July 29, 2010

I had no comments the other day. That’s cool, it means I get to write about whatever. I think it’s because I took two weeks off and readers lost faith that I will post soon. That’s okay, I understand your pain. It will take awhile to earn that trust back.

Here’s what I want to talk about today, dating tips. See, I’m a happily married man so I will never date anew again. This is fine with me. But, I have ideas. It’s like everything else in my life where I think of great things after it is too late. So, take these dating tips with a grain of salt, I was successful in snagging one wife, but not exactly a playa.

Remember, this guy will be playing the Mystery Hour Concert

Say you’ve found that someone and you’re just starting to date. Here are some tips to make it fun and lively.

Make a mix tape. Sure it’s outdated, but there is something cool about a mix tape as opposed to a mix cd or a playlist. There are too long pauses between songs, or too short pauses, or better yet, songs you record off the radio. He or she will have to probably go to a thrift store to find a suitable tape player, but that makes it even better.

-Both get Friendster accounts. It’s like going on a date to a secluded lake, there’s no one else there. It’s romantic.

-Go to little league baseball games. Each picks a team and you make a wager, not a friendly one, a cash one. If parents get suspicious, act like you are an aunt and uncle cheering for the kid in the jeans.

-Old people double date. This is not a date where you date with an old couple, although that would be awesome. This is a date where you dress like old people and do old people things. Here is a sample itinerary. 1:00 Bingo. 3:00 Supper at Heritage Cafeteria. 4:00 Drive around with your left blinker on. 5:00 Evening news. Yell at the TV. 6:00 Part ways and go to bed.

-Real estate show. Watch the real estate show on Sunday mornings trying to guess the price for each house after they show you the amenities.

-Skype while in the same room. Sure, you’re right next to each other, but it feels like you are in a romantic long distance relationship. Go by the name Diego. If your name is actually Diego, go by Chuck.

-Follow someone. Nothing brings newly dating people together like following someone else. It gives you a chance to talk without getting those pesky feelings in the way. To make it fun, use Twitter. Follow someone who uses the new feature that tells where they are all the time. Just keep showing up where they are. If confronted say you are sociologists.

-Foot massages. Not a massage for your foot. A massage using your foot. Careful though, could lead to tempting situations and the need for Tinactin on your shoulders.

Next prompt: How do you protect yourself from the sun?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

3 responses »

  1. Amanda says:

    By not going in the sun! I may be pale now but I will have beautiful skin when I’m old!

  2. allan says:

    spf 50 sunscreen for the face applied over the entirety of my body. wait for it. you’ve now imagined me naked. congratulations.

  3. sarahj says:

    these are so cute. i’m going to go eat some ice cream and cry.

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