June 25, 2010

My presents went over well with the wife. That is good. I didn’t get any responses to my last prompt, so that means it’s a Friday Free For All! Just like your favorite radio station, I’ll be doing whatever I want.

So, to start, I will embed a YouTube clip that I think is really funny. You simply can’t go wrong with the Muppets.

Since I didn’t get any responses, I will simply tell you about my experience with my phone. I have a Motorola Hint, offering just a “hint” of technology. However, I like my phone. It is small. It is a slider. It has a full QWERTY keyboard that I can use with only one hand. It is square so people comment on how small it is assuming that it must be able to do a lot of cool things. They are wrong. It can call and text and that’s basically what I’m interested in. Here is my saga in three parts.

Act I

The problem started early in the week, people couldn’t hear me when I was talking to them using the Hint. So, I went into Verizon Wireless. I stood extra awkwardly. Usually, in awkward times I escape to my phone and try to tell the world, “I know people! They’re just not here right now! Lay off!” However, in a phone store that seems trite. Finally, I was called over to the counter.

Man: May I help you?

Jeff: My phone doesn’t work.

Man: What’s wrong with it?

Jeff: The phone part.

Man: More specific

Jeff: People can’t hear me when I talk

Man (after looking at the phone with a ‘huh?’ sort of expression): Yeah, that’s too bad. I don’t know what you do about that.

Jeff: That’s why I’m here.

Man: The good news is that you are eligible for our best price on a phone

Jeff: What does that mean?

Man: You can get the best price available on a phone.

Jeff: Pardon my confusion, sometimes you guys label things that actually mean the exact opposite. Like “Anytime Minutes” really means between 9:00 and 7:00. Having a structured time makes it the opposite of “Anytime.”

Man: Sir

Jeff: So when you say, “Best Price,” I hear, “Worst Price.”

Man: It means what it says.

So, I look around the store and Verizon’s game plan becomes evident to me. They are making crappy regular phones and crazy cool phones that require a data plan. It’s like a third world economy, there is no middle class.

Jeff: Do you guys have a phone that has a QWERTY keyboard, that is not super wide, where I don’t have to get a data plan?

Man: No.

Jeff: So I should just get my phone fixed.

Man: Yes, you can go down the street to Wirelss Trendz.

Act II

I venture down the street to Wireless Trendz, which I know is cool because they replaced the ‘s’ with a ‘z’. I go in. My first observation is that I wonder why any place having to do with cell phones is always really busy. Finally a guy approaches me. Due to the spelling of trendz, I know I have to appear much cooler.

Man: Hey man, can I help  you?

Jeff: Yes, my Funkytown Friend, you can. My digits ain’t working, but my Graham Bell keeps blowing up and peeps can’t hear my flow.

Man: I don’t know what you just said.

Jeff: Sorry, my amigo, I’ll lay it down for you like freon, which is to say, cool. I be spittin’ into my cellio and not gettin’ the mad props from the tweeps on the other end.

Man: You should stop it. Tell me like a person.

Jeff: My phone doesn’t work. No one can hear me.

Man: Okay, we can put a new mic in for $30.

Jeff: Neat-O, Motha Fu…

Man: Don’t say it.

Jeff: …Fumblerooski.

Later, the guy calls me and says he can’t replicate the problem, so they are going to just clean it out and only charge me $15. Great! I pick it up and talk to my dad. Things are fine, but then I start fading out and he can no longer hear me. I decide I must take it back in the next day to actually get the new mic installed.


I come back in the morning, and it’s actually not busy.

Woman: Can I help you.

Jeff: Yes! Thanks my posse…

Woman: I’m going to stop you there.

Jeff: I supposedly got my phone fixed here yesterday, but it doesn’t work.

She takes the phone back with her to the back and re-emerges a few minutes later.

Woman: Yeah, we only have a defective mic for this phone, and I don’t know when we’ll get one in.

Jeff: You were going to replace it with a mic yesterday.

Woman: Yes.

Jeff: Okay, then how do I get my money back.

Woman: You can’t do that, sir.

Jeff: But you said you would fix my phone, and it doesn’t work.

Woman: Yes.

Jeff: Then, I should get money back.

Woman: It was for the labor

Jeff: The labor that didn’t do anything to fix my phone.

Woman: Yes.

Jeff: So, I paid you guys for nothing.

Woman: Yes

Jeff: Okay, then give me a moment to give you an invoice for my gas and time. Let’s see, let me calculate on my calculator on my phone that doesn’t work. That is all it is now, a calculator. I will just charge you $7 for gas, and $8, just above minimum wage, for the hour total you have wasted of my time. Oh, look at that, it’s $15.

Woman: Sir, we won’t pay that, and it is on the back of a receipt.

Jeff: Why not?

Woman: First off, we don’t owe it to you because you didn’t do anything for us…

Jeff: Aha! So, you don’t want to pay me for nothing?

Woman: Exactly

Jeff: You fell into my trap, now you see what I’m complaining about.

Woman: I will not acknowledge that.

Jeff: I’m going home to blog about this, Soul Sista!

Next prompt: If money were no object, what would you want for your birthday?

About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. danclair says:

    if money were no object, i would totally want a helicopter for my birthday. needless to say i would have to get helicopter flying lessons to accompany this gift, but it would be worth it.

  2. Heather says:

    Well, honestly, I’d want money. But that sort of makes it the object, doesn’t it? This is a tricksy black hole of a comment.

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