Jeff this is awesome. I now am looking forward to the floating trip so much more. 🙂 I just wanna see the chubby guy with toddler arms, that and some hillbillies. That never gets old.

    I’m actually angry at my car right now. My honda hybrid transmission is going out. I used to like that I got 37 mpg, thinking I was saving money on gas, but compared to buying a new transmission seems like I didn’t save that much.

  3. Amanda says:

    I like that when I got my car back in high school (yep, still drive my first car) I named it Gwen after Gwen Stefani. I refer to her (the car, not the actual Gwen Stefani) so often that my boyfriend even calls her “Gwen Gwen.”

  4. allan says:

    there are several things i like about my car. i like that it only has two doors, giving it a clown car quality; it has traveled an average of 30000 miles per year; and it is a manual transmission giving me the ability to reenact my favorite car chase scenes at any stop light…

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