August 23, 2010

Check out the guests for our next show! It will be a good one. Be honest, did you know that the writr/editor for all of TIME Magazine Books lives in Springfield? No? It’s true, he doesn’t like giving interviews, but he’s going to at The Mystery Hour just for you (and I blackmailed him). Plus, we’ll have animals from the zoo on again. It was a big hit once before.

I got a comment from my last post, but I got it late and I had already started on a post. Sorry Allan. You deserve to be treated better. Here, this link is just for you.

Since I did not get a comment before I started writing, I decided to do what I want. I read a lot of articles online, and nearly everytime I do so I read the comments under the article, so that I can be reminded that I have entirely too much faith in humanity. I’ve become a bit of a connoisseur of comments. People who comment on news articles generally are people who are just jerks, or people that are acting out of the worst of themselves, or are just plain crazy. This analysis excludes my beloved commenters, fyi.

The comments are often times reduced to a few categories:

-Hates the world guy. No matter what is written, he hates it. 54% of commenters

Hates hates the world guy. No matter what someone else writes, he will respond with the same vitriole toward their comment. 20%.

-Pick a fight guy. He doesn’t feel too good about his slow internet connection in his mother’s basement, so he’s just looking for a fight with anyone. 11%

Everything is politics guy. That’s what he does. 5%

-The wannabe editor. He is just looking to mock others for their typos/grammar. 6%

Personal anecdote guy. He thinks that he has insight on every story because he has a cousin who has been through everything. 2.4%

Reasonable man. Seeing a comment from reasonable man is like randomly getting a raisin in your Wheaties, it looks like it should belong, but it doesn’t. .6%

Hear is a great example. Here is an innocent article I just wrote, with a typical comment section underneath:

SPRINGFIELD, MO Penelope Henderson is a six year old whose day got a little bit brighter today. Penelope suffers from asthma and can’t get out of the house much these days. Instead, her parents brought the fun inside in the form of a puppy. Chuckles, the poodle was doing all the running while Penelope giggled with excitement. The Hendersons have an acreage just outside of town so the new puppy will have plenty of yard to run around in. As for Penelope, her asthma is doing better. Bill Henderson, her father says, “Things are looking up for us, this can only be seen as great news.”

Comments <Oldest to Newest>

omnipotence1: Looks like we have another American who will forever be reliant on handouts from others. Thanks a lot Czar Obama!

freeman86: 20 bucks that puppy came from a puppy mill. Get your act toogether Hendersons.

gagalover: I have a no-good brother who has asthma. Asthma is 90% mental. Get off the couch you waste of space.

redskins4ever: Hey, Freeman! Maybe they won’t get their act toogether because there’s no such thing. Its together. Learn to spell before you comment.

peopleloveme: Who names their kid Penelope? We wouldn’t have this problem if we had a Fair Tax…

freeman86: Redskins. I’ll fix mine when you fix yours. “Its” doesn’t make sense, there needs to be an apostrophe between the t and the s, unless of course, together is possessive, which it can’t be. I will come to your house and figt you with a tire iron and chains.

oppositeofloser: “An acreage outside of town?” Must be rich people. Meanwhile, there are circus workers looking for jobs. No one ever writes about the circus people not having jobs. First thing people cut out of their lives when the economy goes bad? Circuses. Why don’t you try covering some important news, Newspaper?

reasonable1: Wow, great story. I’m nothing but happy for that little girl. Oppositeofloser, there are different sections to the newspaper, this section doesn’t cover things like that.

weaselstheman: Who would read this article, let alone comment on it? You all are losers.

redskins4ever: You’re going to “figt” me freeman? How ’bout you Figt Newton me? Is that like fighting with a fig leaf? Your parent’s dropped you when you were a kid.

undertheradar: A six year old with a puppy? This world is going to hell in a handbasket. When I was six, I had a junebug as a pet. Now, these kids get whatever they want.

freeman86: redskins, you have no idea how apostrophes work, do you? When you put an s on a word, it doesn’t mean you have to put in an apostrophe. It’s ‘my parents dropped me as a kid.’ No apostrophe. I will fight you with only a blender and a keychain, you foul piece of crap.

reasonable1: I’m going to get off the internet and head to work.

freeman86,undertheradar,weaselstheman,omnipotence1, oppositeofloser, gagalover: Reasonable1, you are a tool in this world we created.

I like my commenters better.

Next prompt: Where will you be tonight?

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About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

7 responses »

  1. Derek says:

    In Mt. Vernon selling my baseball card collection to a guy who is trying to make up for his stepson’s deadbeat dad who sold his the kid’s collection. Craigslist saves the day!

  2. Lloyd Braun says:

    YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE ALL-CAPS GUY. HE HAS TO WRITE THIS WAY TO SHOUT OVER THE OTHER COMMENTERS AND REMIND EVERYBODY THAT NOBAMA IS A TERRORIST MUSLIM WHO WANTS TO TAKE OUR GUNS AND FREEDOM AWAY. HE WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO DO SO!!!! P.S. TONIGHT I WILL BE IN MY BASEMENT FIGHTING FOR MY LIBERTY BY LEAVING ANGRY COMMENTS ON RANDOM YAHOO ARTICLES.

  3. Brett Miller says:

    Idiot liberal.

  4. Brett Miller says:

    Conservative moron.

  5. Amanda says:

    I’m going to the back-to-school fireworks at Drury! Yes, I do realize that I graduated 4 years ago. I can still enjoy fireworks.

  6. allan says:

    well. i’ll continue to be at worl until nine…and then i’ll go home. exciting and glamorous

    • Allan says:

      worl is a fantasy realm where everything is nearly complete, but not quite. there’s always something missing and it doesn’t exactly make sense.

      it would have made more sense if I was at work, but no, i was at worl; a whimsical oval-shaped place where nothing is quite complete…
      and i just watched that video and I’d like to submit this as the proper soundtrack:

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