January 18, 2011
Here is my latest installment for the legendary Fair City News.
Springfield, MO-Apple, the maker of the popular iPhone, iPad, Macintosh computers, and countless other technological gadgets posted a profit of 16 billion dollars for the year, 2010. “We’re excited about the numbers for the past year,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “It was a record year for the company and we would first and foremost like to thank Springfield, Missouri resident Lucas Edwards.” It is rare for Jobs to explain the company’s sales beyond the numbers, and certainly rarer for him to single out one consumer. “Well, let’s see, I can remember buying an iPad, Apple TV, and a new Macbook in the past year,” explains Edwards. “But, to be honest, when I’m shopping for Apple merchandise I tend to blackout and wake up in the morning drooling on my keyboard looking at a confirmation e-mail of the night’s purchases.”
Jobs expanded further saying, “We were looking at a down year, despite the launch of the iPad, but then Lucas Edwards went on a couple of spending benders, and next thing you know, profits are off the charts.” Edwards claims that this year he won’t need to shop for anything new, but admitted, “At this point, I don’t feel like I have much control over my urges. I already have an iPhone with AT&T, but with the announcement of the Verizon iPhone, I plan on keeping my contract with AT&T and purchasing the Verizon iPhone, so I can compare, and ultimately keep both of them.”
Edwards love of Apple extends beyond technology, he doesn’t allow oranges in the house and even avoids political correct speech saying, “I don’t even want my speech to be a PC.” Edwards has gotten a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th job to keep up with his addiction. This situation is fine for Edwards, and even more fine for Jobs. “As long as Lucas Edwards is continually buying Apple products, Apple will thrive for years to come, even if he doesn’t.”