January 4, 2011

My first post of the new year. Wow, did you hear who is going to be on The Mystery Hour on Friday night? Yep, THE Jackie Stiles, and THE grocery bagging champion of Missouri, and THE Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. All three are legends, this should be a good show.

For the last prompt I asked, “Who would you like to have dinner with (not cliche)?”

I will use Allan’s answer:

“i want to have dinner with julia cholds. i’d cook kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs and she would nibble uncomfortably at my terrible food.”

To be honest Allan, I have never heard of Julia Cholds. However, I don’t want to be rude, she sounds like a lovely wiman. Oops, I got my o and my i confused, sorry about that. Julia Cholds sounds like a statement describing what Julia does, she cholds, she’s a cholder, earlier, she was cholding.

Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese with hot dogs sounds great. I used to mostly have my lunch made by my mom and then I would bring it to school, but i would always tell my mom to skip a day when the old calendar said macaroni and cheese with little smokies. You can’t beat that combo. It’s like having a Hot Pocket, only it’s liberated from the cruel breaded packaging.

Sights from my elementary school lunchroom:

-Kids trading elements of their meals. This is where I learned about how the world works. I learned that other parents loved their children and gave their kids awesome things, like Fruit Rollups. My mom gave me the no-trade-value Fruit Leather, made from organic fruit.

-Angry teachers. This group was mostly invisible to us students, but they were there cursing their life choices when they are called upon to remove cottage cheese from the ear of the stinky kid.

-Wary borders. The groups of kids were separated by a a seat at most. If the chubby kid, who tried to stay hidden, accidentally nudged the cool kid’s elbow, knocking his Capri Sun out of his hand there would be trouble for the rest of the year.

-Rope swing. It was precariously held above reminding kids of what afternoon gym class will be like: burning thighs.

-Shrunkenness. Everything in an elementary school is shrunk from real life by 30%. The few times I’ve been back since I feel like the baby in Honey I Blew Up the Kid.

-A wall of sound. What is the opposite of serene? A lunchroom.

-Lunch ladies. At first glance they look like regular older ladies. At second glance they looked like grizzled male ex-cons. The truth is somewhere in between the two.

-The smell of a dead possum, run over by a pickling truck. At least, that was the smell on burrito day.

-Cocaine. What? It was the ’80s.

-A closet full of scooters for gym class. You know what I’m talking about, a tray taped on four wheels, otherwise known as the finger breaker. Nothing in the gym class arsenal had as much of a far reaching upside and a devastating downside as the scooter.


About jeffhoughton

I'm a sometimes writer, actor, comedian and an all the time adventurer.

2 responses »

  1. Leora Houghton says:

    Well EXCUSE me! love, mom

  2. Amanda says:

    I had completely forgotten about gym class scooters. Thanks for brightening my morning!

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