November 19, 2010

I was wondering why I didn’t have many comments, and then I realized that I hadn’t asked any question at the end. Silly me. I’ll have to use a random comment she had posted.

“this is soooooooo true. oh-so-true.”

She made that comment  because my post was about male v. female shopping lists that I just pulled from our lives. You ever notice that funny things are really just statements that other people can relate to? During improv shows I spend a lot of time looking at the audience react to a scene that I’m not in. When someone laughs they automatically look to the person they’re sitting next to. Laughter is completely a shared experience. I think that’s really interesting. This is turning into an unfunny post, but true, oh-so-true.

Let’s see if I can make some observations just about my day today.

-My gas light doesn’t come on anymore so I have nearly run out of gas many times in the last few weeks. I completely ran out while pulling into my driveway. My gas light is the only light that is not on on my dash, ‘check engine’ and ‘maintenance required’ are working perfectly. It’s like a video game trying to see which lights I can get to turn on or off.

-When on a cell phone and the call is dropped I don’t know whose responsibility it is to call back. Often, neither will call, waiting for the other person, or both will call at the same time and leave a voicemail at the same time. We should make standardized rules for this situation.

-I don’t get to have an art class anymore since I am out of school. Instead, I have work meetings. I create masterpieces in the margins.

-I like using a red pen instead of blue or black, I feel slightly rebellious.

-Getting out of bed in the morning is the only skill that I am exactly as good at as when I was four years old. I have a Preschool Getting out of Bed Level. Why can I improve in other ways, and not this?

-I’m not sure if the cost outweighs the benefit when I use my Sonicare toothbrush. I get a great clean, however the primordial sludge that sits on the inside of the toothbrush can’t be good.

-Bosses have to notice sucking up, they just have to. It is so obvious, maybe they just like it.

-In the same day I will yell at another driver when I am stuck behind them and they are going slow, and intentionally go slow in front of a driver who is, in my mind, clearly a jerk.

-I wonder if an impoverished person from a village in Africa who has no clean drinking water would be offended, grossed out, or amazed at the sight of me using a neti pot.

-I have come to love wearing a robe in the morning, or as I like to call it, a backwards Snuggie.

-When eating a buffet, the most important thing to do is preview the entire spread so you can know how much space to allocate for each item. Maybe this is the problem with government budgets, they don’t look at the whole thing. They’re just allocating all kinds of room for potatoes, not knowing there are au gratin potatoes coming up. So, what do they do when they get to the au gratin? Just pile it on.

-You know those weird chairs you’ll see sometimes when people are set up giving ten minute massages? You know, they have a place for your face and you arch your back toward the ‘masseuse.’ You can only be in that business if you are a woman and/or a pair of woman. All I know is that you can’t be a lone guy trying to pull off that business. No matter how great you are at giving short massages, you can’t not look creepy.

-I always cut my fingernails a day later than I was hoping to and bothers me for the entirety of the day when they aren’t yet clipped. I feel like a woman or a sitar player.

Have you ever had a nickname? What was it?


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

6 responses »

  1. Amanda says:

    In 4th grade I had chin length hair and I got a perm. People called me Q-tip or Poodle. Not nice nicknames. Now some people call me Panda because it rhymes with Amanda. I like that one a lot better.

  2. Angela says:

    My name was “pig nose” for obvious reasons and I am starting year two of psychotherapy because of it.

  3. allan says:

    my grandpa used to call me izuzu joe (now he justs calls me joe). i guess i used to look like an old man that used to be a spokesman for izuzu commercials. now i just look like kevin bacon. i’d love to have the nickname kay bee, as a subtle ode to my kevin bacon resemblence

  4. Jc Carley says:

    ~ definitely needs to be a blue pen. I don’t feel like myself using black or red….unless it us one of those thin marker type black pens. They are so smooth :). And if I start something , journal, list, I can’t switch color if pens.

    ~ I dont know how you can survive without your gas light. It is the only way I know I need gas…and I definitely know I don’t need it as soon as it goes on 🙂

    ~ cell phones: this is one of my first declarations I will make when I become pope or president…the person who initiated the call is the one who calls back when a call is dropped. We have established a different rule in our family though…we decided the older person calls back.
    My other declarations include, but are not limited to, “when entering an auditorium, theater, or any place where there is not assigned seating, you must sit in the innermost seat available in your chosen row. You may leave a space between you and next patron. If you want an end seat, wait until a row is filled and then approach. And when folding large objects with another person, you always drop your right hand to use to grab the item again…no, that is what creates the problem…I have to work on that rule…any thoughts?

    ~ fingernails are a pain in the butt! You forget about them until they are too long and then one gets snagged on something and it half tears off at the base when you are nowhere near a nailcutter. Then you have to decide… Rip it off and have a raw fingertip or wait until you find clippers leaving the real possibility of it tearing off haphazardly leaving a painful and very annoying unsmooth nail. Ugh!

    ~ nicknames: my mom just brought this up yesterday. Her current worry is for my newborn baby girl, Beatrice. She is stressed because we don’t have a nickname for her yet. Seems my mom was the only one in her family not to have a nickname. I guess she did not feel as loved as the others because of it. (my other child is named Maggie and we call her Muppet). It’s amazing how my mom is never at a loss of things to worry about! I have never been given a nickname and to be honest, I have at times been saddened by it. I guess “j.c.” was nickname enough for my friends and family that no one ever created a new name for me. But in my mind, I have been called j.c. Since birth so I don’t consider it a nickname. (side note: if I end a sentence with my name”j.c.”, do I need to write two dots (with my blue pen)?

  5. Jc carley says:

    Side note to Jeff: currently can’t get “gotta have my 8 plus” out of my head! Newborns reak havok on the body.

  6. danclair says:

    i have had SO MANY nicknames in my lifetime! let’s see, starting with family in my childhood: Boodgie (with the “boo” being pronounced like it would be in “book”), Daniel Boone, Boodge-a-man (same pronunciation as before)

    now on to school: Jolly Green Giant (not a pleasant memory), DC, danclair (said as much like a single word as possible)

    post-school thru the present: danclair, Baby Fat Jones (very dear to my heart), Danimal (probly my favorite)

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