September 22, 2010

Hey, I’m here. I was busy all last week with a big blood drive deal. So, I need to talk about something. Some of you that have been readers for awhile may know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the Facebook News Feed From Throughout History posts that I have made. I first made one in October of last year, and then again in August. People have really liked them. Sometime a little before my second post someone else made a very similar post on another website. I bet they didn’t copy mine completely. I bet it was an original idea. That is all fine. The thing that makes me twinge is that this other post has had like millions of views, while mine has remained a secret. I’ve had a couple of different people forward it to me in an e-mail saying they think I would like it. You are darn right I like it, I invented it! I’m not so much bitter, it’s more bitterness than anything. I would describe it more as bitterness.

For the last prompt I asked, “What is your favorite thing hanging from a wall in your apartment/house?

I’ll use Matt’s answer:

“There is a picture of me shaking hands with Stan Musial. I’m about eight in the photo, and the Cardinals hat I’m wearing is too big from me. There’s a big bearded guy in the background staring at the camera. Stan’s Bodyguard?”

Stan Musial, is of course, a legendary telemarketer from upstate New York. I’m sorry…what…no, I’m being told he was a legendary baseball player for the Cardinals. I like the part about the big bearded guy in the background. Have you ever thought about how many pictures you are in the background of? How many dressers, Facebook pages, or photos hanging on a wall are you in? Probably a lot. You are the strange bearded guy in the background. What if you were looking through pictures from different times and you saw the same background person in both pictures? That would be freaky. What if you had a secret archnemesis?

I think I do have a secret archnemesis, whose sole purpose it is to annoy me, yet remain unseen. Here is my evidence.

-I believe my archnemesis works for Google Maps and just tries to get me lost. How else would a program like that screw up as often as it does? It’s an open book test for Google Maps. Come on.

-I believe he dresses up like an old person in a Buick Century and drives in front of me when I am late for things.

-I believe he secretly feeds my dog extra water while I’m sleeping and then whispers, “don’t think about a waterfall” to him, so, of course, he inevitably pees on the carpet.

-I think he is behind the idea for banks to charge for using their ATM if you’re not a customer, plus a charge from your bank for using another bank’s ATM. Only an archnemesis would come up with something as evil as that.

-I believe he is responsible for banana Runts.

-I believe he dresses like a woman boy and goes under the guise of Bieber.

-I believe it was his idea for someone to decide that 2 and 1/2 Men would be and excellent show for syndication. I could avoid it when it was just once a week, but now I find myself stumbling upon all too often.

-I believe he makes it so my laptop cursor arrow doesn’t always follow the movements of my computer mouse.

-I believe he started to all consuming trend of not just saying, “I know” anymore, and instead replaced it with, “I know, right?”

-I believe he told Mark Zuckerberg, “Hey, it would be cool if Facebook suggested ways for you to keep in touch with your friends, saying clever things like, ‘share the latest news.'”

-I believe he goes to Marshalls and grabs all of the cool, yet reasonably priced, clothes in my size, leaving me with just the too-tapered Ralph Lauren dad jeans.

Next prompt: What is the last trip you took less than two hours away?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

One response »

  1. Matt says:

    I don’t expect you to use this because you used my last one. But I went to Table Rock Lake, and stayed on Indian Point on a lovely place just off Boaty Rd. There was chair diving, Bad Decisions and Disney music.

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