Conversation with Ke$ha Using Only ‘We R Who We R’ Lyrics

January 13, 2010

I swear, we’re going to get the commercial parodies to you soon. Hopefully today.

Yo, this weekend is the next installment of “The Mystery Hour Presents: So There I Was Storytelling Series.” As always it is free, at 9:30 at Q Enoteca Wine Bar, and this time we’re doing a special two night show in honor of MLK, Jr Day. All of the stories will be on the subject of race, so you know it will be interesting.

Here is the latest Checking in With The Houghtons episode. I couldn’t embed it. It’s worth clicking on.

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/8238901/#

I didn’t get a comment on my last post, because I forgot to ask a question at the end. So that means I get to do whatever I want. For this post, I would like to imagine one of Kesha’s friends calling her to hang out and Kesha only responding with lyrics from her latest single, “We R Who We R.” Her lyrics are in bold.

Kesha and Her Friend, DJ Hang out

(The phone rings at Kesha’s house. Kesha answers)

DJ: Hey, Kesha, it’s DJ, just calling to see if you wanted to hang out tonight. I don’t really have any great ideas, but I just thought we could get some friends together and maybe watch a movie.

Kesha: Hot and dangerous
If you’re one of us, then roll with us

DJ: Cool, I’m up for some excitement tonight.
Kesha: ‘Cause we make the hipsters fall in love

DJ: Awesome, does that mean we’re going to a locally owned coffee shop that only serves fair trade coffee? Or, are we going to an overpriced vintage store? Remember last time we did that? You got those hot pants that were so tight you couldn’t get them over your butt?
Kesha: And we’ve got hot-pants on enough

DJ: Okay, I’d hate to see what that means. Are we going to run this town like a club tonight?
Kesha: And yes of course because we’re running this town just like a club

DJ: Do other people want to mess with us?
Kesha: And no, you don’t wanna mess with us

DJ: And why not? Because of jewelry? Say it’s because of jewelry.
Kesha: Got Jesus on my necklace

DJ: I knew it.

Kesha: I’ve got that glitter on my eyes

DJ: Like on your eyeballs? Like on the balls themselves? That sucks, were you making crafts again?
Kesha: Stockings ripped all up the side

DJ: We can stop by Sears on the way out and get some new ones, no worries. Hey, have you gotten over that flu you had last week? The one that made you lose all that weight?
Kesha: Looking sick and sexy-fied

DJ: Good, let’s do it.
Kesha: So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

(Kesha, DJ, and their friends arrive at the club)
Kesha: Tonight we’re going hard

DJ: Yeah, you’re right, this is fun. This is way better than watching “Brewsters Millions”  like I was planning on. Hey, what would you guys do, if all of the sudden you had millions of dollars? What would that be like?

Kesha: Just like the world is ours

DJ: Yep, exactly. Then what would you do with it?

Kesha: We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars

DJ: Now, say it more vaguely!

Kesha: We are who we are!

DJ: That’s what I’m talking about. You are so fun. Seriously, if you hadn’t said that we were going out, I’d be in my camo Snuggie right now with a bowl of Craisins…oh hey…are you okay…are you convulsing?

Kesha: We’re dancing like we’re dumb

DJ: Oh, cool. Hey, guess what I got girls? Yep, I stole a ton of Botox from my doctor. Let’s use it!
Kesha: Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young

DJ: Who are we?
Kesha: You know we’re superstars

DJ: One, more time, more vaguely!

Kesha: We are who we are!

Kesha: DJ turn it up

DJ: I can’t, we’re at a club, I’m not in charge of the music. I’m sure they pay somebody.

Kesha: It’s about damn time to live it up

DJ: Okay, okay, take it easy. Don’t swear at me. Get serious for a minute.

Kesha:I’m so sick of being so serious
It’s making my brain delirious!

DJ: Kesha, you’re starting to scare me, you’re not making sense
Kesha: I’m just talkin’ truth

DJ: Yeah, maybe as you see it.

Kesha: I’m telling you ’bout the s— we do

DJ: Stop swearing at me. Kesha, you’re drunk. You’re out of control right now. We haven’t hung out for awhile, is life going okay for you?
Kesha: We’re sellin’ our clothes, sleepin’ in cars

DJ: You lost your house?! Oh my gosh, Kesha, that’s bad. Are you still looking presentable and being respectful to men?
Kesha: Dressin’ it down, hittin’ on dudes (HARD!)

I’ve got that glitter on my eyes
Stockings ripped all up the side
Looking sick and sexy-fied
So let’s go-o-o (Let’s go!)

DJ: I already know this. Kesha, you’re repeating yourself. Don’t go on one of your rants where you talk all crazy and just repeat what you already said.

Kesha: Tonight we’re going hard
Just like the world is ours
We’re tearin’ it apart
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!
We’re dancing like we’re dumb
Our bodies go numb
We’ll be forever young
You know we’re superstars
We are who we are!

DJ: Dang, it Kesha. You just replayed everything you said a few minutes ago.

Kesha: DJ turn it up

DJ: I already told you, I can’t. See the guy in the booth up there? It’s his job…
Kesha: DJ turn it up

DJ: You turn it up, I dare you.
Kesha: DJ turn it up

DJ: You have no idea of how the management of a club works, do you? They hired the DJ, I can’t control the volume. We can make requests, but we can’t just go up there to turn up the volume. I would get in trouble. Tell me one more time…I dare you…see what I do…say it…say it one more time…
Kesha (whispering): DJ turn it up

Next prompt: What do you do after work when it’s cold out?

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Show Tonight! Ridiculous Search Terms!

January 7, 2011

The day of reckoning. Time to snuggle up in your pj’s, slippers, and a hot cup of cocoa, finish that, get in your car, and come to the Skinny Improv to see The Mystery Hour.

As always the day of the show, I open up the curtains and let you see behind the scenes. Here are the Ridiculous Search Terms that brought people to this website. These are real searches, that brought real disappointment to people, so each term will have a unique disappointment level for the searcher.

Ridiculous Search Terms

-giant amanda dominate a skinny dude. I had this once before, a long time ago. Apparently, the searcher decided to come back again just to see if Amanda could finally dominate her smaller, thinner, foe. Well searcher, just so you’ll stop searching, I will reveal that she finally dominated. Disappointment level: Same as the skinny dude when he stepped into the “ring” with giant Amanda.

-close to heave colour me bad album. This one might be my favorite. I think all the albums leave you ‘close to heaving.’ Disappointment level: Bad colors produced while you’re heaving.

-tight jeans boy. Yep, that’s me. You found me. Disappointment level: Looking at old pictures of yourself with tight rolled jeans.

-wearing napkin bib. Was this person looking for instructions? Maybe a how-to video? It’s really not that complicated. Disappointment level. Oilive oil stain on the crotch of your khaki pants. Hard to explain.

-powdered wig. This means one of two things about the searcher. It was either Zombie George Washington, or a British judge. Let’s hope for all our sakes it was the latter. Disappointmen level: Constant accusations of dander.

–what’s humpty’s hour. According to my dog, whenever he feels like it. Disappointment level: Same as when it’s a big dog.

-prove wizardry is real. I just did. Check your car, it’s now a banana. Disappointment level: Your car becoming over ripe.

24 Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield

January 6, 2011

Seriously. Show. Tomorrow. Go. To. There.

Here is an article I wrote for Fair City News yesterday. Fair City is the best satire site on all things Ozarks out there.

Twenty Four Springfield Cardinals Suddenly Fall From Sky in Central Springfield

Springfield, MO—At approximately two o’ clock Wednesday afternoon, twenty-four Springfield Cardinals spontaneously fell from the sky, littering central Springfield with dead bodies. It has yet to be determined what caused the sudden drop of these baseball players, or what they were doing in the sky, for that matter. Chris Pilgrim was in the area walking his dog when it happened. “I didn’t know what to think. One minute I’m walking my dog, the next minute there’s a catcher landing in the road, and a long reliever sprawled on top of a Hyundai,” said Pilgrim.

The toxicology investigation has just begun as the main concern at this point is removing the debris from the neighborhoods, so cars don’t run over them. There are no external markings as to what could have caused the Springfield Cardinals to first become airborne, stay airborne, and finally, die a sudden death and fall from the sky. “It is possible to hypothesize that it was weather or stress related, after all, they do shoot off fireworks at the stadium every Friday night, but they haven’t done that for months,” explained MSU biology professor David Montgomery. “One or two birds I would understand, but twenty-four is the entire team.”

“I’m guessing this is the result of a large trebuchet, or catapult of some sort,” explained Springfield Cardinals Vice President, Matt Gifford. “I don’t see how else they all could have been up in the air at the same time. How they stay suspended up there I have no idea. How they came to meet their untimely deaths, I am certain it was the work of the nefarious Northwest Arkansas Naturals. After all, the season is starting in a few months, and right now we have no roster.”

In a strange coincidence, nearby, in Busiek State Park, 100,000 Drury Panthers were found dead in the woods. The two events are thought to be unrelated, unless of course it signals the coming of the end times.

Sights from my Elementary School Lunchroom

January 4, 2011

My first post of the new year. Wow, did you hear who is going to be on The Mystery Hour on Friday night? Yep, THE Jackie Stiles, and THE grocery bagging champion of Missouri, and THE Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. All three are legends, this should be a good show.

For the last prompt I asked, “Who would you like to have dinner with (not cliche)?”

I will use Allan’s answer:

“i want to have dinner with julia cholds. i’d cook kraft mac and cheese with hot dogs and she would nibble uncomfortably at my terrible food.”

To be honest Allan, I have never heard of Julia Cholds. However, I don’t want to be rude, she sounds like a lovely wiman. Oops, I got my o and my i confused, sorry about that. Julia Cholds sounds like a statement describing what Julia does, she cholds, she’s a cholder, earlier, she was cholding.

Kraft Mac ‘n’ Cheese with hot dogs sounds great. I used to mostly have my lunch made by my mom and then I would bring it to school, but i would always tell my mom to skip a day when the old calendar said macaroni and cheese with little smokies. You can’t beat that combo. It’s like having a Hot Pocket, only it’s liberated from the cruel breaded packaging.

Sights from my elementary school lunchroom:

-Kids trading elements of their meals. This is where I learned about how the world works. I learned that other parents loved their children and gave their kids awesome things, like Fruit Rollups. My mom gave me the no-trade-value Fruit Leather, made from organic fruit.

-Angry teachers. This group was mostly invisible to us students, but they were there cursing their life choices when they are called upon to remove cottage cheese from the ear of the stinky kid.

-Wary borders. The groups of kids were separated by a a seat at most. If the chubby kid, who tried to stay hidden, accidentally nudged the cool kid’s elbow, knocking his Capri Sun out of his hand there would be trouble for the rest of the year.

-Rope swing. It was precariously held above reminding kids of what afternoon gym class will be like: burning thighs.

-Shrunkenness. Everything in an elementary school is shrunk from real life by 30%. The few times I’ve been back since I feel like the baby in Honey I Blew Up the Kid.

-A wall of sound. What is the opposite of serene? A lunchroom.

-Lunch ladies. At first glance they look like regular older ladies. At second glance they looked like grizzled male ex-cons. The truth is somewhere in between the two.

-The smell of a dead possum, run over by a pickling truck. At least, that was the smell on burrito day.

-Cocaine. What? It was the ’80s.

-A closet full of scooters for gym class. You know what I’m talking about, a tray taped on four wheels, otherwise known as the finger breaker. Nothing in the gym class arsenal had as much of a far reaching upside and a devastating downside as the scooter.

Where Are They Now? “A Chew Toy Made from a Real Eagle”

December 28, 2010

I have been delinquent once again. I’m sorry, I was celebrating the birth of Christ, so sue me. Sorry, that started off on the wrong foot. Good to be back everybody! I hope you had a great Boxing Day.

In case you missed it:

When we last left this wonderful blog, I had gotten a very exciting comment. On the 15th, I reposted an old blog posting that was about finding out where the members of the group, Color Me Badd are today. Well, I got a comment from a woman named, Patty, with a website called, www.colormebadd.net. Now, normally, I don’t venture to websites that end in .net, because it sounds like a trap. But, this one seemed legit. There is no colormebadd.com, so I’m just going to assume that the .net website is as official as they come.

I’ve posted on a lot of random things. I’ve never had a representative of any of those things respond to my posting. Until now.

Here is the comment from Patty:

“You know what’s funny? Kevin (with the braids) actually did enter the ministry, so that was pretty good.”

If you look back at my post, I accurately predicted this. Why? Because he was the humpiest one of them all. It seemed funny. But, I was right. Color Me Blushed.

I’m thinking I have a gift. I’m going to try out the where are they now thing with other people and see what I can pull off. I’m guessing 100% accuracy. Plus, if I’m not accurate, I’m sure I’ll at least get the people (or their representatives) to stumble upon this website when they Google themselves.

Where Are They Now, Random Celebrities

-The guy from the Dell commercials. You remember him, the “Dude, you’re gettin’ a Dell” guy. His name is actually Dale. After making millions in commercials, he moved on to charity. Dale now coordinates the volunteers at a local Salvation Army. Dale exchanged his old saying for a new one, “Dude, you’re getting a bell!”

-Yo Quiero Taco Bell Dog. His real name was Guillermo. He lived from 1998-2002. One day in October, 2002, Guillermo was walking home from the studio when he ran into a pack of yorkies. They were part of a street gang, the TailDocks.  They stole his diamond collar and a chew toy made from a real eagle. Worst of all, Guillermo was put down by the gang, which is to say, he was killed.

-The Band O-Town. Their career fizzled as the new millenium heated up. That didn’t stop them from singing, though. The O in O-Town now stands for Osceola, Mo. Most of their songs now revolve around Osceola Cheese. “Feeling like swiss, girl, from the start/ cuz you’re making holes here in my heart /I’m asking for help from God and Buddha/wish this was easy like a eatin’ gouda.”

-Darkwing Duck. Darkwing has taken his talents to the other side of the camera. He is now an animator. Well, someone animates him animating shows. It is fairly complicated.

-Yakov Smirnoff. “What a Country” and his trademark Soviet Russia jokes brought him fame and fortune. Now, he’s doing even better things.

-Lou Bega. He’s the one who got us dancing our feet to Mambo #5. After 4 failed attempts at mambo, #5 finally hit. If only he had stopped there. Lou is still an artist, only now he is a sandwich artist at Subway and is onto Mambo #26, made on Garage Band.

-The Domino’s Noid. Reginald Penderton is his given name. Reginald never intended on having a career in show business, but he was discovered while walking in a mall in northern California. Reginald was working on his Phd at the time and was just grabbing an Orange Julius as a study break. Some say he stood out because he had the ‘it’ factor, while others say it is because he is claymation and red. Either way, he made it big. Reginald is now an expert on the duck billed platypus, speaking across the country on habitat reclimation.

Next prompt: From anybody past or present, who would you like to have dinner with? No cliche answers.

Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine

December 17, 2010

I got an exciting comment on my last post. Someone from colormebadd.net, commented. We have made it as a website, we’re at the pinnacle. I’ll have more on that later today or Monday.

Today I’ll post an article I wrote for Fair City News that was published today. Fair City News is a local satire site that is like a local Onion. It is fantastic.

Google Crushes Local Mom and Pop Search Engine

 

Springfield, MO – Bob and Erma Matthews have been running Bob and Erma’s Search Engine for fifty one years from a small storefront on St. Louis Street. Those days will soon be coming to an end as Bob says they just can’t compete anymore. “The Google is just so fast, with access to so much information, there’s not much the little guys can do anymore. It all comes down to volume.”

“For years we’ve had people send us mail, stop in, or call over the telephone asking about things that they don’t know,” explains Erma. “Old Bob here, jumps in the Pontiac and hurries down to the library, or calls his cousin, Paul, who knows just about everything, or he asks the guys he has coffee with at Kum ‘N’ Go. Then he hurries on back with an answer. I guess people just don’t appreciate that human touch anymore.”

Erma says she can remember when people were lined up around the block just to find out answers to things they didn’t know. “Back then, people were asking things like, ‘Who played the daughter in, It’s a Wonderful Life? Or How do I Spot a Communist? Or ‘Marilyn Monroe’ and naked.”

Bob’s grandfather, Chester started the business in 1884 under the name Chester’s Inquiry Emporium. Back then, people would have to stop by in person with a question, or send it by stagecoach. When Bob took over he modernized the business by accepting telephone calls. “I just can’t modernize anymore,” says Bob “Only thing I can think to do is put a V6 in my car, and at a nickel a question, we just can’t afford it. People today want their information to be free.”

“Google doesn’t care. They’re happy undercutting the small guys,” explains Bob. “I can remember when there were four search engines within a square mile here. Now, we’re the last ones left, and we have to shut down.” The store will close on Saturday, with a big half off sale. Bob can’t afford to retire just yet, so he plans to work part time at his cousin’s shop, Sully’s Answering Machines and VHS Tapes. Although Bob admits, “They ain’t doing so hot either.”

//

Throwback: Color Me Badd, Where Are They Now?

December 15, 2010

It’s Throwback Wednesday! This is the day when I post an old posting. Why Throwback Wednesday and not Throwback Thursday, which has better illiteration? Because, today is the day I thought of it. Here is a little gem from all the way back in July of 2009, when things were so different. My jeans were tight rolled when I wrote this. Enjoy.

July 7, 2009

Poison ivy is still strong, but hopefully subsiding. Who am I kidding? It’s not subsiding yet.  I’ve just uploaded a new video to YouTube. Have a look at it. I’m going to re-upload it though, so it is bigger. It took me forever to get it up there, so dang it, I’m not redoing it yet. It’s one of my favorite things we’ve done, the video may do it justice.

For the last prompt I asked: What is a bad birthday present you have given someone else?

I will use Jesse’s answer:

“Color Me Badd tape for my sister. Not a terrible gift back in ‘92, but one that gets worse in retrospect with each passing year.”

That was a close one. I almost picked Matt’s answer of a Ryne Sandberg Starting Lineup Action Figure. I think that’s a great gift! Disqualified. I’m a diehard Cubs fan and I would be more than happy to have an action figure of the one of the greatest second baseman of all time.

Man, Color Me Badd. Oh man. I don’t usually add too many links or embed too much, but I think I will have to for this one, just in case there’s someone out there not familiar with them.

Yep. That’s them. Men and women all over the country were moved by this song. Moved to stop watching Arsenio Hall. They had everything you could want in 1992. They had the vocals, the baggy suits, the choreographed dance moves, the speaking during the song, the creepy fourth member. It’s strange that when you’re in the present you have a hard time knowing what will become “so 1992 or so 2009.” If I was watching this video in 1992 I would have thought, “Oh, there are some spirited young men who yearn to physically show their love to women I can only assume are their wives. Boy, they’re moving their bodies similarly at the same time.” Now, I notice all the things I mentioned previously.

So, what will it be in 2009? What styles will be so embarrassing to see again. Here are my thoughts:

1. Tight, tight, extra tight stretchy guy jeans. They remind me of clothes that your divorced aunt used to wear to hit the town, only less stonewashed.

2. Blonde highlights with dark brown hair. This may already be out of style, but it lingers. It lingers. It looks like someone with banana pudding ran their fingers through a brunette’s head of hair.

3. The term ‘chillax.’ It’s like a cheese covered chocolate bar. They’re fine by themselves, but they just don’t belong together.

4. Facial poison ivy. This will stop being cool in 2009. Starting…now.

Color Me Badd. Where are they now?

Barry, the lead singer with the small sunglasses from the video. Barry owns a Dippin Dots franchise in the Spokane Meadowmere Mall. He has four children that came as a result of too much ‘sexin up.’ He still wears the suit from the video hoping that someone will recognize him.

Charles, the singer with the dreadlocks. After inuring his pelvis due to too much floor thrusting dancing he returned to school to pursue a degree in Religious Studies at Mankato St. University. He recently published a book entitled, “I Wanna Sects You Up: A Guide to Understanding Religious Sects on the Rise.” Charles loves Applebee’s and The Weather Channel.

Maurice, the guy with the ponytail. Maurice became a voiceover actor. Whenever R rated movies are shown on TV there has to be somebody to dub the G-rated swear words. Well, from 1996 until now for the USA Network that person is Maurice. As you can tell from the video his specialty is “Oooo-Ooooo-Oooooo-Oooo-Ooo-Ooo.” But you can also hear him in the Die Hard movies saying, “Yippee kai yea Hummer Driver.” On the weekends he and his wife love to putt putt.

Chuck, the guy with the long hair, no ponytail. He has not been seen from since their last album. Although it is said that his spirit embodies every creepy guy in the boy bands since their demise. Take a real close look at the creepy guy from O-Town. Those might just be Chuck’s eyes. Update: Vince, the Shamwow guy may too be a reincarnation.

Arsenio Hall, he still hosts his late night talk show only now it’s a local non televised talk show in a mid sized smaller city. So, yeah, basically he’s reached the pinnacle.

Updated prompt: Describe your best outfit.

 

Things You See at a Coffee Shop

December 10, 2010

Well, yesterday was something. We established a new record for one day of views for this website. In my ‘stats’ page, it has always shown me that the day with the most views was day during the first week of launching the website, a year and a half ago. That has always bugged me. Now, we have a new record, by a lot. Let’s keep it going, people. I guess the formula is a post about Facebook, followed by a post about kissing. Now I know.

For the last prompt I asked, “What is your favorite thing to buy at the grocery store?”

I will use Matt’s answer:

“Coffee and bread. That aisle smells so good. I just want to crawl into the shelf and hide behind stacks of bread and bags of coffee and just drift away…”

Matt, that is an interesting fantasy, along the lines of singing “Circle of Life” overlooking a body of water. Man, I hate coffee. It is just bad hot chocolate to me. I don’t  understand people’s fascination with coffee. But, people that love coffee really really love coffee. People just accept that it is cool to be obsessed with coffees of all kinds. B read is fine, bread is great. People aren’t obsessed with bread.

The one thing I do know is coffee shops. I do love coffee shops. Although I never get coffee, I still like them.

Things you see at a coffee shop:

-A barista. A barista is a person whose job it is to serve coffee and make you feel like you are an idiot for not knowing Itanglish. Itanglish is a made up language mixing Italian, English and douchebaggery.

-A person at a laptop presumably working on a novel, when in all actuality they are on Facebook looking up pictures of you.

-Scones. What’s the deal with scones? Why do people insist on making them still? They are to pastry what your twice divorced aunt is to the family: hardened, crusty, and full of raisins.

-A teenager telling a story really loudly. “And T-Bone’s all like, ‘I don’t think you want to step to this!’ But the whole time he was holding an ice cream cone! It was hilarious, the other guy was like, ‘I’m outta here.'” You sneer and put on your headphones, but it doesn’t help. To a teenager, a coffee shop is a cool bar.

-Someone you keep accidentally making eye contact with. They are in your field of vision and you both happen to look up at the same time, everytime. If one of you was Jon Cusack it would be the start of a romantic comedy. Since you’re not, it is the start of a long line of restraining orders.

-A nail clipping. Gross.

-Old magazines. You would think you walked into the doctor’s office if you looked at the date on the magazines. If a man comes from the back with a clipboard and calls your name, don’t follow him.

-A guy who is not there named Walter. Walter left without picking up his drink so the barista keeps loudly calling for him to pick it up, not realizing that Walter is four blocks away in his ’04 Elantra.

-The person whose name you can’t remember. How do you know her? You can’t talk to her, yet you can’t leave without passing her by. You can’t pull off calling her a ‘chief,’ or a ‘man’ because she’s a girl. You settle on ‘lady.’ It is unsuccessful.

-Homeless guy. Even he is complaining about the scones.

Next prompt: What is the last thing you said on the phone, besides “bye.”

The Lurid Details of a First Kiss

December 9, 2010

Let’s jump right into this. The comments were awesome. There is something cool about just getting a few details of a first kiss that make them intriguing and hilarious. I wish I could use all of them, but I can’t, so I’m just going to use two of them. I think they might be connected somehow.

For the last prompt I asked, “What are some highlights from your first kiss?”

I will use Leah and Erik’s answer:

Leah: “I pretended I bought him a shirt and had him close his eyes to get his gift. Instead of a shirt I gave him a kiss”

Erik: “here are the highlights from my first kiss

– 3rd floor of a parking garage
– age:22
– she was pretending to give me a present and made me close my eyes. She then kissed me. It scared me slightly. Not that I didn’t like it but I just didn’t know it was coming and it caught me off guard.
– it was accompanied by 3 t-shirts”

If those both don’t describe the same kiss I would be completely shocked. To find out it was on a parking garage and that it was not one, but three shirts makes it even better. I think we need more details to put us in the moment though. So, I am going to tell the entire story, as it was intended, with all the details.

Erik and Leah’s First Kiss

Leah: Hey babe, I was hoping that we could go out on a real date soon. It feels like it’s been forever. We’ve been hanging out and seeing each other a lot, but I want to go on a date date.

Erik: Babe, I was thinking the same thing, babe.

Leah: Oooh, great, let’s do it Saturday night, babe.

Erik: That totally works for me, babe.

Leah: Let’s make it romantic, babe. I might have a surprise for you.

Erik: Babe, that sounds exciting, you know I love surprises. Is it hot in this room, by the way?

Leah: Oh, I know this one. Nope, it’s just me, is that what you were going to say, babe? That’s flattering.

Erik: No, I mean it’s actually hot in here. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I only wear sweatshirts. I need something more lightweight, but I don’t know what.

Leah: Huh, good to know, babe.

(The two are in the car on Saturday night)

Leah: So where are you taking me, babe? I can’t wait to find out.

Erik: I’m not telling, you’ll have to guess.

Leah: Is it a fancy restaurant?

Erik: Nope.

Leah: Ooh, babe, are you taking me to a movie?

Erik: Nope, babe

Leah: I know, you’re taking me to the award winning Skinny Improv Comedy Theatre, right babe?

Erik: Even better.

Leah: I didn’t know there was such a thing.

Erik: I’m taking…you…to…a… parking garage!

Leah: No way, babe, are you serious? I love parking garages, babe. How high up in the parking garage are we going to go? To the top?

Erik: Nope. We’re going to the third floor!

Leah: Good, I hate the top, where you can see the stars and the night sky, babe. Babe, you know me so well.

Erik: Yep, the third floor, babe. We’ll be surrounded by concrete and urine.

Erik and Leah: Yaaayyyy!!

(The third floor of the parking garage)

Leah: We’ve been dating for quite awhile now, Erik. And here we are, babe, in a very romantic spot, the third floor of a parking garage.

Erik: Yeah, babe.

Leah: I think it’s time we take our relationship to the next level, babe.

Erik: Really, babe?

Leah: Really, babe.

Erik: Babe?

Leah: Babe

Erik: Babe?

Leah: Babe

Erik: Babe?

Leah: Stop it. Babe, I think it’s time…that I give you… a… t-shirt.

Erik: What’s that?

Leah: It’s like a sweatshirt, only lighter weight and the sleeves stop before your elbows.

Erik: Oh, wow! That sounds like heaven, babe! I’m so hot all the time! You really listen, I love that about you.

Leah: Close your eyes

Erik: Okay, babe, but I can’t see very much as is.

Leah: Alright, here comes your t-shirt!

Erik: Yay!

(Leah leans in and kisses Erik on the lips)

Erik: What the f*%$? What was that? That wasn’t a t-shirt!

Leah: No, it was a kiss.

Erik: Dang! You’ve got to warn somebody. That scared the crap out of me. I was expecting a t-shirt, a t-shirt in my hands. My eyes are closed and I feel something wet on my face. On my face! We’re in the third floor of a parking garage, how was I supposed to know what that was? It could have been a rabid otter or something. Dang, what were you thinking?

Leah: I was thinking I love you, babe

Erik: That’s a heck of a way to show it, babe. That was weird, that’s what a kiss is? Grody! Maybe if you’re expecting it you’d like it, but for crying out loud, I was hoping for the magical thing called a t-shirt, babe.

Leah: I’m sorry I surprised you, babe, but I think you’re overreacting.

Erik: Are you serious? It would be impossible to overreact to such a thing.

Leah: How can I make it up to you, babe?

Erik: I guess if you had more than one t-shirt, maybe

Leah: What if I have three, babe?

Erik: Babe, that changes everything.

Next prompt: What is your favorite thing to buy at the grocery store?

The Art of Talking to Someone You Facebook Stalk

December 8, 2010

It’s a sweater day. When I go to work I feel compelled to wear a collared shirt underneath it. It makes me look a little nicer, a little more preppy, a little more like a guy who hopes the next Muzak song is by Ace of Base.

For the last prompt I asked, “What would your guidance counselor say to you now?”

I will use Dan’s answer:

“My high school guidance counselor would probably say, “Who are you?”

Yeah, I suppose that would be an appropriate response, Dan. There are a lot of people that I remember from my past that would say the same thing. I can remember names and faces pretty well (especially since Facebook), but my concern is that I think I often remember people better than they remember me. So, it makes me hesitate to approach people because I will appear as I am, creepy.

Here is an example of what it is like to approach someone you sort of know that you have been Facebook stalking.

The Art of Talking to Someone You Facebook Stalk

Two men approach each other in the lobby of a movie theater.

Trevor: Oh, hey, Lewis. Good to see you.

Lewis: Hey, man. How are you doing?

Trevor: It’s me, Trevor. Your girlfirend works with my girlfriend.

Lewis: O-oh of course, I k-knew that. How are you doing?

Trevor: Oh, you know, just hanging around until Burlesque starts.

Lewis: I’m going to see Due Date.

Trevor: Oh yeah, that’s right, you like comedies.

Lewis: What?

Trevor: Yeah, classics like The Jerk, Caddyshack and Caddyshack II, Billy Madison…

Lewis: Yep, those are all movies I like, I guess.

Trevor: What do you mean, “I guess?” Ha! You know a lot of quotes from them.

Trevor: So what are you doing for the rest of the weekend?

Lewis: Oh, I don’t know, Jill and I are going to hangout, check out some flea markets.

Trevor: Probably a good idea, mi amigo, after last weekend. You probably need some down time. You, my friend are a party animal. How many shots did you have at Charlie’s bar? It looked like 4 or 5, but I couldn’t tell because your arm was in the way some of the time.

Lewis: Oh wow, were you at Charlie’s?

Trevor: Nope, but I pretty much felt like it. Derek and Rob and Phil looked like they were hammered too. You know Phil, that guy is a lightweight.

Lewis: You know Phil?

Trever: Nope.

Trevor: Your niece looks like a little angel, by the way.  But, I tell you what, she looked tuckered out by the end of Halloween. To see a cute little robot asleep on her mom’s shoulder was precious. What’s her mom’s name?

Lewis: Kirsten

Trevor: Yeah, Kirsten. And, when she grows up, Jordan is going to be a little heartbreaker. What is her dad’s name?

Lewis: Taylor

Trevor: Yeah, Taylor. That’s right. Too bad their marriage didn’t work out. Give Kirsten my best.

Lewis: Yep, it’s too bad. Do you know Kirsten?

Trevor: As much as I can.

Trevor: Sorry to hear that Brady got the promotion. But, as you put it best, “Sometimes bosses are sooo clueless about what actually goes on in their office.”

Lewis:Yeah, I guess they are…

Trevor: I bet it’s weird that it’s Friday now, since on Monday you were wondering, “Is it Friday yet?” Well, buddy, here it is! Although, maybe to you it feels like next Tuesday since you thought Monday was Friday.”

Lewis: He-he…You sure know a lot…

Trevor: That’s what friends do, we take an interest in each other’s lives.

Lewis: Okay, what have you been up to?

Trevor: Well, apparently not farming very well.

Lewis: What do you farm?

Trevor: A little bit of everything

Lewis: This must be your down time of year.

Trevor: No such thing, my man, I have to be diligent. Farmville ain’t gonna farm itself. It is brutal out there. You probably see all my updates on the old feed.

Lewis: Actually, I block all Farmville stuff

Trevor: Oh, I can see that. At least you don’t block me, though. Ha!

Lewis: Yeah, because then I wouldn’t know anything about you and you would know too much about me.

Trevor: Yep, have fun in Due Date! Speaking of which, when is Jill due?

Lewis: My girlfriend is pregnant?

Trevor: Yeah, I saw it on Facebook.

Next prompt: What are the highlights of your first kiss story?