January 6, 2011
Seriously. Show. Tomorrow. Go. To. There.
Here is an article I wrote for Fair City News yesterday. Fair City is the best satire site on all things Ozarks out there.
Twenty Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield
Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking his dog when it happened. “I didn’t know what to think. One minute I’m walking my dog, the next minute there’s a catcher landing in the road, and a long reliever sprawled on top of a Hyundai,” said Pilgrim.
The toxicology investigation has just begun as the main concern at this point is removing the debris from the neighborhoods, so cars don’t run over them. There are no external markings as to what could have caused the Springfield Cardinals to first become airborne, stay airborne, and finally, die a sudden death and fall from the sky. “It is possible to hypothesize that it was weather or stress related, after all, they do shoot off fireworks at the stadium every Friday night, but they haven’t done that for months,” explained MSU biology professor David Montgomery. “One or two birds I would understand, but twenty-four is the entire team.”
“I’m guessing this is the result of a large trebuchet, or catapult of some sort,” explained Springfield Cardinals Vice President, Matt Gifford. “I don’t see how else they all could have been up in the air at the same time. How they stay suspended up there I have no idea. How they came to meet their untimely deaths, I am certain it was the work of the nefarious Northwest Arkansas Naturals. After all, the season is starting in a few months, and right now we have no roster.”
In a strange coincidence, nearby, in Busiek State Park, 100,000 Drury Panthers were found dead in the woods. The two events are thought to be unrelated, unless of course it signals the coming of the end times.